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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends right?

284 replies

Ammamamam · 17/04/2025 20:54

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 17/04/2025 20:59

I don’t think your friends are right. Just because their partners are not pulling their weight doesn’t excuse yours prioritising his career over family most of the time. The money doesn’t make up for you feeling lonely and unhappy.

maybe it’s time to have a very honest conversation with your husband.

Chicagodog · 17/04/2025 21:00

Why do you expect him to be in touch while he’s at work? Is there something you need him for urgently or is it just to chat?

Re tonight: do you not know his expected shift and therefore when to expect him to be home?

Penguinmouse · 17/04/2025 21:03

Your expectations around communications are an issue - he doesn’t get in touch when he’s at work? As a hospital doctor? Well, I’d hope not.

Your other points are reasonable, but I don’t think it’s fair to be irritated that he’s not in touch when he’s at work.

arcticpandas · 17/04/2025 21:04

You do need to realise that while he's working he can not chat with you. Also, if an emergency comes up he can't just say "sorry, my family's waiting, gotta go". It comes with the job. It's not something he can do anything about. You shouldn't have married a doctor if you don't understand that his work can be hectic. If he's hands on and a lovely Guy all around when at home I wouldn't mind tbh.

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 17/04/2025 21:05

What do you mean by "he doesn't come home when he technically could"?

Is he staying at work even though his shift is finished .....to help, because its so busy?

Or is he going to the pub instead of coming home?

Gymmum82 · 17/04/2025 21:06

Sounds like every doctor I know, and coming from a family of doctors and others married to doctors I know a lot. He can’t just leave on time or message you at work. It’s just not possible

tryingtobesogood · 17/04/2025 21:07

I disagree with the posts above, it takes a minute to let you know when to expect him. It’s not that hard.

merg · 17/04/2025 21:08

My DH is the same.

I have learned to live with it but it’s lonely and it’s hard. YANBU.

tryingtohavegreenfingers · 17/04/2025 21:10

I think this quite normal for doctors and many women would like to be married to a doctor hence your friends reaction. I wouldn't!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 17/04/2025 21:12

I think you have to decide if you’re ok with his job. We can’t tell you if you should be.

I do understand your experience. My DH works 24 hour shifts and is often not available to text or talk. He’s not able to be flexible in any way. There are times he’s out of commission on his day off in between shifts due to lack of sleep.

It is what it is and I knew it going in. But yeah it’s hard sometimes. And I have the added bonus of him picking up OT or working a 2nd job on his days off.

We’ve figured it out and thriving. We didn’t have kids so that would have put extra strain so I can imagine that your situation is more complicated.

loropianalover · 17/04/2025 21:15

When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though

’he doesn’t recognise that we exist’ is it not just that he’s busy OP? In work mode, doing an important job at that. When he’s home, he’s attentive and not in work mode.

What kind of shifts/hours is he working? Him getting stuck in surgery as his shift ends and him going for pints after his shift are two different things.

Cadenza12 · 17/04/2025 21:16

TBH it seems that you need to accept that when he's at work he's at work. It's not as if he's up the pub with his mates or in the betting shop. His work brings in a lot of good things into the relationship. You're off to Disney for a start. He's hands on when he's at home, no relationship or situation is perfect. That's life.

parietal · 17/04/2025 21:21

When he is at work he may not have his phone on him and will be fully in “work mode”. And given he has an intense job, that is ok.

he should be able to tell you what time he will be home and stick to it or text. But I don’t think you can expect communication during the work day.

Screamingabdabz · 17/04/2025 21:21

I get it. You are stuck keeping the home fires burning and you didn’t sign up for that but I think YABU because it was always that way before dd. If he’d changed, I’d agree with you but that’s clearly the nature of his work and probably an implied agreement with you at some point about how family life would pan out. If he’s a good husband and father when he is home I’d try and rationalise it and suck it up. Or get child care and a housekeeper.

merg · 17/04/2025 21:23

The problem with the ‘well when he’s at work he’s at work’ view is that it means the other parent either

a) doesn’t work or
b) has to take 100% of the responsibility of parenting even when at work.

so while DH and I both work, I have to get the children ready for nursery, take them to nursery, be on call on the off chance we have a phone call from nursery (thankfully only happened a handful of times) pick them up from nursery, get them bathed and in bed …

it’s hard and can be very lonely.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 17/04/2025 21:24

I don’t know what it’s like to work as a doctor in a hospital but I would bet plenty of money a mother doing the same job would manage to do more for her family.

JudasTree · 17/04/2025 21:26

This is why all my female doctor friends who marry marry other doctors.

AliBaliBee1234 · 17/04/2025 21:32

For any other occupation, I would agree with you but he's a hospital doctor. That is unbelievably stressful and hectic. I spent some time in hospital recently and don't know how they do it.

He isn't coming home late or letting time pass by because he's interested in anything other than helping people. And everyone knows hospitak Doctors work long and unpredictable hours.

Enjoy Disneyland and try and look at it from all angles. He sounds like a good man.

FrivolousKitchenRollUse · 17/04/2025 21:34

I think you feel conflicted as this is a tough one. Him not messaging you during the day is possibly because he can't. I had a partner who couldn't message during the day due to the nature/chaos of the NHS job. But the telling bit is "not coming home when he can"? Is he performing emergency surgeries that can't wait, or walking slowly around the building with a piece of paper in his hand looking for an excuse not to come home?

JLou08 · 17/04/2025 21:34

I have an intense job and if I'm honest, unless there is an emergency, it is like my family don't exist. I'm focused on the work, the job needs me to be focused so that people are kept safe. I think you are being unfair to think he needs to change. That's not to say that you don't have the right to say this isn't for you and walk away or to suggest adaptions, such as you becoming a SAHP to lighten your load, but you married and had a child with a doctor, who you say is very hands on when he is home, so he shouldn't be criticised for what he is doing.

BridgetJones7 · 17/04/2025 21:35

I can relate to this massively. Plus we have the added complexity of being a blended family.

Is your DP doing lots of extra locum work or is it just the normal ‘day job’ that keeps him/her at work so long?

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 17/04/2025 21:35

No, I don't agree with your friends opinions on this, at all.
So basically because he's a doctor and earns a lot of money he gets to check out of family life? And they think it's ok because their partners are equally as shit but earn less?
Nope.
It doesn't take a minute to text and let you know something.

enpeatea · 17/04/2025 21:36

My daughter and her husband are hospital doctors. Their jobs are v demanding. They work around them and appreciate the demands. I can imagine it’s difficult for a partner who does work in this environment

TeenLifeMum · 17/04/2025 21:38

Doctors can definitely find time to quickly message. They seem very able to find time to email me with random queries they think I might be able to help with even though it’s not related to my job, they stand in the coffee queue, eat pizza in the dr mess. I’m not saying they’re not busy, but they do have time to text. I think many go into a blinkered world and their expectations on their wives is high, even when the wife is also a dr.

All you can do is have an honest conversation and see how he responds.

Tbrh · 17/04/2025 21:40

My husband doesn't contact me during the day either ... because he's at work. Him not being home enough is a different issue but would you want him changing jobs?