I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

As a parent with a child who has selective mutism, it's okay if a child comes over and tries to chat to him. As long as your child is kind if they don't get a response, that is all that matters.

Talk to your daughter about other people's feelings and how everyone is different. Children need to be taught to be empathetic.
I was also a very shy child and looking back I didn't have many friends my teenage years were particularly lonely

I can totally see it from both sides.

I'm an introvert. I always really struggled through school, and my shyness definitely impacted my life. I was the child who stood in a corner at birthday parties, to afraid to join in with the games.

Now I am an adult, I can see how and why other children would have been frustrated with me.

My daughter has always been shy too, and it also impacted her. She did have friends throughout school, but they would often become frustrated with her.
One of her friend's mums actually lost her patience with my daughter when she went to their house for tea (dd would have been about 7) and snapped at her "For goodness sake, talk to me!"

I think for me as an introvert, it is hard to imagine being blessed with confidence. I would love to be able to have that natural ability to chat to people (I mean I do chat to people, but I'm better on a one to one. I have always really struggled with group chat).

Equally, I can appreciate that it must be hard for more confident people to fully understand how hard it is for shy people to step outside their comfort zone.
What comes naturally to some, is a real battle for others.

Why do you keep saying "hate" when the child said "not like"? They are entirely different things. If you "don't like" someone you nod, smile politely and move on, you don't persecute them and try and make their lives miserable; you just feel that you have little reason to interact with them.
It's odd in someone with such a self-proclaimed attachment to honesty to be deliberately misrepresenting the OP in this way.

This is why I don't really relate to a lot of other introverts myself. As someone who spends their energy being social I much prefer easy company rather than using up even more energy trying to get someone out of their shell.

I think everyone is different and that's ok. Some people are less good at non-verbal communication so they will struggle to connect with someone that doesn't talk much.

This
this is something that you need to work on with your daughter .

Again, shyness has nothing to do with introversion. You could be shy and an introvert, but you could also be socially confident and an introvert.

And the OP’s daughter is just vocalising something a lot of people think, in my experience. My mother brought up all her daughters to be shy, because she thinks other women people like shyness in girls and women, and there’s nothing she dislikes like female self-confidence. So we were taught that ‘nice behaviour’ involved not making eye contact, never speaking without being spoken to, and whispering ‘I don’t know’ anytime we were asked a question about what we would like to do/eat etc.

In my mother’s head, this was guaranteed ‘nice’ and would mean other people liked us/found us unthreatening, coaxed us out of our shells, wanted to play with us, and invited us to things. Obviously, that didn’t happen. Adults and children found monosyllabic, whispery, blushing girls who looked as if they hated every second extremely dull and very hard work, and went off after people who actually talked and didn’t look as if they were being crucified.

And again, it’s nothing to do with extroversion or introversion. I’m definitely an introvert, in that I need a lot of alone time, but I’m a sociable and socially confident one, now that I’ve shed my childhood scripts about shyness being what a nice girl did.

Spot on

It is lovely being around people who, whether quietly or more noisily, just genuinely and whole-heartedly enjoy being around others.

This. Perhaps your daughter could bring her own personality down a bit when she sees another child is hesitant. I have become more comfortable over the years with being in social situations. I'm good at chatting and mingling and all that social stuff. I am still wary of the "oooh I'm mad me" "ooo I'm a real party person, you're in for a craaaayzeee time with me " people. Some people ( children also) take time to warm up, to feel comfortable. Perhaps you could help your daughter to work on that. Real friendships come from empathy not being the biggest personality in the room.

I have thought about that, because I struggled so much with it. It wasn't an active choice and I felt awful about it.

I'm 50 now and still find social situations with people I don't know difficult in case I talk too much, though I learned to read cues much better.

I delved into it for a bit, there's other traits I have. But I came to the conclusion that at my age, I wouldn't gain much from a diagnosis.

But it's worth reiterating that ND comes in all shapes and sizes, and the way some people talk about 'extroverts' shows as little understanding as the opposite does.

Some of the 'quiet' girls bullied the heck out of me at school, and I learned early on that nobody believed that the girls who rarely spoke up in class were capable of anything other than being sweet and lovely.

Thank you, though, I'm quite touched by your consideration that, as a 'talker', I might have had issues of my own.

And? There will be people all through her life she clicks with and others she doesn’t. She doesn’t have to “not like them”. Teach her a life lesson.

Use this as a learning opportunity for your daughter to demonstrate empathy and that the world does not revolve around her

IME conversations with shy/quiet people can be hard work but absolutely worth it once you strike a connection.

OP your daughter may or may not learn that real friendship comes from developing those connections whether shy or not.

Other people aren’t simply existing for one’s own use or entertainment.

Exactly this, and to respect that people might not want to play or join in just because she does.

But the converse is also true, surely. A shy person is statistically just as likely to turn out to be dull or awful as someone socially confident — timidity doesn’t necessarily hide a heart of gold. No one is thinking ‘I’d better persevere with this person who is such hard work, because I know once I’ve persuaded her to open up, she’ll be wonderful, because shy people always are’. They’ll make a couple of overtures, not get anywhere and move on to someone who’s less hard work and just as like,ply to be nice.

Absolutely this. No one wants to be around someone who looks as if they’d rather be doing literally anything else.

I think she’ll find that out by herself naturally, like we all do.

Look at all the introverts on the thread attacking a child. Saying it’s not all about her. It’s not all about you either!

I was generally quite a quiet child but I also had occasions of talking too much and being a bit socially inept so I empathise.

I was lucky as a child to have a fairly large extended family and my parents had a fair number of friends so I got lots of social "practice", as it were, in non-threatening social situations where people accepted that "CrispieCake is just like this" and I learned to enjoy social interactions in my own way. That gives confidence for when you're in a group of unfamiliar people and have to navigate situations on your own.

I feel a little sorry for children nowadays since families are much smaller and people don't seem to have large groups of friends or entertain and have gatherings in the same way I did when growing up. For shy "extrovert" children especially, this can build social interaction up into something hostile and scary, amongst unfamiliar people, rather than simply being about having good fun.

And of course you learn through practice, don't you? If you're a "chatterer", you learn to moderate this and let others speak and get better at having conversations and actually listening, through having opportunities to practice these social skills. And if you are shy, you learn that actually you do have a right to take up space and be heard, and ways to do this.

Indeed! OP, you’re right that life will be easier for her but in some ways it will be harder work.

I was a very shy, awkward child but as an adult I’m much more comfortable with myself, am quite chatty and am particularly outgoing and confident at work (although I do still suffer from some social anxiety, it seems to show up more in my personal life).

I work in an area that attracts a lot of quiet people - some are introverted, some are socially anxious, some are neurodiverse (and yes I know that doesn’t always make people shy but sometimes it does). I do my best to structure meetings and activities (if I’m running them) in a way that includes and encourages everyone to contribute, and doesn’t just favour people who can easily chat and think on the spot. I have a reputation for being kind and inclusive which I’m proud of.

But you know what? It can get really exhausting. It’s exhausting often having to start a conversation while not talking too much and encouraging others to join in. It’s exhausting having to judge when to go ahead and speak first, and when to hang back to encourage others.

The shyer, quieter people are working hard in their own way, but they perhaps don’t see that it’s also hard work for people who aren’t like them - as you say, you only ever saw it from your own point of view, and as per posts like @Fizbosshoes about finding leader types annoying. You assume that being that type of person is easy and takes no emotional energy. Sometimes I’m exhausted and wish others would step up with this stuff more.

So I think there’s lots to teach your daughter here, but please, understand that it takes some emotional energy and skill to navigate around shyer, more introverted people and help her learn that if you can.

Actually, I also had a large extended family. Unlike yours, though, they were less inclined to give me the 'that's just Obelix' grace. They further shamed me into shutting up, to be honest.

One relative, though, was not like that. She talked to me like I was an adult. She listened. And because she listened, I did too.

I have a new friend who I hope will, over time, become a really good friend. We are part of the same hobby group and initially she didn't say a single word unless it was in a one to one situation. Even then she looked massively uncomfortable. Over many, many weeks it has come out that she was brought up as a Quaker by very very old fashioned parents. Children were to be seen but definitely not heard. If they visited another family on a Sunday after the meeting house( which they always did) then she and her brothers were to take something completely silent with them and to sit in a line on the sofa and not say a single word unless directly spoken to. At that point they were to answer in a way their parents deemed appropriate. Their responses would be picked apart for improvement at home later . Minus the religion bit my childhood was just like this and it began from when we were tiny . It wasn't until I left home that I realised I had a voice that I could use freely and that I liked people and was actually likeable to them .Op you and your daughter have no idea of any other child's life and what has been dinned into them about acceptable behaviours/ what they see at home. My father was autistic. He had a script that he relied on in social situations and he relied on my mother to steer any conversation that was veering away from the 'comfortable topics area' back to a place where he could appear witty and 'at home'.He never ever went anywhere that was a non work event without her. All of this went completely over my head as a child and it was easier just to sit quietly and observe which probably meant people thought I was aloof/ bored/ felt I was superior. No I was just an awkward little girl who wanted to run off and play with a new friend but had no idea how to actually do it and was wary of the inevitable " I thought you were very noisy today" and God forbid" Your father and I thought you talked too much today" comments that would follow later. Cut quiet children some slack Op. You've no idea how batshit their home life may be

This sounds like a classic case of confusing talking a lot with actually having social skills. Sadly very common even amongst adults.

It sounds like your family were a large part of the issue. We internalise what we hear from those who are closest to us. If, for example, your mother is constantly telling you not to chatter and your cousins, who you're around frequently, are unkind to you rather than valuing you as a person, then of course you're going to internalise the message that you don't have anything valuable to add.

That's on the adults. They should have been working to make sure all the children in the family felt valued and appreciated.