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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Adult children don’t call or message much

279 replies

mothersdayhmm · 18/04/2025 20:37

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 20/04/2025 21:31

mothersdayhmm · 18/04/2025 21:05

I don’t know what you mean by this? Her father was abusive to me in so much as he cheated on me all the time and there was some violence. As a child, she had no idea that this was happening as it was never in front of her. I left her father when she was nine. Luckily, there was enough money after our divorce for me to buy a nice house and she had a beautiful bedroom and everything that money could buy.

Because having a good childhood is not just about "having everything money can buy".

SnoopyPajamas · 20/04/2025 22:00

My immediate impression reading this was that she's gone "low contact" with you, and so has your son.

TorroFerney · 21/04/2025 11:44

CamillaMacauley · 19/04/2025 20:09

I don’t think that’s fair or actually accurate for this specific poster to be honest. She says she had a good relationship with her Dd as an adult when she was still in the uk. The daughter seems to get on with her dad still so don’t think she’s that upset about that abusive relationship 🤷‍♀️

seems to me it’s distance and being busy along with being a bit self absorbed which is causing the loss of contact.

True and I’m maybe projecting as I had similar but I thought and acted like I had a great relationship with my mother until I eventually realised what my childhood had been like. My mother would probably say I don’t show her as much attention as I used to (difference being she never contacts me) and to her nothing has changed ie she’s not done anything and that’s true.

Kindling1970 · 21/04/2025 11:47

PinkyFlamingo · 20/04/2025 21:31

Because having a good childhood is not just about "having everything money can buy".

I agree. I think there is an attitude that as long as people are financially well off and buy their kids stuff then they had a happy childhood. Unfortunately, as much as you try to hide abuse, most kids do pick up on a violent vibe in the house and will also exist in fight or flight. Although things not your fault as abusive relationships are complex, I wonder if she feels like she didn’t actually have a good childhood.

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