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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children don’t call or message much

279 replies

mothersdayhmm · 18/04/2025 20:37

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 18/04/2025 20:43

TBH I have not always diligent in keeping in touch. I’d unintentionally leave days between messages etc
Being busy,working shifts, sometimes over the years different locations
Doesn't mean I didn’t love or care for my mum,just was busy and consumed in my own career etc

PinataHeeHaw · 18/04/2025 20:43

This is sad for you. Did you bring them up well and did they have a happy childhood?

They're probably both so busy with life.

Hankunamatata · 18/04/2025 20:45

I'm crap keeping in touch and live a distance to my parents. If they rang me once a week though I'd make time

RickiRaccoon · 18/04/2025 20:46

I think it's normal at that age. In our 20s my sister and I lived abroad and were young and our parents just didn't come into our thoughts as much. It changed as we got older. With kids (and living in a different town) now I know we both make an effort to call once a week and we talk about what the grandparents might be doing a lot.

My brothers (neither has kids) are probably still a bit aloof but maybe talk with our parents every couple of weeks.

PassingStranger · 18/04/2025 20:46

PinataHeeHaw · 18/04/2025 20:43

This is sad for you. Did you bring them up well and did they have a happy childhood?

They're probably both so busy with life.

Cop out, mums are precious. You should never be too.busy. Mums aren't around forever.
Talk to your daughter OP a out it. Nobody on here can really know.

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/04/2025 20:48

PinataHeeHaw · 18/04/2025 20:43

This is sad for you. Did you bring them up well and did they have a happy childhood?

They're probably both so busy with life.

In fairness none of this suggest badly brought up,just the adult children are busy and regular checking in isn’t top of their list
One could argue they have had a good upbringing,feel secure and loved. Aren’t needy don’t feel compelled to check in habitually
A good attachment means you know you’re loved,feel kept in mind and get on with your thing

mbosnz · 18/04/2025 20:50

At this time of the year, time zones make keeping in touch a bit of a bugger, OP. I always intend to call Mum once a week, but sometimes it can be more than that by the time I get the intention, the opportunity, the energy, and the time zones aligned!

But that does sound a tad off, on her part. Has she a lot going on? Is she normally a bit self absorbed by nature?

MasterBeth · 18/04/2025 20:52

Do you call her? My mum almost never calls me.

mnahmnah · 18/04/2025 20:52

After uni, I moved 3 hours away and my brother to the other side of the world. We are both in our 40s now and have always phoned DM several times a week in that whole time.

Original poster
mothersdayhmm · 18/04/2025 20:55

I have said to her that she seems distant. Her reply is always the same, that she’s busy. She has also said to me that she isn’t on her phone much, but I don’t believe that for a second. She has a commute to work by train, and there is no way that a 26 year-old is staring into space instead of being on their phone. She did have a very good upbringing. She has had everything that money could buy. The only blip was me leaving her father who was very abusive.

OP posts:
GardenGaff · 18/04/2025 20:55

We have a family WhatsApp group and have almost daily contact with DS, however that contact might be him sending me a stupid meme or us sending a link to a Twitter post or a very quick “just had a lovely tea, you’d like it, here’s the recipe” type message.

We have Factime every week to 10 days with him, which lasts about 45 minutes, we’re paying everything for him through uni so we joke that the weekly FaceTime is part of the deal for the return on our investment.

milleniumstar · 18/04/2025 20:57

In my 20s I didn't contact my parents that much when I away at uni etc but no whatsapp then etc

BruFord · 18/04/2025 20:58

When adult children are busy, they don’t realize that parents worry when we don’t even get a quick response to a text.

DD (19) is at uni and we have an ongoing joke that if she doesn’t reply to a text in 24-48 hours, I ask whether she’s expired/been abducted by aliens, etc. That elicits at least a one-word response!

I explained to her that I do worry if I text and hear nothing back. I don’t expect to have long chats regularly unless she feels like it, but texts are nice.

I’d be honest with your children and say that you’d like quick responses to texts.

TizerorFizz · 18/04/2025 21:00

Do people who go to NZ in their 20s give much thought to their families? Not sure they do. It’s all about what they want so I’m not entirely surprised. She didn’t think it was worth being here. My DDs are in London and we text when we need to arrange something or there’s an obvious reason. Not twice a week though. Once every 1-3 weeks. One DD is super busy and answers are not instant!

Original poster
mothersdayhmm · 18/04/2025 21:00

GardenGaff · 18/04/2025 20:55

We have a family WhatsApp group and have almost daily contact with DS, however that contact might be him sending me a stupid meme or us sending a link to a Twitter post or a very quick “just had a lovely tea, you’d like it, here’s the recipe” type message.

We have Factime every week to 10 days with him, which lasts about 45 minutes, we’re paying everything for him through uni so we joke that the weekly FaceTime is part of the deal for the return on our investment.

We also have a family WhatsApp group. In the group is me, my husband (not their Dad but he’s been in her life 17 years), her, her husband and our son. Me and my husband post into the group very regularly with little jokes and Memes, no one else ever seems to reply (well now and then) but not very often and that is very sad in itself. If I was to look back at that WhatsApp group from the beginning of the year until now, it would be full of stuff from me and my husband, there would be a few posts from my son, and there would be absolutely nothing from my daughter and her husband. So they must be reading these things and just not participating. Which is a bit embarrassing really isn’t it.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 18/04/2025 21:01

A text takes 2 minutes to fire off. I'd say to them that you'd appreciate a quick text each week to let you know their news and a phone call once a month. My DD rings once a month or I ring her and we drop a quick text each week. My eldest DS rings me on Tuesdays, text me once or twice each week and I text him too. My youngest DC lives locally and comes around for dinner most Wednesday as homemade lasagne night and he usually takes some home with him for lunch then following day. He rings if he's in a supermarket and asks me if I want anything fetching as he has to pass my house to go to his house. He often drops me off milk. I often go over for a coffee with him for an hour when I drop my foster child to his karate class. It's an hour so I drop FS off, pop in to DS's for a coffee then pick up FS and drive back home.

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/04/2025 21:01

Maybe she is busy, and checking in isn’t forefront of her mind
It is easy done. Not excusing it, but honestly it happens
I don’t think it’s necessarily indicative of not caring or emotional distance its just inadvertently thoughtless

Iamaverysillyperson · 18/04/2025 21:01

She did have a very good upbringing. She has had everything that money could buy. The only blip was me leaving her father who was very abusive.

And there we have it: the back story!

Anonym00se · 18/04/2025 21:02

I have daily contact with mine by call, text or meme. We joke that we have ‘proof of life’ memes. They just need to react to it so I know they’re okay.

Poonu · 18/04/2025 21:04

No not normal.

SnuffleTruffleHound · 18/04/2025 21:04

I'll start this by saying I'm nearly 50, my mum was 30 when I was born.
during my 20's I saw my mum once a month until I moved back home (post fathers death) until I was 31 even I moved out again.
i then saw her maximum once a month at the most, but spoke on the phone once a week, maybe one a fortnight.
when i had a child (38) i saw her once a week with her grandchild, this continued until child was school age.
mum was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago. She moved and I saw her twice a week, she's now in a care home and I see her 5 times a week.
my point being, life changes,

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/04/2025 21:04

BruFord · 18/04/2025 20:58

When adult children are busy, they don’t realize that parents worry when we don’t even get a quick response to a text.

DD (19) is at uni and we have an ongoing joke that if she doesn’t reply to a text in 24-48 hours, I ask whether she’s expired/been abducted by aliens, etc. That elicits at least a one-word response!

I explained to her that I do worry if I text and hear nothing back. I don’t expect to have long chats regularly unless she feels like it, but texts are nice.

I’d be honest with your children and say that you’d like quick responses to texts.

TBH stop worrying and smothering.If I was told a quick response was expected I’d not be entertaining that at all. You’d be told honestly that I’ll reply when I want, not on a schedule

BruFord · 18/04/2025 21:04

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/04/2025 21:01

Maybe she is busy, and checking in isn’t forefront of her mind
It is easy done. Not excusing it, but honestly it happens
I don’t think it’s necessarily indicative of not caring or emotional distance its just inadvertently thoughtless

@Zone2NorthLondon I think it’s fine to say that you’d like a quick response though. When I explained to DD that I do worry if I hear nothing for days after texting her, she understood and takes those few seconds to respond. Not always immediately, but at some point that day iyswim.It’s not a huge ask.

DD is very independent, at uni a three-hour plane ride away. Quite the opposite of smothered, tbh, She also loves me and doesn’t want me to worry. I greatly appreciate that. 🥰

Original poster
mothersdayhmm · 18/04/2025 21:05

Iamaverysillyperson · 18/04/2025 21:01

She did have a very good upbringing. She has had everything that money could buy. The only blip was me leaving her father who was very abusive.

And there we have it: the back story!

I don’t know what you mean by this? Her father was abusive to me in so much as he cheated on me all the time and there was some violence. As a child, she had no idea that this was happening as it was never in front of her. I left her father when she was nine. Luckily, there was enough money after our divorce for me to buy a nice house and she had a beautiful bedroom and everything that money could buy.

OP posts:
chamberay · 18/04/2025 21:05

You say you had a good relationship before she emigrated. How often would she call or text then? I think it’s very poor on her behalf. Sorry that you feel sad about it. It doesn’t take long to send a quick message to check in