Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

Out of interest, (I’m quoting this bc scrolling to the bottom to write a post is taking way too long) do ppl who felt this way accept that the children they are currently close and devoted to will behave in a similar way (obv kids grow up and become independent) and do you feel sad at the prospect of only hearing from them rarely and seeing them even less? It’s part of life I know for kids to move on but looking at them now when they rely on you for so much and love you so much and you’re the most important apart of their world, does it make you sad knowing this will end sooner than you’d probably like and then that’ll be it forever?

No one wants to hold their kids back or make them emotionally reliant, I just wonder what the views are of ppl who admit to wanting to leave home asap and love but rarely contact their parents.

Does she have adhd? I do and am terrible at staying in touch with people.

In my twenties my mum rang me approximately once a week and we’d chat for maybe 20 minutes. I enjoyed it but I would not have wanted her to insist on a particular schedule. It’s tricky for you and DD. . She’ll be immersed in her marriage and new country and probably just not thinking about folk at home. At some point this is likely to change especially if she has children. You know she’s well and happy, try to let that be enough for now.

I wouldn’t worry too much. In my experience, my three sons didn’t keep in touch too much in their twenties and were living away. Then, to my surprise, they settled down, had children and two live close to me and the other intends moving back next year.
The twenties are a time for young people to pour their energies in to making a life for thenselves. In a way it shows you brought up well adjusted, confident people who can lead independent lives

It’s interesting reading the comments from people about parenting / being emotionally present etc. I hope your children will agree that you met your own high standards, I also wonder if you had any trauma in your own lives or had a good platform to be perfect from?
most people love their children and do their best with what they had.
I had a lot of anger to my own mum for a long time, she was emotionally abusive and neglectful. She’d tell me she wish she’d never had me, we ruined her life, no one would want me etc daily whilst also not meeting our practical needs. if I spoke to her about it she’d argue and make me wrong and then all the comments as I’ve said
but now, I’ve got so much compassion for her, and can value all the good things about her and we’ve got a warm relationship again

I fully know that it’s not ideal when parents let us down but it’s so healthy to accept people as human with their flaws and good sides and to not expect perfection. We can’t even give perfection ourselves

some people will say you need healthy boundaries and I agree that is true also but maybe review them, as circumstances and people move on.

I'm 36 now and my parents are 66/70 and I don't think there's ever been a period of time in my life where we've gone longer than a week without some form of contact. That's the norm amongst all my friends and other family members as well.

I'm sure I sound really naive, but it honestly really surprises me that so many people go weeks/months without talking to their parents/adult children - abusive relationships aside, of course.

I would really, really miss my mum and dad if we didn't speak regularly. DH sees his dad pretty much daily as well (his mum passed last year). That's just our norm and reading these posts, I'm really glad for it.

Set up a family group chat. Ours gets a load of random crap posted on it but at least I know they are alive and well!

I have two mid 20’s and hear from them most days but we all live locally to each other so are attending meals or other day to day stuff with one another.

Surely you know that all families are different though? My parents weren’t abusive and we generally get on well (my parents are divorced), but I had a period where I didn’t speak to my mum for nearly a year in my early 20s because she got a new partner and basically disappeared off the face of the earth! She became a completely different person for a while. We did rebuild our relationship, but not all families are perfect, or have perfect relationships.
We don’t know why the OPs daughter isn’t in frequent contact, but she no doubt has her reasons.

@MereNoelle of course I know all families are different.

It's just genuinely not my experience that people will ignore their parents for months on end when they have an otherwise good relationship. I certainly don't have a perfect relationship with my parents and we've had our fair share of disagreements about things but I honestly can't imagine ignoring their messages for days or weeks at a time because I was busy.

I also wonder whether all these posters claiming it's fine and normal will be saying the same if their kids go on to ignore them for months on end.

I have the same problem with DS aged 31, lives 80 miles away and doesn't worry about me/us at all. Breaks my heart. A happy home? I'd have said yes but after recent counselling I can now see my DH was controlling and they didnt really get on. Nearly came to physical fist fight so that's likely why. I'm still married but I'm alive to it now and don't take any crap.

Is your dh your sons dad?

Yes

It sounds like your DS maybe feels you picked your DH over him?

I aways stood up.for my DS which caused him to argue with me saying I should have sided with him. Never did, wasn't going to happen. But yes he may feel that.

This dosent mean you can't call.your mum sometimes. As said you'd be bloody sorry if she died.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed.
It depends on the relationship.

Both my adult DD's live away from home now, and not close to home, and I have had the same problem with them both once they left.

I have great relationships with both of them but would sometimes message and it would take days to get a reply and then they were short replies and I agree, it does feel a little hurtful.

When we got together last Christmas I told them both how I struggled a little with the lack of contact from them both. They both told me that it wasn't personal or anything but they were just busy with work/gym/lives/friends/relationships and just would struggle sometimes to find the time to message back. Or they would see my message then forget to reply.

So there and then, and decided between us, I locked in weekly Facetime slots with them both which we promised to stick to and make it a priority each week.

My eldest DD I call her on Saturday morning as that time works well for her, the youngest I call on Sunday evenings. We now stick to these times, come hell or high water, and always make ourselves available for our 'weekly catch up'.

I LOVE these and look forward to them every week (as do they) knowing that I will be catching up with them, and their partners if they are around at the same time every week. It works well for us and we chat for ages, for at least an hour and we catch up on everything we have both been doing all week and just chat nonsense sometimes.

We don't tend to message much now in the week, but we do now and again exchange messages if we have something to say which can't wait until our weekly scheduled call or if we have something to tell each other.

Is this kind of thing something that might work for you?

Yep, I have to admit I find it weird that people are saying "well, it's normal to fly the nest in your twenties and to focus on yourself" - maybe, but that doesn't mean you can't still make an effort with your parents at the same time?

I’m only one person who knows two people who have emigrated to NZ: they went that far away for a reason. There are plenty of places closer by, but to be more than a day away from everything they grew up with is an intentional decision to put distance between their former life and their current life. It doesn’t have to be anything to do with you - for one of the people I know, they just wanted to be somewhere completely new and different. Perfectly happy and well adjusted. But this person does return to the UK once a year.

I suspect that your DD sees her old life as something she wants to shed. It was for my DB. When he emigrated it was on a one-way ticket. For almost 20 years my parents would hear from him once every few months. A few cursory, formal lines to let them know he was okay. They were devastated. He’s in his 50s now, calls once a week for a brief catch up, visits for one day a year on a layover on his way to somewhere else. He has an entire family my parents have never met.

This is just the way it is. His first 25-odd years were not the happiest, for him. He’s made efforts to ensure the remainder of his life is, and I think he’s succeeding. For this, my parents are grateful and happy but it’s really sad to see them sad in the knowledge that for him to be happy he needs to be far away from them. For years they questioned whether it was something they did, but I think they’ve given up on that now…because what would it change? He’s not coming back, physically or emotionally.

It’s hard, OP. I think all parents worry about this at some point or another.

@HiRen Sometimes amazing job opportunities are also the reason. That’s why my Mum lived in Australia for several years, why I moved abroad (although only to Europe) and why my BIL now lives in Asia.

In our cases, it didn’t mean that we weren’t close, we’re just encouraged to see the big wide world, iyswim. I fully expect my two to live on different continents to me at some point, possibly permanently. We’re still emotionally close though.

I hope they move somewhere that I’d like to visit!

My family are all overseas as my parents moved here for work in their twenties and never left, but they still rang their parents regularly, wrote letters and went to visit when they could. I grew up getting fortnightly calls from grandma and my aunts and uncles.

Distance and time isn't an excuse - if it was important, you'd make the effort.

Amazed by this, i speak to my mother most days and I know my sibling does too. She'd probably worried if it went all day and i hadn't replied to a message. I live 2.5 hours away and i am busy with kids and jobs but can always spare 5 mins.

@faerietales Yes, I think it’s more the norm in some families-as I said upthread, DH and his siblings are all in different time zones. 😂
It doesn’t always indicate a lack of closeness, they’re a really close knit family.

My SIL and her husband, currently in North America, are planning to move again in a couple of years. Not sure where, but they have EU citizenship so somewhere in Europe!

I can't really imagine ever leaving my family to emigrate either though. I have a close relationship with them. I'd also be gutted if my DC chose to live on the other side of the world.

@0ohLarLar I agree that it can be unthinkable if it’s not something that often happens in your family. Moving abroad for career opportunities has been the norm in my family for a few generations so I don’t see it as a big deal. Sometimes people come back like my Mum; others like my BIL and various cousins have permanently settled elsewhere.

Technology has made a huge difference though, it’s so much easier to stay in touch now.

Although I don’t doubt your own story I think you’re incorrect to extrapolate this to all people who move from UK to NZ. I have a tonne of examples of people moving from UK to NZ and from NZ to UK who have very happy lives and maybe planned to move back home but unexpectedly ended up settling in the new location due to opportunities and relationships forged there.

Most of these people still really love their original home and family and feel quite torn about the decision to stay away, and revisit the pros and cons periodically.

Often they end up missing their original home or if they do move back, finding home a bit smaller and missing the path not travelled.

It’s very true that once you live in a new country, you never feel quite whole again as your heart is in all those different places. Just for the OP to have another side of things - moving very far away is definitely not usually to escape, just for a different lifestyle, different opportunities. Lots of fantastic things about raising kids in NZ that you can’t find in the UK.