DH has given me the ick

[Somethingabimbowouldsay]

My sister’s friend was kicked out of her home by her partner after she admitted she’d been unfaithful. Without anywhere else to go, my sister invited her to stay with her family - DP and her two DC.

We visited them a last week and met her colleague for the first time. On the journey back DH said something along the lines of, ‘she (my sister) is asking for trouble. She (her friend) looks much younger, is prettier and licentious (polite way of calling her a slag, I guess). My sister’s DP is a very decent man but I know things have been strained between them.

I am abit put out by his comments on her looks and behaviour but part of me wonders how realistic he is being.

Exactly this. You admit that your DSis’s marriage is not in a great place at the moment. Her friend is also in a precarious and difficult phase going through a breakup. Why tempt fate?

I don’t think your DH said anything wrong. BIL might have mentioned something to him that he wouldn’t say to you, even jokingly.

Maybe he’s picked up on a vibe from
her or him, or both, that you’ve missed. Just because you don’t want it to be true doesn’t mean it’s not. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, but you seem to have taken it personally as if you think he’s expressing what he might do in the same situation?

He's not wrong though is he- their marriage is strained and this attractive woman apparently has no morals.

Indeed. Not too many people get left for someone older and uglier.

I think one of MN’s favourite quotes applies here. When someone shows you who there are, believe them the first time. And in this case it applies to the cheating friend! Your DH is just stating the obvious

Exactly. Playing with fire and very naive thing to do moving her in.

The woman has a track record for cheating! There is a possibility she may decide to make a play for your BiL. How he reacts to this is the unknown!

It's the way he talks about this woman and your sister.
Was there any comments at all about the BIL ? He clearly has a very low opinion of him or just believes all men have no self control at all just all at the mercy of opportunity.

He could of said I hope it doesn't cause any friction between their relationship it can be hard having house guests especially someone that's in a vunerable state. I am concerned about bil because of xyz behaviour I've seen that perhaps you haven't.

Instead he judged a woman for being compassionate as welcoming destruction freely so therefore she deserves it? In his head? Because the BIL can't advocate for himself? And talking about the friend in a very gross way. Why would he even need to mention what she looks like and judge her who he has met once? And doesn't know anything about the affair? Her story?

Ofcourse you can both be concerned but how it's worded is very telling how he sees men and women.

Out of curiosity op, everyone keeps saying how "dangerous" it is, the assumption being this woman will cheat with any man, there seems to be no ranking of fuckability of the BIL, he will just get sex if he wants it? And she won't even need to fancy him. Is he younger, thinner and sexier that her affair partner?

Yup

It sounds as though the DH's remarks played into OP's already existing insecurities. So when he said "she's young and attractive", she heard "she's young and I'm attracted". When he said "BIL might cheat", she heard "I would cheat."

It's all happening at a subconscious level, so she gets that"ick" feeling of fear and revulsion before she's even aware that she has related the DH's feelings back to her own relationship. That explains why she can't easily accept the objective truth of his words - that yes, cheating happens - which seems obvious to posters here.

You only have to look at the threads on here to see how often men cheat on theirs wives with younger/other women.
Your DH may have said it in a tactless way but I’m sure if I had encountered the same situation I would probably have said your sister was brave inviting someone who has a history of being unfaithful into her house when her marriage is strained.

Well of course no man has ever done that. Ever. 🙄

Sometimes those who listen and observe pick up the vibes from others. He may be right.

Whilst it's very kind of your sister to help her friend, I agree with your husband.

I've known a woman run off with her husband's colleague who used to stay with them whenever there was construction work in the area.

I've known a woman, ex friend who tried to seduce my husband when her husband left her.

So yes if he said it I would believe him.

God, that's awful.

So, your DH thinks that a woman who has cheated will automatically be up for sex with every man she encounters, so will be available to your BiL? And that a married man will not refuse if a young attractive woman offers him an opportunity to cheat with her in his marital home? He's projecting and I'd be very concerned.

This reminds me of the South Park episode when all the men can't understand why all the rich, powerful male celebrities are having affairs with young beautiful women.

They wait a few seconds then glance at their wife.

I would think twice about letting immediately family crash at my house never mind my wife's hot, newly homeless and morally questionable colleague stay with us.

Cheating is a combination of motive and opportunity. Anybody who can't see that is blind.

But isn't that an issue in itself. You say they would have been fine but obviously your dad's not the type of person to be loyal to his wife and instead pay attention to another woman, and with literally any woman who is around it seems.

I’m just impressed with the use of the word licentious in a conversation!

‘The ick’. YABVU for using that expression.

Doesn't always work that way though! Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger having an affair with his housekeeper Mildred Baena while married to Maria Shriver? You'd have thought Maria had nothing to worry about...

I'm with your husband on this. Not only is your sister having issues with her DH and an attractive unfaithful friend thrown together, your DH might have heard comments from your sister's DH

Why would an attractive young woman 'make a play' for someone's random middle aged husband though? The fact she cheated shows only that she's prepared to sleep with married men if they're attractive to her. It doesn't mean that every mediocre Joe Bloggs will be attractive to her just because he's married. The vast majority of middle aged married men couldn't be at less risk of being preyed upon by young attractive women. Even those women with suspect morals.