Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

To be honest, this is my strategy going forward. I sent a lovely message this morning and now I am going to just sit back and see how long it takes for her to contact me. I don’t want to harass or chase. Let’s see what happens.

I don’t think I saw my mum as a person when I was in my 20s.

@CamillaMacauley You've hit the nail on the head. I think it’s very normal in your 20’s, as long as you realize eventually that your parents are people with their own needs, etc.

I’m 31 and as someone who messages with their mum daily I’m really sad to read this. I’m particularly close to my mum so fair enough maybe daily is excessive but in my opinion there’s no excuse for making the effort so rarely.

How old are you, OP?
I moved 1/3 way round the world at age 24 (30 yrs ago) & didn't have frequent contact with my parents until age 52 (due to covid). Even now, it's basically just once a week unless one of us is travelling, and then we miss a week.

So I'd vote normal. Plus that's a helluva time zone difference.

I have told my daughter a VERY sanitised version of the truth (once she was an adult). Her response was that I was lying about her Dad. She has no idea that he tried to shag all of my friends, my mother and my sister. He did fuck my very best friend. He also conned me out of alot of money and beat me up twice. I haven’t told her any of this this. She thinks the sun shines out of his arse unfortunately.

When you actually manage to talk on the phone (not text), do you listen to what your daughter has to say to you? Or do you start telling her about what Mavis down the road has been up to? I stopped speaking to my parents as often in my 20s as they talked at me and didn't seem to let me speak about what was going on in my life. Telling me what Margaret has been up to made me rage because it seemed like they didn't care. She might be having a difficult time and find it hard to tell you what is going on. Time difference is also going to be an issue too.

Sorry but everyone can sit here and tell you they spoke to their mum daily/ weekly/fortnightly in their 20s etc, and that’s still not relevant to your situation or appropriate for you to use as a yardstick.

She’s most likely got her reasons and I’m sure you know why or have an inkling why she doesn’t and that there’s something deeper which is why you’re posted on here. Don’t think anyone can help you with this. Only you and your daughter know what’s going on and can affect that changing.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here actually. I don’t think she sees me as a person in my own right at all.

In my 20s I wasn’t contacting my mum weekly and there was no expectation of a prompt response to her messages
I was doing my thing. In fairness 20s is tumultuous. Uni.Career. Studying, relocating.
By all means maintain regular contacts but just don’t expect timely responses
Developmentally in 20s parents are usually a steady relationship that one doesn’t always nurture. Because you don’t feel you have to. Don’t always see parents as individuals with needs,preferences and an identity beyond yourself

I’m in my 40s, no WhatsApp etc back when I was at uni, but I used to email my parents a lot.

possibly daily, maybe a bit less. Certainly every week.

since the advent of WhatsApp I message them every day. Just general chat, memes etc.

I suppose every family is different though and you just fall into the habits that you create.

it doesn’t sound like she wants more contact though, so I’m not sure how you could change that.

I have a sibling who doesn't bother contacting or replying to any of us in the family so from my experience this is normal unfortunately. No doubt she'll be back when she wants something. I would take a step back for a bit and try and focus on your own friends and interests.

And you don’t think the fact that she thinks you’ve lied about her dad being abusive and that she thinks the sun shines out of his arse has something to do with her lack of contact?

The last call we had I asked her about 20 questions about her new apartment, her job, her friends, any new pubs they’d found, did they have holidays booked, etc. she did not ask me one question. I know that older people can be a bugger for being self absorbed (hello FIL) but I’m definitely not like that!!

Just a different slant. Do you think she is ok?

When I was abroad I missed home and my family so much, that I couldn't call. It just made me so sad and I didn't want to worry them by showing it.

My DM still tells everyone that ‘ I went away and didn't care enough to be in touch’ - how wrong she is.

As pp stated, I just understand my dc are ‘consumed’ by their lives. It’s really hard as I’m divorced so that contact with them means a lot. You’re not in an unusual situation and it’s not personal.

She has a commute to work by train, and there is no way that a 26 year-old is staring into space instead of being on their phone.
The last thing I want to do after a day staring at my computer is look at my phone on my commute! I usually read a book or stare out of the window & listen to something. Definitely not the only one not on a phone.

Well your DD doesn't understand the full reasons why you left her dad, and has told you you're lying about him. I mean, that's pretty key, isn't it? I understand it's difficult knowing how or if to tell her the full truth, but unless she knows the full truth, she clearly will maintain this confusion around why you split up and a sense of distrust.

This isn’t normal. My adult DC live hours away but we message each that often and FaceTime weekly and have always done since uni.

having nice bedroom does not mean a good bringing.

Peace, security and safety as well as love are all what we want and need n growing up and it sounds like your DD had a tough time. I also wonder if she is being isolated and abused by her husband?

@lljkk I’m a similar age to you and moved abroad at 23. We had a weekly phone call, it was expensive back then!

Technology has transformed everything. DH is from a large family and his siblings are in different time zones (13 hours is the biggest difference). They have a weekly Zoom call with their parents. Sometimes not everyone can make it, of course.

Unfortunately, mums are not alway “precious”. I am absolutely NOT saying this is true for op. But it is for some of us who have sporadic contact with our mothers.

I would find that amount of messaging way too much. I mean, what happens within the space of 3 days or so that you need to message her again?

What contact does she have with her actual father?

Seems to me she sees you as a 'bad guy'

Does your son have an opinion? Do they keep in touch with each other?

Yes at that age I was just so wrapped up in my own life and my friends and interests that my parents just didn’t cross my mind at all.

An awful lot of people don’t like (hate) WhatsApp groups, try texting them individually

And there's the reason for it.

She has no idea what he did, so she dislikes you for breaking up the family and leaving the dad she thinks is amazing.