I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

I was also a shy child and am pleased that although my son is quiet he is not socially awkward like me. Have a conversation with her but she is only young and entitled to her opinion. I remember an actress saying she didn’t like shy people . Fay somebody off cold feet. I decided I didn’t like her after that. It says more about them.

Yes, it really has shocked me, hearing some of the comments suggesting shy people are somehow "self-imortant."

Your experiences and my own, and those of many, many others I know, are that shy people have often been taught that there is something wrong with them, that stands out for everyone to see, whether it's odd clothes or a facial feature or whatever bullies/abusive teachers and/or parents have chosen to belittle them with.

Also, shy people are often desperately trying to assess their safety, so are actually hyperfocused on others, trying to guess what others want them to say or do. I get this can seem self-absorbed in a sense, but it's usually due to having had bad experiences (whether abusive or smaller, difficult circumstances that add up). People who haven't been disabled in that way could try to be more understanding, even if (fair enough) they choose to interact instead with more confident people.

I'd just explain to my child, in this instance, that it doesn't mean the shy children dislike her, just that everyone is different. I think it's important, whatever her age, that her assumption that shyness means dislike is corrected, in a gentle and age-appropriate way, but of course if she prefers to play with someone else that's fine, as long as she's polite about it.

There's this too. It's difficult always being the leader or the one to make stuff fun.

I've had this with my older child on a playdate before. He's usually very extroverted and buzzy, but for some reason he just wanted to sit quietly and read the other child's books. All very well, but the mother had invited him over because her child had been mostly at home reading and was bored and wanted a friend to play with.

This is mean and not constructive. Maybe think about where this is coming from and do some work on yourself.

Children just say how they feel and don’t worry about being kind. As adults we learn what is socially acceptable, we don’t say it out loud though we may still think it. Though apparently even judging inwardly can make you a bad person especially on MN where a negative thought isn’t allowed about anyone or anything otherwise you are horrible.

Being an introvert means people need time to recharge alone it does not mean they are shy at all. DH is an actual introvert, he is incredibly sociable and not in the least bit shy but needs time alone to recharge. On MN people use it to describe shy, anxious or anti social people.

It’s also ok to not like everyone. We can only make ourselves happy but it’s ok to dodge people whose company we don’t enjoy.

I can understand where your child might be coming from I think. I come from a family who are forthright with their communications and I suspect I was uncomfortable when I was a child with people who weren’t as forthcoming. Of course I learnt as I got older that there’s a lot to be said for observing before you open your mouth and I’m sure she will begin to understand that differences can be a good thing.

Extroverts perceive introverts and quiet people as being shy, and claim that is a bad quality.

I recommend reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It'll show you all the good things about being 'shy'. Hopefully you can share that with her and have a discussion.

This weird, damaging intro/extrovert divide has real life consequences. I'm sure we all know of work situations where the wrong person was appointed because they were loud and could talk well at interview, but it turns out they're shit at the actual job.

I experienced quite a bit of first-sight, unexplainable hatred from adults as a child. But seeing the hatred for shy kids, which I absolutely was, expressed here online, it explains a lot.

It makes me a bit sad for my former child-self, but as an adult it no longer matters. I now have the option who I spend my time with, at least when I am not at work.

👏👏

If this thread is showing anything is that a lot of people never grow out of their mean girl phase, shy or not.

as an ex shy child believe me I did not feel self important or self absorbed, I felt SCARED.

Absolutely

Actually, I think it may be useful for shy people to see how behaviour they think doesn’t impact anyone else actually translates.

For instance, I notice a weird kind of entitlement in some ‘Nobody talks to me at school pick-up’ posts on here, as though the onus is always on the other people to include them, having somehow intuited that standing alone means they are desperate to talk and in fact have a heart of gold under an uninterested-looking exterior. I’m not suggesting they don’t, obviously, but it’s expecting an awful lot of total strangers to intuit how you’d like to be treated, and decide whether ‘monosyllabic’ means ‘Go away, not interested, just here to pick up child and get on with my day’ or ‘I’m desperate to talk to you but crippled by extreme shyness’, and, if they decide the latter is the case, to persevere with someone who gives every indication of wishing they’d sod off.

For instance, I notice a weird kind of entitlement in some ‘Nobody talks to me at school pick-up’ posts on here, as though the onus is always on the other people to include them, having somehow intuited that standing alone means they are desperate to talk and in fact have a heart of gold under an uninterested-looking exterior. I’m not suggesting they don’t, obviously, but it’s expecting an awful lot of total strangers to intuit how you’d like to be treated, and decide whether ‘monosyllabic’ means ‘Go away, not interested, just here to pick up child and get on with my day’ or ‘I’m desperate to talk to you but crippled by extreme shyness’, and, if they decide the latter is the case, to persevere with someone who gives every indication of wishing they’d sod off.

I agree with this, if you come across as unapproachable unintentionally then it's not really fair to judge people for leaving you out. For every person who would welcome someone initiating a conversation there would likely be 5 that hated it and claimed it made them feel uncomfortable. It's fine to be however you are and no one should feel they need to change, but people will react to it.

So true. Like when someone says whilst smiling, “we must have coffee together one day” and you know they don’t have any intention of doing so😂

Depending on her age I would try and explain to her a bit about how people are not just one thing, ie, ‘children can sometimes feel shy, sometimes feel outgoing etc.’ and how she can feel some empathy if a child is feeling uncomfortable in a situation.

@JudasTree I meant more the way some users were quick to snap at OP’s child.

I was - hell, still am - a painfully shy kid and never felt entitled to other people talking to me, though. Every kid copes with their shyness differently.

I think shes saying that she finds shy children hard to read and therefore hard work. Im sure she doesnt hate people for being shy.
You dont say how old she is, but I think "dont like" is quite a catch all phrase for a lot of nuanced feelings in kids.

if a really shy kid said they didnt really like boisterous loud kids, I dont think people would say it was unkind.

Shy people dont always want to be befriended by the super confident ones. Its ok.

By defnition she doesn't like them, if she doesn't click with them. You are placing an interpretation on the words "don't like" that is unwarranted.

Ther's lots of people I don't like that I respect to a reasonable degree and interact civilly with when necessary. I still don't like them. They don't know that, and they wouldn't care.

She's not kind.

It depends on why you don’t like someone. I tend to not like people who are rude to me or selfish or abrasive. Being shy doesn’t make someone a bad person and therefore not enough for me to say “I don’t like them”. You can choose to interpret in whatever way you want to. There’s lots of people I come across who I don’t click with but I wouldn’t say I don't like them.

She could be mixing up 'don't like' with 'I'm not comfortable' because she's a kid still learning to put words to feelings and can't yet articulate them fully. She's thinking about the way it makes her feel, which is good, but hasn't yet made the jump to realising that the other child isn't doing it to make her feel bad.

So she sees other people only in relation to her self? Plus maybe thry think she is boisterous and obnoxious?

I am neither show nor outgoing same as my child, but one of the positives about my child which I feel I am similar is we take people as we find them on their terms not our own

What's wrong with not liking someone? Or not clicking with someone?
I'm very choosy about who I like. Most people are pleasant enough, I can do pleasantries easily. But my closest friends I choose. Many people won't like us either, accepting that is key. Why is this such an issue?