I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

How old is your DD? I find most children of a young age are shy around people they don’t know.

I was also a shy(ish) child and felt more shy around overly confident children.

as an adult, when young children are overconfident I find it a little annoying (gentle comment) as in I don’t particularly enjoy children coming up to my table in a restaurant chatting and their parents don’t take them away.

I don’t think your daughter is being very unkind but I think it would be a good time to say you were a shy child and there are all different types of children and that’s fine :)

don’t put yourself down for being shy/introverted, it’s just the way you are and there are sooo many benefits and qualities of introverted people

My daughter said the same thing. I thought it was fair - you can't like everyone and as a girl I think it's important to teach her that she doesn't need to be friends (or even talk to) people she doesn't like.

But that's because you're an adult looking at kids from an adult point of view. Children have much lower benchmarks for friendship - most of them just need to be able to talk to / share / joke with some of the time and are often happy just being in the same room as their friend provided they're being recognised in some way. A child incapable of giving the bare minimum of interaction in a friendship isn't going to be popular.

Well, depends how old they are

Like is a feeling,. if you don't have it, that's having no feelings.

You don't have to go into how you feel about people, this is semantics.

You think "don't like" means something more than "don't + like", that is, just an absence of the feeling of liking. I dispute that and say "don't like" means exactly what it says - I do not have liking for you, therefore I have no feeling.

I disagree quite strongly with this analysis.

if I “don’t like“ someone that is a negative feeling.

No feelings would be just not liking or disliking but feeling neutral.

All three states are possible upon meeting someone.

Dislike is different. Dislike is actively negative, and is the word you should use if you have negative feelings.

"I like him" is the opposite of "I dislike him"

"I don't like him" and "I don't dislike him" both mean you have no feelings.

I think everyone is reading into this way too much. OP’s DD is a child of unknown age (unless I have missed it in the updates? I have RTFT but can’t see an age update.) I really don’t think it is likely that a child is thinking that much into the language they are using. As I said previously, it’s far more likely that she doesn’t have the vocabulary to explain why she feels uncomfortable around children who are less expressive than her. Perhaps she finds it difficult to read them and this makes her feel uncertain. Perhaps she (wrongly) assumes that the lack of interaction from shy children means that they don’t “like” her, ergo she doesn’t “like” them. It could be a plethora of things, but I think pinning it down to her being unkind or cruel is a major stretch.

6

The beginning of your post is confusing and not completely clear.
I gather that was her opinion on children who are more reserved & more shy?
i don’t know how old your child is, but this is where you step in and speak to her about different personalities, different types of families, or how past experiences may make a child more shy. Draw on your own experience as a shy child/young adult. She’s learning about the world around her, and that’s ok. Having a goo Understanding of others is key x

Often I find shy people a pain in the arse. I want to say “ For God’s sake, what do you think is going to happen to you if you say a few words? Don’t be so bloody soft!”
Only adults, however. I don’t feel like this about shy children. As for your daughter, don’t worry about it. She is simply learning about other people.

Yeah you’re probably giving out this negative energy so why do you think you are deserving of these peoples attention.

Maybe they're not shy, but realise you think they're a "pain in the arse" and therefore want nothing to with you?

Shyness and mind reading?

”negative energy “ lol

Your body language and facial expressions probably give it away. I’m quiet and reserved and save my thoughts to people who are likely to listen and understand. Loud gobshite me me me bores with no empathy don’t interest me.

but lol yeah, laugh at things you can’t understand says more about you
👏🏼👍🏼 👌🏽

In fact in can be exact opposite of feeling self-important, it can be low esteem or not having the social skills, or not having anything to talk about /or not anything that sounds interesting to others/. Or even not having a loud enough voice to join in the conversations as you are being ignored when you say something.

It is all about feeling safe really isn’t it. I think those of us who were shy children intuitively know what shy children need to feel more safe and relaxed without fear of judgment. People who accepted us and nurtured us as children would be those adults we loved while others were just judgmental and observational not realising they were part of the problem. I think the fact you were shy OP has probably helped your child become more confident as you knew what she needed. Is shyness to do with nurturing or is it innate? I think it’s a bit of both.

I dont like children full stop.

So OP’s DD might well be justified then, in picking up on unfriendly vibes from shy children?

This is an interesting post - shyness being both innate and nurtured.

A while ago I read a book called French Children Don’t Throw Food. The author said that there was a rule in France that children had to say a bright, cheerful hello to everyone they met, even if they were shy or didn’t feel like it. In many ways this seems a kindness - knowing what is expected socially.

I describe myself as an extroverted introvert so I feel like I have a foot in both camps. I definitely prefer my own company or being in small groups, find big parties overwhelming, get overwhelmed and anxious if I have too many social plans in the diary. But at the same time, I have a job that relies on communication and leadership. My friendships are important to me. I want to participate in hobbies and meet new people. So I essentially fake it till I make it. Most people who know me superficially would describe me as an extrovert.

I make myself go to parties and make small talk with people as I know the party is important to my friend. I know how awkward it feels when you don’t really know anybody so I try to start conversations and include people (which ironically is incredibly draining when faced with someone who wants to be included but as the same time is just giving one word answers - I’m putting a lot of effort to get out of my shell, I don’t have anymore energy to drag you out of yours too). I make myself contribute and take the lead when there’s a group full of people who need coaxing to contribute but have great ideas etc. I just kind of view it as exercise for my personality. I can always make sure I don’t have any other social plans for a few days to recover and reset. But sometimes pushing myself out of my comfort zone (and it’s often the much hated on mumsnet true extroverts who are the most supportive and encouraging at this) has had fantastic results so I keep taking the risk.

It’s not unfriendly vibes, it’s boundaries, which we are all entitled to have

There is so misconception from adults on here regarding what it’s like to be a shy, quiet child. To be an introvert.

My daughter is quiet and reserved and I wouldn’t change her for anything. She is 15 now but when she was younger I was as made to feel that there must be something wrong with her, this was coming from adults I have advocated for her and I’m pleased to say now, even though she still is quiet, she is confident and through he own boundaries has chosen friends who bring her up, and speaks confidently and maturely to adults.

She has also recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s which answered a lot of her behavioural traits.

I think if as an adult, you are unwilling to see that quietness, perceived as shyness is a problem then maybe you have shortcomings in emotional intelligence

Hmm.

Difficult one this.

If shyness is genuine that is OK. Some very sweet, quier and loving children can be very shy and lack confidence.

However several classes of parents especially the Middle Class and Wokes can use shyness for their children's lack of manners, condideration and disrespectfulnrss towards other people

They don't really have that much time for them to be honest to help teach them them.sbout lhemselves and lofe in general