DH has given me the ick

[Somethingabimbowouldsay]

My sister’s friend was kicked out of her home by her partner after she admitted she’d been unfaithful. Without anywhere else to go, my sister invited her to stay with her family - DP and her two DC.

We visited them a last week and met her colleague for the first time. On the journey back DH said something along the lines of, ‘she (my sister) is asking for trouble. She (her friend) looks much younger, is prettier and licentious (polite way of calling her a slag, I guess). My sister’s DP is a very decent man but I know things have been strained between them.

I am abit put out by his comments on her looks and behaviour but part of me wonders how realistic he is being.

Says more about what he’s thinking.

Except Princess Diana! 🤣

She's just out there seducing tubby middle aged men left and right!😂 These poor, poor men. I might hold a vigil for them later.

Which is exactly what 95% of Mumsnetters say on every thread where a man has any kind of female friend.

How well do DH and BIL get on generally? Maybe he’s detecting something you aren’t picking up on?

Unfortunately, he's not wrong...

So rather than challenge him you said nothing?

I think that’s a fair comment- he clearly sensed a vibe in that house that you didn’t and was expressing his opinion.

I think that was entirely fair of him.

Of course you don’t have to agree with him. You could have said « I didn’t really sense that if I’m honest » or « I don’t think x is the type of guy to really think that way »

But have you considered that he’s right and you’re wrong? You don’t actually know what’s in the head of this bloke- either of your opinions could be true (or neither!)

Ick indeed

You’ve now gotten a brief snapshot of how he thinks about women, cheating etc. pretty grim

I actually don’t think it’s about the”fuckabilty “ (horrible term) of the friend. It’s just that in long term relationships/marriages you can love each other but it’s not the same as the endorphin fuelled falling in love period. You can take each other for granted.
A new person in the mix paying a bit of attention to someone and flattering their ego can make life feel mor exciting again. Especially if they are around a lot of the time .An affair could easily start in this situation even if that same relationship would be unlikely in a different set of circumstances.
so I think your dh is right

As a woman, I would be saying the exact same as your husband.

The friend has low morals and is now in a desperate situation being technically homeless. She could very well try and seduct BIL in a bid to have a place to live. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot of men who seem like wonderful husbands ditch the wife for a younger woman.

I’ve also came across mistresses who get a thrill off going with married men. Most likely have very low self esteem or just plain vile specimens.
No way on earth would I have welcomed her in the house if I was your sister. I wonder if your sister is secretly having the same doubts.

He is right bit he has also just told his wife he was eyeing up another woman . He think she is pretty and up for it .
Has also told his wife how his head works. .
If they had the females staying at their house he would cheat as it would be there bad the female would be up for it .
Forgetting marriage vows . Ffs men like her husband are cheating scum bags. .

To be very honest, I'd probably think the same as your DH. However, if the BIL is a decent man your sister doesn't need to worry. Obviously the sister's friend probably isn't interested in him anyway!

I get the "ick" factor. But he may just be describing how he sees other men act (and let's face it, this is how alot of men act) and not necessarily how he would act.

I agree with those that say he is speaking a truth and your sister would do well to be careful.

I'd also not do anything to encourage him to not be open and honest with his opinions in future. It's good that he feels he can be.

No, he's not saying he would cheat, he's pointing out the risk. And so what if he's noticed she's pretty? If my brother moved a hot young man into his house I'd most definitely notice! I wouldn't cheat on DH though.

It's given you the ick because he's actually described his own feelings towards the woman.

Is it him using the word slag or you? Whichever of you is the unreasonable one for saying/thinking such gross misogynistic language.

Attraction doesn't have to be physical.
She may have insecurity issues and get her security and validation from male attention.

It may be psychological.

This isn't "all other women" is it.

It's a cheating tart.

And make no mistake, that's what she is. Not a decent, moral woman.

Is he accountable if he goes sniffing round a cheating tart? Absolutely.

So, let's put a homeless cheating tart, living in a house with a man who has an already "strained" marriage. Whatever could go wrong?

What is it with grown women using the word 'ick' like a 5 year old child? Seriously grow up. You can say you find his views repugnant without articulating it like a toddler who just saw a dog poo for the first time ever.

It happens all the time so yes, he's being realistic.

Your DH may or may not be right about whether your sister’s partner will take up the opportunity to cheat (if one were offered up by her colleague).

But he’s definitely not wrong to think it’s inviting trouble, particularly when their marriage has been shaky. Yes, her DP ‘could’ cheat anywhere with anyone. But it would take a conscious effort and some proactive ‘looking’ on his part.

This situation makes it much easier and therefore, depressingly perhaps, more likely.

Yes, your husband could have put the comment he made more tactfully. However, you are his wife, and therefore perhaps he felt he could be more frank with his wording? Unfortunately, to a degree he is correct, and I'd say this regardless if the friend was male or female. If a person's morals are loose enough to cheat on their partner, and to be kicked out of home. Yes, it's entirely possible that person could have no qualms about flirting etc with their friend's husband/wife, even though they're helping them out. Men who cheat are likely to go for someone younger, whereas women (depending on their age) will go younger or older. You admitted your sister's relationship with her husband is strained, and she's brought another woman into her home. I'm not saying your BIL would cheat, but if the friend started flirting with him, would his ego get the better of him?! Personally, if my relationship was strained with my husband, I wouldn't be allowing anyone to stay, regardless if the friend was male or female, it's going to put more strain on an already strained marriage.

I don't understand why people think this woman will cheat with the husband simply because she's cheated before. People are saying that because she has loose morals and is a "cheating tart" she'll make a play for the sister's husband. This seems odd to me as we know nothing about the woman, apart from the fact she cheated once. Maybe her marriage was unhappy, maybe she fell deeply in love with her affair partner. None of this excuses the affair, I know!! However, it doesn't mean that because she once had an affair that she'll want to have sex with the sister's husband.

FFS

Women on here are always pointing out how posters "need to monitor the situation" and expect their partner of cheating. Does that mean they are also all cheats or does it only count if a man points out there's potential there?

Lots of posters are trying to give this cheating woman a pass and basically saying "ah it was only once. She wouldn't again" whilst any man who cheated should be condemned to a life of misery and exclusion.

Putting someone younger and prettier with lack of regard for long term relationships into a tense relationship is adding needless extra temptation. Yes he COULD go elsewhere but why would he need to make the effort when there is someone there already he could turn his attentions to?

DH isn't "ranking women" he's made an observation that this friend is prettier (not hotter, sexier, fitter BTW, prettier which is a much nicer way of saying it).

You're own best friend could have made this same comment and I bet you wouldn't be all "she's saying she would cheat if she got the chance" you'd be taking the advice