DH has given me the ick

[Somethingabimbowouldsay]

My sister’s friend was kicked out of her home by her partner after she admitted she’d been unfaithful. Without anywhere else to go, my sister invited her to stay with her family - DP and her two DC.

We visited them a last week and met her colleague for the first time. On the journey back DH said something along the lines of, ‘she (my sister) is asking for trouble. She (her friend) looks much younger, is prettier and licentious (polite way of calling her a slag, I guess). My sister’s DP is a very decent man but I know things have been strained between them.

I am abit put out by his comments on her looks and behaviour but part of me wonders how realistic he is being.

Yes that's gross and exposes the way his mind works.

Well I think he is realistic. Why does he give you the ick when he says that ??

That he thinks a bloke will leave a long term relationship with a wonderful women for someone who is thinner and younger.

Well, I guess that’s often what happens, isn’t it?

So when he meets your sister's friends he immediately assesses how nice looking they are and how available for sex he thinks they are and then tells you his opinion?

Absolutely disgusting.

And pretty disrespectful to you as well.

Often? I don't know anyone who has done this.

There was no mention of thinner and I’d guess your DH has spotted something you’ve not picked up on. My reaction would be very different to yours and I’d tell your sister to be cautious.

That's pretty off. I suppose it could've just been a random thought. Best response would've been a long the lines of "DP is a decent guy so I don't imagine Sis is worried about him. Why? Would I have something to worry about if she moved into our house?" It would have made him have to explain himself at the time.

I don't know if it's worth bringing up retrospectively.

his comment had obviously made you feel uncomfortable but there’s many reasons why he might’ve said it; he may have direct knowledge / experience of infidelity and is therefore a bit of a cynic. Why do you feel so affronted by the speculation that your BIL could potentially cheat? Or is it just that he articulated this woman was pretty that has upset you?

@AliBaliBee1234the people who fuck your over tend to be those you allow to get close to you. That’s why the greatest betrayals are when your friends sleep with your partners, because you trusted them both.

I mean, statistically he’s not wrong. Very depressing.

I meant when people cheat, it’s often for someone younger / prettier etc.

People saying someone has 'given me the ick' makes me recoil in horror

So you sound well suited.

Your DH knows his BIL. Maybe his comment was in relation to his opinion on BIL.

I agree with him, I wouldn’t want a woman like that staying in my house either, she sounds like she has low morals

Does your sister know her well?

If her friends morals are low enough to cheat on her partner they are probably low in other areas as well, she may not be after your sisters husband ( nor him her) but she could cause trouble in other areas

When I was first married I offered a good friend a home. Big mistake. I could see the writing on the wall and the red flags in front of the wall. It happens.

Would I be a bit put off that it crossed his mind? Yes.

Do I think that he’s wrong…..? No.

I know a couple who has recently started letting a worker crash at theirs sometimes because it’s hospitality work and honestly? It crossed my mind too. My acquaintance is very trusting and the mothering type but it just screams “bad idea”, even if her DH doesn’t seem the type to cheat at all.

I can see why the observations might trouble you, but you need to get over it.

I would be wary of responding to honest observations in such an emotional way (that it's given you the ick). It only encourages being more shut off with each other. Disagree, by all means; saying what's on your mind is the route to closer understanding.

Is it such a leap of him to make the observations he did when extra-marital sex (cheating sister's friend) is already part of the fact pattern - even the direct cause of her stay?

How should her sister “be careful”? Keep her dp away from all other women in case he can’t control himself?

Me too!

Well, a lot of guys are exactly like this. He is just being realistic, as someone else pointed out. Men will be men 🤷‍♀️

What do you mean?

Other areas?

What, like shoplifting? Speeding? Taking drugs?

@User46576my mum 100% trusted my dad (her DH of over 30 years) & yet he left her for a much younger friend of my mum’s who she’d taken under her wing so to speak (& encouraged my dad to help her around her house etc as she was a young single mum). Totally flattered my dad & turned his head & honestly, if she’d kept distance between them, I don’t believe it would have turned out as it did as they were totally fine before it all unfolded!

Nah he's right.
You're just to close and desperately want him to be wrong.