DH has given me the ick

[Somethingabimbowouldsay]

My sister’s friend was kicked out of her home by her partner after she admitted she’d been unfaithful. Without anywhere else to go, my sister invited her to stay with her family - DP and her two DC.

We visited them a last week and met her colleague for the first time. On the journey back DH said something along the lines of, ‘she (my sister) is asking for trouble. She (her friend) looks much younger, is prettier and licentious (polite way of calling her a slag, I guess). My sister’s DP is a very decent man but I know things have been strained between them.

I am abit put out by his comments on her looks and behaviour but part of me wonders how realistic he is being.

"I am abit put out by his comments on her looks and behaviour but part of me wonders how realistic he is being."

This comes across as hypocritical given your username @Somethingabimbowouldsay

It could be anything, general bad / inconsiderate behaviour,
eg, has she given a timeframe for how long she is staying, otherwise they find that she outstays her welcome

I wouldn’t feel sympathetic towards a woman like that, she got herself into the shit situation that she is in so can sort it out herself, why isn’t she staying with the man she had an affair with or will he not have her either…..or let me guess, he was married as well?

Personally I think he is bang on the money and you and your sister are naive to think other wise.

I know loads of women who would refuse to hire a young, pretty au pair. A wealthy couple in our village who do loads for the community took in a Ukrainian refugee at the start of the conflict. She happened to be blonde, six foot and 26. Husband took a shine to her and the feeling was mutual.

He is stating the obvious, no idea why it would give you the ick. If your Mum said ‘Your sister is bloody bonkers to move in a young, ‘friendly’, pretty girl in to the marital home’ would you be as offended?

Ha ha! Because that’s never happened before! Blimey. Wake up.

He’s probably right. It’s a weird thing to get the ick over.

Have you ever perused the Relationships board on here?

It’s a bit distasteful but he may well have a point

Sounds like he either has a very low opinion of his BIL, or else he finds men cheating on their female partners potentially acceptable because of course the poor little innocents can be led astray by a loose wummin. He also sounds pretty naive - if BIL wants to cheat, he doesn't need a harlot or strumpet or whatever your H's preferred term might be literally IN HIS HOUSE in order to do it.

Your sister sounds decent, and we don't know the friend/colleague's backstory - perhaps if her husband had such a strong reaction to her infidelity, she doesn't make a habit of cheating and has succumbed to a specific case of attraction or even love for her cheating partner. Too many possibilities to really guess.

I would be asking more about why he thinks that. As others have said, it may reflect his option on BIL.

Actually I lived with a cheater and he always went for easy pickings. His girlfriends and wives were gorgeous, cheating partners were always "grateful"

So your Dsis brought a younger, known cheat into the house with her DP who she is having some relationship troubles with?

Your DH is right. And he didn't call her a whore or slut so that's good

Honestly, I’ve seen this kind of thing happen more than once. And in all 3 cases, the ow was not, in my opinion, better looking than the wife. Just shiny and new. But if the husbands head could be easily turned, then she’d be better off without him anyway.

A cheat is a cheat. I bet you wouldn't be making excuses for a man cheating because it was "a specific case of attraction"....

BIL could cheat anywhere, yes, but placing a potential partner right with him isn't smart

People who cheat on diets, for example, COULD buy a cake any time but are more likely to give into temptation if its right there than having to make a little extra effort

Agree with Loobylott above. There is a theory on 'Surviving Infidelity' forum about this.

Your husband is being realistic. This friend cheated on her significant other so I wouldn't trust her not to screw over others she has close relationships with.

🤣 Yes right!

You don't keep a wolf in the henhouse...

I agree with your DH that your sister has invited trouble into her already strained household. It wouldn't take much for her to pay him attention, sympathise with his situation and turn his head. Men are easily manipulated like that and she has hasn't exactly displayed good choices.

Never let a damsel in distress into a relationship that's having some wobbles.

Men's protectiveness/needing to be neededness comes out at a time where he possible feels he isn't so needed by his DW. Your sisters friend doesn't have to want him or have an affair with him for it to be a whole heap of problems waiting for her marriage to go horribly wrong.

Was she flirting with your husband while you weren't looking? Sounds to me like he read her differently to you and is trying to look out for your sister.

My father could easily have said something like this. He did tend to think the worst of people and he was often right. As fas as I know though he never cheated on my mother in over 50 years. The fact that it's unpalatable does not make it less likely to be true in your sister's case. You've heard of a cuckoo in the nest, haven't you. I think I would feel somewhat uncomfortable having a friend who cheats on her husband in any case.

It’s not nice, of course, but he’s just being real.

I’m really sorry your mum had to go through that, but to be honest, your dad is equally responsible here. He’s an adult who made his own choices. No one can lead someone astray unless they’re willing to go. Suggesting it wouldn’t have happened if she’d kept her distance lets him off the hook, and that’s not fair. He made vows to your mum, and it was his job to honour them, no matter what situation he was in. The blame sits equally with him.

Happy with cheating...
Just going through a breakup right now and maybe looking for comfort...
Has nowhere else to go...

Yeh, I'd not be inviting that into my home. It's asking for trouble. A man might not be looking to leave but might still take the opportunity of sex (or something less) if it came along and was thrown at him, which some women do, especially if by ousting the man's DP/DW she'll have somewhere free to stay or can tap him for money to pay her rent when she moves out.

He's spot on though! In 6 months your sister will probably be starting her own thread asking for a hand hold. Tale as old as time.

I thought you meant he had given you the ick becaise he called a woman he doesn't know, a slag.

Cheating is shit, but there is usually a plethora of reasons, not just because she fancied a shag and wasn't arsed about the consequences.

I'm flabbergasted by the responses on here.

I think it’s got to do with human behaviour that is deep and shallow at the same time.

To a woman in an uncertain living and home situation - your disis’ home and family set up could be very desirable. For a husband who (rightly or wrongly) feels neglected by his wife, finds conversation and attention from a younger woman desirable. Perfect storm.

Sex is an evolutionary drive that is very strong. We hope its controlled by reason and integrity - unfortunately we also know that is not the case.

Your dsis sounds very compassionate and so may find thinking in these terms as uncomfortable, she probably likes to see the best in people, however, in her best interests she needs to be encouraged to support her friend outside of her family home.