Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

I didn’t say you were anxious. I was responding to @BruFord who said she gets anxious

@mothersdayhmm Does she still have contact with your ex?

My only concern would be maybe as he is abusive he has got in her head and made up some lies about you from the past.

If that’s not a possibility then I think maybe she’s more aware of the time difference than you realise and wants to message in real time when you will both be awake and then perhaps forgets.

Do you interact with her on social media?

So I was meant to stay with an abusive arsehole?

Sorry, that’s sad. I’m not mid 30s and communicate with my mum daily (either call/text/pics). I realised a few years ago that she won’t be around forever as she’s in her 70s now so I want to make the most of it. BUT I didn’t have any of these thoughts in my 20s. Can’t even remember speaking to my mum on the phone and I lived 4 hours away/and then abroad. So it might just be her age. You could say to her “it would be great if we could FaceTime every fortnight, would you be up for that?” Her answer will tell you a lot.

I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it may read, OP, but she's not your friend. She is your daughter and she is an adult. She is "safe" not because she has a husband who looks out for her but, presumably, because you raised an independent, self-sufficient, confident woman. Try to be pleased she is leading her life. And focus on other things in your life, like friends and activities you like, so that you're not so focused on why she isn't doing what you want her to.

If your daughter grew up in a house with abuse she may get triggered by contact and not be very keen on keeping in touch. Childhood trauma doesn't always disappear.

Of course not, but minimising this as a side note, or a ‘blip’ in your words, is very telling

Put it this way, if this was a friend I would’ve stopped messaging a long time ago.

@mothersdayhmm Yes, we’d assume that the friend wasn’t interested in keeping touch.

Reading this, I realize that I’m very lucky with my DD, she seems fine with a couple of texts a week. If she feels like chatting, she rings me, I don’t call her.

@mothersdayhmm Why is it a cringe? Cringing occurs when you are embarrassed by something in a social setting. Who is judging your relationship with your DD?

Also you keep talking about her having the best that money can buy. Money does not buy a warm and loving relationship, that develops organically.

It comes across as if you are embarrassed for yourself and your own standing that your DD doesn't contact you. Who cares what kind of relationship you have unless you see it as losing face.

It is possible that your DD feels that although you may have given her material things it is not a warm relationship that she wishes to maintain on a schedule that suits you.

I’ve given up on our WhatsApp group because I rarely got any response from my three daughters🙄

Were you an emotionally present parent when she was a child? I ask this because you've mentioned at least twice that your DD had a great childhood because she had everything money could buy. But you've not mentioned what your actual relationship was like? Or whether you were close.

Did you support her through teenage worries and difficulties? Did she feel she could come to you for those things? Were you preoccupied with your abusive marriage and did that affect anything? You may have hidden it but if you were very low or snappy she would have picked up on it.

It's not unusual for adult children to drift when their emotional needs weren't met in childhood. It's kind of like "My parents didn't bother so why should I?"

And if they didn’t ring

I swear Mumsnet is like an alternate universe sometimes where a Mum is seen as needy and has obviously messed up somewhere for her DD to not want to call her? I lived away from my parents in my 20s and would call them regularly and visit at least once a month too, not out of obligation but because I wanted to. I was and am still a secure child and saw my parents as friends as well as parents, now I'm in my 30's and Mum has passed away I'm glad we had such a good relationship and I'm pleased I always made time for her. I think it is a bit shit OP and I'd feel a bit sad as well if it were me, I'd probably try and not contact as much and see how that goes.

I don’t think it’s you, or anything you’ve done wrong. I think it’s just that she’s in a busy time of life, living elsewhere and just being a young adult! The time difference doesn’t help.

It does sound like you're minimising how much a DC can pick up on atmospheres, conditioning, their parent walking on eggshells. She won't have been asleep all the time, she'd have heard stuff, unless you were only abused away from the home. Nine is a long time to live in a house with unhappy parents with issues and DC have no control, which is why it is traumatising.

I had a lovely friend who said things like you do. I couldn't understand why her adult kids had issues until I saw how she interacted with one when he came over from Oz for a holiday, all needy and whiny. It was very uncomfortable

I think you need to have a clearer look at your past with a more objective eye and also just let your DC get on with their lives. If they wanted to talk to you more, they would, so you can either accept it or address it but either way, it's not your decision alone.

I’m guessing she knew a lot more than you think. Children just don’t up and leave to the other side of the world without much contact.

I rarely rang my parents from around the time I left for uni until my later twenties. There was no real reason aside from living away and not really thinking of it. We tended towards thinking no news is good news though, so as far as I’m aware that was fine. I think they wish I rang less these days! Edit - I wasn’t ignoring calls or messages though and did keep in touch with grandparents every few weeks as I knew it was more important to them.

If this is a significant change to how often you spoke before, and you have a good relationship with her, you could just say you miss her and ask her what her thoughts are? It’s likely to be time difference, settling in abroad, spending lots of time trying to make friends and connections over there etc that is just taking over at the moment. It’s likely to change again in the future and may just be circumstances or her not realising how you feel.

It is normal to have 1 or more children who do this. Unfortunately.
I seen my eldest brither fo this to our DM and it breaks her heart as she still bends over backwards for him at age 45 and he couldn't give a toss.
He mived to East Asia before Mobile phones and it took him 3 months to reach out all my parents had was a hotel and school address where he would be working. He could have used a public phone at the airport but nope he choose to wait 3 months. I remember seeing mum sobbing in the kitchen often.

I am the youngest, only daughter and deapite moving all over the UK i message Mum daily and we talk on the ohine every other day. Now with DGC we mqke sure to video call w very other day so the kids can see their grandparents and vice versa. Even when I got abroad on Holiday we talk almost every day.

Some children are just quiet selfish. But when something happens they will expect their parents to come running

No not at all and you did well to get out - but you are potentially minimising the impact of that split on your children. Especially if they don't know why it happened.

I'm sure my mum thinks I know less than I do about her relationship with my dad.

@C152 I agree, I wouldn’t want my DD constantly calling or texting me, she should be out there living her best life. We tend to exchange a couple of messages a week.

I imagine that every family has different dynamics when it comes to communication and it sounds as if my family is on the chatty side! DH, his parents and siblings have a weekly Zoom call, plus a family WhatsApp;
I ring my elderly Dad several times a week; I have a family WhatsApp with my cousins, etc.

We’re a right chatty lot. 😂

I suspect there’s maybe more to your daughters move to NZ??
The other perspective here is that youve raised two independent people and who aren’t reliant on you - well done - surely this is the ultimate success as a parent! My mother is still bailing out my brother financially in his 30s… I suspect she would rather just be able to take him for lunch occasionally and enjoy it!!! X

Your daughter sounds like my youngest sister. She’s also 26 and none of us hear from her unless we contact first. She’s like this with me everyone; my mum, siblings etc. It’s just her. If you arrange to meet up she’ll always come, but she never initiates it. This is totally normal for her. Presumably your daughter is the same! Ironically now she’s off travelling, she checks in more.

Yes yes yes . I had a part time job working from home and was VERY VERY present. Never missed a thing.

I’m so sorry. It’s shit isn’t it?!

I can imagine my dd will be like this when she moves out in a few months. She’s very independent which is great. I do think we were close when she was younger but from 18yo upwards it just seemed she was a bit bored with me/her dad unless she wanted something. And I get that. I mean she’s happy enough to spend the day with me if she thinks she’s getting lunch/taken shopping but otherwise she’s not that bothered. I guess at her age I was similar. There’s a whole exciting world out there to explore. I don’t think I saw my mum as a person when I was in my 20s.