Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

As the daughter in this situation, I take ages to reply because I really don’t have that much in common with my mum and there’s nothing to talk about. As much as she might think my childhood was perfect, there was ultimately a lot of childhood trauma and as an adult now I can’t really forgive some of the actions and therefore there will always be that distance. Ultimately I don’t have a maternal pull to her. She’s a terrible gossip and any time I do call her after a 30 minute lecture of how I never call she then just starts gossiping and bitching. Also she’ll call me in the middle of the day like nobody has a job. Do you think it’s the method of communication maybe? I.E my mum loves to send 5 minute long voice notes which I never have the energy or time to sit and listen to and I have stressed if she just put it in a text I would more likely reply.

Out of sight, out of mind, also factoring in the time difference I know is difficult from when my DD lived in Australia for a year in 2018.

when I was in my twenties having just left home in the eighties I didn’t speak to my parents probably more than once in a fortnight.

maybe leave it a bit and see if she’s notices you’re not messaging her.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. At some point, she will learn who her father really is; mine exposed his ugly true self when I was in my early 30s & it was revelatory. We need to see it for ourselves though & you have gone above & beyond to protect her so you’ll (no doubt), be there when she sees the history in full technicolour. How often do you visit? Can you plan to go out to her?

I’ve found myself in a similar trap - I escaped an abusive marriage & have never told my (now 12) year old DD about her father’s actions because I never wanted to cripple her perspective of him & let her live with those horrid thoughts. She currently tolerates him & mocks him freely but I live in fear of him manipulating her into seeing things differently. I have to stay faithful in her love for me - and you do the same xx

I think I’d maybe question whether she’s perhaps feeling a bit overwhelmed with life at the moment. As someone who is, I feel vicariously quite suffocated and anxious reading about your- and the majority of posters on here - expectations about levels of communication. My Mum sends me messages most days, and the general consensus here seems to be that I’m a complete bitch if I can’t find the time to send a fulsome and engaged reply. But honestly, when I’m juggling a full time job, two children, after school activities, dinner, housework, life admin, and all my messages are replied to whilst doing at least one other thing- yes, it does seem a lot for me to come up with more than an emoji in response to her story about what her neighbour said to her today. Yes, that does make me sound like a bitch. I guess I am, but it’s the truth. And when I’m feeling overwhelmed with life and worried about losing my job and whether I’m doing enough for my kids or perhaps the opposite - over scheduling them - because god knows we can’t do right for doing wrong and they’re sure to be either doing too much or not enough but never the right amount of extra curriculars- for example - being asked questions about all of that - yeah, it feels too much and I shut down. I know you haven’t said your daughter has children but she has just moved to the other side of the world and is presumably working hard trying to make a life for herself there. And you said she has a commute to work…I dunno, I wonder if she just has a lot going on and doesn’t have a lot left for engaged activity in a WhatsApp group and long conversations about her life. I wouldn’t necessarily take it personally OP, as much as I can understand it’s difficult for you. Maybe give it a break and then have a chat with her about whether less frequent but more quality communication would work for her better?

She’s only 26 - at that age many people are very focused on building their own lives, and a world full of possibilities plus the fact she’s in a new place and adjusting to that plus a huge time difference. She is looking forward not back, it’s part of the process of forging your own identity.

Once she reaches her 30s she will likely be more in touch.

As you can see from this thread there is no rule for how often you should be in touch, but it’s normal for parents of young adults to want more contact than their children do.

The only solution is to get on with building up your empty nest life, stay in touch but lower your expectations.

Memes and jokes aren’t conversation though. I actually hate when people just keep sending them as a means to keep in touch. If someone sends me a meme I won’t reply. If someone asks how I am then I will.

My experience might be helpful? My mum lives in New Zealand and we speak more now than we used to (usually once a week with messages in between), but some weeks with the time difference it’s genuinely hard to catch up. I’m early 30s now but in my 20s I was busy, it would often be weeks between chats. I do find now that if she calls too often I’m struggling for topics of conversation and it can be a challenge as she often talks about my dad from whom she is separated (I do call her, I’d say 35-40% of the time), which is a huge challenge and hearing about the hurt and being told your childhood was built on lies is a bit of a challenge.

But… she’s not a bad person, she doesn’t mean to be so upset all the time, she’s just struggling. We love each other. Our relationship has improved as I’ve got older but she didn’t see me as an individual adult until I was about 25. It’s better now. I’m conscious she’s on her own so the contact is important and she’s looking forward to becoming a grandmother. Your daughter has just moved and is trying to set up a life. Give it time.

My reply above was obviously very personal to me and my circumstances. But I just wanted to provide another perspective to all the ‘oh my god I speak to my mum every day how can you not’ replies here. People communicate in different ways. I love my mum. I’m on holiday with her at the moment. But I can’t sustain meaningful communication multiple times a week with her, as much as she’d like me to and as much as I’d like to be able to do that to make her happy. And maybe that makes me a bad person. But it doesn’t mean I care any less for her, and that may also be the case for the OPs daughter.

My sister lives in Australia. Speaks to my mum weekly in a call, more frequently in a message. I live about 3 hours away. I rarely call or text as my experience growing up was different to my sisters. It’s not distance.

Oh, well there you go. You hid things from her to try to protect her but it’s backfired and allowed your ex to get in with whatever story he wants to tell. He’s probably portrayed you in a poor light and now she’s distanced herself from you. It’s hard because obviously you don’t want to just slag off your ex but if you completely hide things then you run the risk of them thinking you’re lying when you do finally tell them. If she admires him that much I’m guessing she’s also close to him?

Unfortunately I’m not sure how much you can do to repair things when you don’t have much of a relationship currently. Do you ever see her for Christmas or anything? Could that be arranged?

I speak to DS about once a month on the phone and see him 2 or 3 times a year

She thinks you’re lying about why you left her dad. She thinks you broke up a happy family and then lied about it (by the sounds of it). I think she feels resentment towards you as opposed to just being ‘busy’. I don’t know how you resolve that though especially with her being so far away. If you try and explain what her dad was like, she would just double down that you are lying as you hid the abuse so well she won’t believe it could be true. And then she might cut contact. It’s a very hard situation op you have my sympathy.

Your mum misses you and one day she won't be here. Make more effort whilst you can. She made the effort for you

Time she starts thinking then.

First, your ex-husband is not in this. It's between you and your daughter only. It's very self-centered to believe that your daughter sees herself as only existing between you and your ex and invested in picking a side. That's your life, not hers, and she very likely isn't at all focused on you vs. him. She most likely judges each of you on her opinion of your own merits, totally independent of each other.

Second, you daughter seems to have an issue with you. I suggest starting there, instead of immediately trying to invalidate it by immediately defending yourself re how much money you spent on her.

If your daughter isn't complaining about you not spending any money on her, then it doesn't belong in this conversation, does it? Unless you're actually trying to say that if you spent money on your child, then they couldn't possibly have any reason to dislike you. That would be a ridiculous statement, wouldn't it?

I think you might benefit from therapy to try to get a more objective outlook on this, if you hope to truly fix the relationship --- and if there even is a problem aside from her just being young and doing her own thing.

I agree with you about stopping the very frequent communication. More and more and more of the same seems a bit tone deaf, not likely to fix anything, though as a mother of grown kids, I feel for the attempt. But I think you'll either have to go deeper and be sure to be very honest, which might be painful. Or just step back a little and see if she comes around with time, if she is really simply caught up in her own life at this age and stage.

Good luck. I know it hurts to feel unwanted. I hope my post is helpful to you even though it includes some criticism.

My son in his 20s we have a family app. His sister in college. They have got better I put up a few dog pics etc which helps! I dont know op kids more selfish now. Im prob bit lax with my mam but she 80 and negative so most calls end up in a negative tone.

This is a bit unfair. It’s her daughter, not a friend. It’s nothing to do with anxiety & resilience and more to do with having a relationship with your mum and having some empathy. Takes 20 seconds to reply to a text in a 2 way relationship.

Excellent post

You left her father when she was 9 and your current husband has been in her life for 17 years. She is 26. And she didn't know about any of the abuse from her father. Is it possible that she believes you broke up the family for this new person and that has impacted her negatively?

Honestly, I don't think it's normal to hear from your adult children so infrequently. My siblings and I have lived in different timezones throughout our adult life. We would all be in touch with our parents via phone at least once a week, even if it was a message to say we couldn't call that week for whatever reason. Family WhatsApp groups were quite quiet until we had children and now generally used for sending photos/updates of what they have been up to.

You are being ridiculous. Your DC have their own busy lives. Just because they're not on the phone every day does not mean they dislike you, resent you or are unfeeling. The comments about having everything money coud buy are a bit...telling. Does she owe you, then, rather than getting on with her life in a new and exciting country, putting down roots, making friends, getting outdoors in the magnificent hot summer we have just had?

I forgot to say i was also accused of taking my father’s side when the truth was it ws just a simpler, far more surface connection with little to dislike since i simply wasn’t that invested in him. I knew he wasn’t a great person.

Typically, Mother is far more important and therefore more complex with higher expectations. Just my thoughts.

@WTF99 do you know @Zone2NorthLondon or just trying to guilt random people with no understanding of circumstance or relationship?

I have a weird dysfunctional family so it's hard to gauge what's going on. Everyone's normal I'd also different. I feel sad about this situation. I don't think it takes much does it to just text you.

You have a very strong sense something is not right. So that's enough. I think, based on your experience of this relationship,.and your sense, that something is off. And it's more than just being busy. There's a disconnect in the relationship and it's for a reason. But how can you ever get to the bottom of it? Sometimes, you can't do anything. Based on the back story, and how she reacted to your disclosure ref her dad, I feel she may have an idea in her head that doesn't marry up with what you've said. It's also possible her father has been shit stirring. There's not alot you can do if she is so bought into a narrative that goes against the truth. You really can't do much here right now.

It sounds like you should just back out of the WhatsApp group and stop posting. It's making you feel awful. So no more. Completely stop.

Completely back away from your daughter for a while. If she has any intention of trying to improve it, she will let you know. It feels like you can't do any more. You can just nurture your own life, your life with your husband.

If the relationship is meant to improve and develop, I believe something will happen to make that come about.

Don't have a great relationship with own DM. But always reply to my MIL and send pics of DC. She is the first person to message me if for example I've had an interview or started a new job or on our anniversary, what DC are up to etc. My DH is useless to be honest and you might say "oh wife work" but the relationship means something to me?! You make effort for people you want to is basically what I'm saying. My SIL went to Australia and she didn't have much contact with my MIL until she had DC so maybe it's a life stage she is in?

My DM passed away tears ago - would love to be able to call or message or see her.

DH calls or has a call from his mum daily - she’s mid 70s and he’s mid 50s and I love it! I speak to her too most days or we’ll have a group call and speaks to any of our DC who are home too.
Pretty much the same conversation each day, but she has onset dementia so we make the effort to speak to her no matter what and visit every few weeks, DH does extra visits in between on his own to see his parents, and I encourage it always.

Assuming parents have done nothing awful, then I think it’s an important part of being human, to be able to spend a few minutes to regularly call or reply to a call or message - no matter how busy someone is at work or with life. Our DC have seen the way DH makes the effort for his parents and I hope they will do the same for us!