Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

Sounds completely normal. And if What's App had been invented when I was in my 20s, I would have found the idea of parents posting "little jokes and memes" totally cringe.
They're fine - just let them get on with their own lives.

I don’t know if this would apply to your daughter, but I lived abroad for several years. When I was depressed I’d find myself dropping contact with family and friends back in the UK. I didn’t want to inflict my problems on them

I wonder if the abuse affected her more than you realise op. Maybe she wants to distance herself from unhappy memories, although that’s very sad and hard for you. Maybe write her a letter that really sets out your love and care for her and then wait for her response?

I should add, I am not worried about her safety whatsoever. She is married to a lovely man who would alert us instantly if anything was wrong. I am more concerned about her lack of wanting to have a connection with me. I have a feeling that if I didn’t message her for six months, she wouldn’t message me either. It feels like I am the only person keeping this relationship alive.

Is she still assimilating to NZ? I think it can take a while to recalibrate and get into a new normal.
I think when children come along it changes again and when you haven't seen your parents for a while suddenly they look much older and that changes the contact again.
I would just maintain what you do, don't try to guilt her it may completely backfire.

Honestly I think its a reflection of what a good job you've done to raise independent people.

I would cutback on the message sending. They will feel the gap and message you, that is more equitable all around.

My mother was messaging me like a maniac from the other side of the world and often it was inconvenient and tiresome. I didn't need a message at 11pm from her in the early hours telling me about her dreams. Etc.

Actually it’s an ask I wouldn’t fulfill. You want a same day response to manage your anxieties?
Manage your anxiety by developing resilience and mindfulness, not by externalising and requiring a same day response (albeit brief response )

I think it means you’ve raised independent children who are having lots of fun :)

I was probably quite like this until I had kids. They lived locally so I did see them but communication was not regular! Now it’s around once a week that I see them and speak to my mum on the phone once in between. Send pics of the grandkids.

My DH on the other hand… speaks to his twice a day, sees them twice a week, don’t be that kind of parent as it will only annoy future partners of your kids 🤣

This is the way to go!
no constant how are yous, what are you upto, it just gives them the job of replying
Keep it light- memes, funny links, silly stuff you’ve done/said, and yes shared family groups are great for this too.
In my early 20s away from home I didn’t think of my parents much, I was too busy with friends and learning life. But like most I got closer to them again.

She didn’t see any of the abuse. He was exceptionally good at hiding it from everyone. No one knows except my current husband.

I ring ds every week. It's unusual for us not to speak at that time. Why not just ring her? I don't expect a long chat though sometimes it happens. He is slowly becoming more likely to call me himself but it's still only about once every four times.

@Zone2NorthLondon Wow, I hope you don’t treat your own Mum like this and I hope you’re not treated this way by your loved ones either.

I’m inclined to say that your children are secure and attached and don’t need to habitually check in. DD is in NZ living a new and different life. I genuinely don’t think it’s necessarily that bad that a twenty something doesn’t Check in as often as you’d hope

Yes! The person I manage who is around 24, said she started a family WhatsApp group to chat about a word game they were all playing. Now they all text every morning to gloat about their scores. Parents are happy and so are the kids - no boring “how are you”, “I’m fine” 😊

IMO messaging twice a week is way too much when she clearly isn't interested.

I lived abroad in my 20s and spoke to my mum every month or two. I would have definitely felt smothered by multiple texts a week.

Does she have small children? That could be a factor.

have you ever apologised to her for raising her in an abusive household? I’m absolutely not saying this was your fault. But it won’t have had no impact on her. Also you are the one travelling to your son and paying for the meal- you are the one making the effort there not him. My own mother raised me in a sexist way, women and girls should put up and shut up. I had expectations on me to help around the house while my brother did not. My mother would also say I had a great childhood with that same time I ought to be more grateful. She thought my brother was a much better child than her daughters. And she’s completely astounded that now she’s getting frail and not able to help him like she used to he has no time for her. Perhaps look closely at the differences in your children's childhood experiences. I don’t speak to my mother much at all, while still helping her when she calls for it- but until she died I spoke very often with the woman who had been there for me growing up and had given me the emotional support and love I never got from my mother. Even though my mother provided the house and food and clothes it’s not all a child needs

Tbh, I probably wasn’t in contact much with my parents in my 20s and I also lived overseas for a period. I’m probably closer to my mum now I’m in my 40s.

I am not anxious about her at all. As I have said, I know that she is safe because she has a lovely husband who is looking out for her. It’s more a case of her not messaging me for several days after I’ve messaged her just feels like an absolute lack of care from her side. Put it this way, if this was a friend I would’ve stopped messaging a long time ago.

Set up a group WhatsApp and get into the habit of messaging.

Both DH and and I have never been in the habit of calling, we both hate it. I left home at 18 and never spoke to my parents much on the phone.

But we’ve now set up a group WhatsApp with both mums and my sib ILs and it’s much nicer, we’re all chatting a few times a week and it’s much more free flowing.

i really struggled with the obligatory formal phone calls as an adult child before I was married and tbh im
not sure my mum enjoyed them either even though she wanted them, we just don’t and never had a natural flow. Having a group chat has been so much better especially for the 2 mums as they can banter between themselves about the more mundane stuff and we can just chip in.

I call my mum everyday and I know one of my brothers is also very close with her and speaks every day - but older brother however isn't, and he rings my dad a few times a week for a chat. None of us live close - but my mum is a best friend to me more than a mum really, like you ring your friend to bitch/vent/share happy news, I ring her in that sense, not out of obligation

My dh rings his mum once or twice a year, sees her at Xmas and maybe in the summer. I have no idea why he’s not in more regular contact. There’s no back story, no falling out. He just doesn’t see the need to ring for a chat.

Blip? Aaaaaand there it is

Wow what? You said you expect timely responses,otherwise you get anxious
So,Manage your anxieties and don’t impose expectations upon your adult children
My familial relationships are stable and no one imposes expectations about time frame for respones.

My DC are DS 24 and DD 27. They both live about 90 minutes away from me. Both have partners and very busy jobs and social lives.

DS calls me about five times a week. DD maybe once a week. We all message each other 1:1 or on our group chat very regularly. It’s unusual for a day to go by where there isn’t some in joke or bit of random info shared.

How frequently did DD contact you before she moved away?

We have a family whatsApp. Me and my husband post in it a lot. My son occasionally posts in it. 90% of the posts that my husband and I put in there get ignored by everyone. My daughter and her husband rarely post in it. God, it’s cringe isn’t it? I would not try this hard for anyone else.