Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

I wouldn't worry about it too much - I moved to Australia in my mid twentys for a bit of time and I don't think I gave anyone back home a second thought as I was too busy enjoying a new adventure. That's not to say I don't love them but I always assume that unless I hear otherwise, everyone is fine and I don't need to worry. Once I got a bit older I've gotten much better at being in contact and probably speak to or see my parents once every couple of weeks if I can.

Agree that you splitting with her dad is behind this no contact. She thinks you're lying about her dad. Is she in contact with him? He's probably told her a pack of lies about you.

If I spoke to my mother once every few weeks that would be enough, we have nothing really to talk about and I wouldn’t really tell her anything personal that is going on in my life as she is a terrible gossip

I speak to daughter most days ,she has a newborn and 5 yr old so lots to talk about,I see her twice a week,1 son lives in London( he was in Vancouver for a year ,last year and called every 2 weeks) or FaceTimed on his way to work.He calls once a week and see him every few weeks, other son in Australia.
We speak every couple of weeks but I generally wait for him to call ,because I then know he actually wants a good chat ! Time difference is ok at the moment,only 9 hours ahead.
We have family WattsApp and we put pictures ie new baby etc and any other news on it,boys talk football ( both Arsenal supporters ) . Find the WattsApp engages son in Australia and he is still in the family loop!
OP I agree with other PP that daughter could be so far away she is homesick or just feeling a bit detached through no fault of your own .

I was similar in my 20s. I actually think it’s a sign they’ve been brought up well as you have one adventurous daughter in NZ and a son who is getting on with life. They sound busy and ambitious.

I think the poster hit the nail on the head about being really self focused in our 20s - I made little effort at this age and was always engrossed in my own love life/work/general dramas. Nowadays I see my parents absolutely loads and am much more thoughtful about them as people in their own right!

I was exactly the same from about 16, just couldn't wait to leave home and get on with life.

I did actually write home very frequently, before mobile phones.

@mothersdayhmm

I have to agree with previous posters ... 'They probably have a bit of a busy life' is utter 'cop out' bollocks. NO-ONE is too busy to answer a few texts a week. Both my DC are very busy, Uni-educated professionals, and they answer my messages within 1 to 6 hours depending on what they're doing. And I speak to them (actually talk) once or twice a week. We also share WhatsApp messages and memes and jokes 3-4 times a week. (They are 30-ish.) Me and DH see them 3-4 times a month. (They live around 20 minutes to half hour's drive away.)

It is NOT normal for adult DC in their late 20s and older to not be arsed to respond to text back. As has been said, the 'too busy' card is bullshit. I genuinely feel sorry for you having a daughter who has moved to New Zealand. I would HATE this. Even worse for you because she CBA to stay in touch. At least your son is better! I am really sorry. Hopefully, your DD will contact you more in a few years, but yeah, that is sad to hear.

Generally at that age the periods of time I was on the phone to my mum a lot were when I was very unhappy. When I was busy loving life I definitely wasn’t in touch as much!

just don’t try and guilt her into calling you more, that creates resentment and bad feeling.

Unpopular opinion incoming, but I think your daughter is selfish and self absorbed. I think I would tell her outright that you find her behaviour hurtful and rude, then see if she takes it on board. If she doesn't, honestly I would focus on yourself and leave her to it. She'll may hit a rough patch and realise she needs her lovely mum, but if she doesn't, you've at least looked after yourself.

You know this how? What in @mothersdayhmm posts suggest her dd has unresolved issues regard dad from childhood

OP I feel for you. I have one DD (who’s still a toddler) and I feel really sad at the thought of her not wanting to keep in touch much when she’s older.

In my 20’s, especially when I was away at uni and then moved out of home etc I wasn’t in touch with my parents as much, but definitely would’ve spoken to my mum at least once a week.

You don’t say what your relationship was like before she moved? Have you always been close and had a good relationship?

In all honesty though, someone that wants to move the other side of the world (did you say she had a young child too or am I making that up?) away from their family, isn’t obviously that family orientated, so it’s probably not much of a surprise that she’s not in touch much. I’m in my late 30’s now and tbh, would hate to move away from my family now.

I think I would leave the texting and see if you can organise a weekly, every 10 days 20 min phone call.

It’s sad as you can’t force her to care, but I get why you would feel sad.

The bit where she said her daughter thinks she’s lying about her dad being abusive.

I agree with this . My children are definitely more considerate,caring,interested than they were in early 20s .

Oh. I wonder if she's in frequent contact with him and he's fed her a pack of lies about you?

You can't assert what is and isn't normal based on your own experience.

Your family's contact levels sound way too full on and demanding for me. Based on my own experience, your level of contact is "not normal".

But really, it's just normal for you. It's what works for you. I would feel utterly suffocated and stressed by that level of regular expected contact, as would the rest of my immediate family. We all find messaging and phone calls effortful in general, and tend to be content in our own worlds doing our own thing for a while before getting back in touch to catch up with each other.

People are all different and it's a mistake to judge harshly based on your own preferences.

I agree with this, let her know how you feel succinctly, then step back.

Does your DS have regular contact with her?

I'ld be saddened if this were to happen in my immediate family.

With hindsight, I’m really glad that I did speak to my Mum regularly, because she died when I was in my mid-20’s.

Perhaps that’s why I like staying in touch with family because to be blunt, we don’t know what’s around the corner. 🤷

I think she's stewing about something, ask her if something is wrong between the two of you.

Your DD has physically distanced herself as well as barely responding to you so it’s clear she doesn’t want regular contact.

she might feel as you message so often that you are fine and knowing your messages are there are comforting but equally she could dread them/roll her eyes or have muted the chat.

it’s very sad for you but she probably is really busy with marriage, work and making a life in a new country.

I would tell her you would like to visit and plan a trip. Things might also change if and when she has children.

I message my dad every so often, we’ll chat for a bit and then won’t speak again for a couple weeks. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s more we’re both very busy. The last time I physically seen my dad was at new year! Ofcourse we have spoken since x

Yes, but it's very difficult because obviously you don't want to bad mouth her father. My ex would say awful things about me and I didn't say much about any of it to our son.

I just said 'well, we're divorced therefore both of our opinions are biased and it's better for you to simply judge us on your own experience of us'.

I don't explain anything about the marriage other than to say that we weren't as good a match as we had initially hoped.

I live in the UK and don't speak to my mum that much. She messages and calls occasionally and I reply sometimes with quite a delay as I have two young kids on my own. We love each other but have very independent lives. I think a 26 year old in NZ being uncommunicative is completely normal.

Are you sure your daughter is ok? The only times I have been distant from my family, not messaging or answering my phone was when I had a bad time and didn't feel like talking to them and worrying them.

My partner has ADHD and can’t cope with constantly replying to messages in the way other people do so will put time aside each week to catch up and reply to a load at once. This means people can hear back from him a few days later. I actually think that approach is quite healthy as he’s not glued to his phone all day ignoring the real world.

to answer your question, I hardly ever phone my mum because when I talk about something that has upset me or is bothering me she immediately talks about herself or her friends who I don’t know and never shows any interest in me really. She complains I dont call her enough. It makes me so sad and angry that I have to avoid contact as much as I can.

I have a mother who hid inconvenient/unpleasant truths about herself and family from me until well into my 30s, and I want little to do with her as a result as I feel she broke my trust by not being honest with me as an adult, though she had plenty of opportunities to do so. In your case it sounds like you were only trying to protect your daughter (not the case with my mother, unfortunately), but her actions suggest that she harbours some resentment towards you — I don’t think it’s normal to be quite so distant towards a parent with whom you have a good relationship. Based solely on my own experience, I personally think you need to be honest with her about what happened with her father - she’s not a child anymore and deserves to know the truth.