Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

Even if he is a surgeon, it’s most unlikely that he is often in theatre for three hours longer than he expected, without a break.

All the hospital doctors I know message their partners, between patients, if they know they are going to be unexpectedly delayed. It’s just thoughtfulness and courtesy. Being a doctor doesn’t make you a god.

I wasn't talking about live-out nannies, but live-in ones who exist precisely for people who work long, unpredictable hours. They're on-call 24/7 during the week and are paid very handsome sums for the privilege.

If OP was also a hospital doctor, then yes, of course they would have to have other arrangements. I don't understand why it's relevant though - people don't live their lives based on "what ifs" - they live them based on their current living arrangements.

Both my parents worked in hospitals BTW and often worked late hours, shifts and unpredictable days - I was in paid childcare for 10+ hours a day and we had multiple babysitters etc. who could help out in emergencies. It is possible to make it work.

I also never said he had a free pass to do whatever he likes - clearly there are communication issues here that need to be discussed, but equally I do feel that it's unrealistic to expect regular communication when someone is working, regardless of what their job is.

I hope you’ll get through it @Ammamamam because you clearly have issues in your relationship.
About your friends. People often have a rant about their partners and then make it up and carry on and then friends who were criticizing partners during the rant ending up in a tricky position. I wonder if your friends felt that it’s just a rant on your side and they focused on good sides to calm you down. its not easy to say someone what a twat their partner was and then to behave as usual with them when they made it up.

He needs a job with more suitable hours. As you say, the extra money is not worth the negative aspect of his current role.

Money isn't everything. He'd probably make a decent enough wage if he pivoted to a role with more more family friendly hours and expectations.

So no need to bin him off completely, it's just time for a job change. Him bringing in more money doesn't justify you doing more domestic and childcare work. You can pro rata those duties between you depending on your contracted hours.

Maybe your friends don't get it because they would work those extra domestic hours for the nicer lifestyle. But you don't have to do that. It doesn't sound fair to me if I have understood the situation clearly.

Being a doctor is not 'a job' it's a career and vocation.

And? Is there only one job going in that field lol

@Ammamamami want you to think very carefully about how much your Disneyland trip is costing and then think about how many hours work it requires to fund that. Why does your partner need to be home early the night before? You’re home. You’re an adult. Prepare your own bag and your child’s bag and go to bed.

And get some childcare in if you can afford it.

Everyone saying that money isn’t everything- you can’t just switch careers at age 40 something (assuming he’s around that age or thereabouts) just because your partner isn’t happy. If you’re happy in your career you’re unlikely to throw away so many years of training for more balance unless you yourself really want it

And she knew he was a doctor before deciding to have a child with him - it works both ways. Expecting him to give up his career over this is, frankly, bonkers.

How patronising of you to assume the OP needs her partner to fund the trip. She clearly states in the OP that she works too.

Omg I didn't say give up his career! You're the 2nd one today implying that changing roles/job equates changing career. It does not. There are plenty of options for the man to pursue in his field that don't involve his wife putting up with this behaviour.

You might be so impressed by the idea of being married to a dr that you are OK with being abandoned to do all the domestic/childcare, but she doesn't have to be. Having a baby changes things. They both need to adapt and accomodate family life - not just her.

Well, maybe if several people have misinterpreted you, you didn't word it properly to begin with.

Yes, both people need to adapt but changing job is a pretty extreme reaction over what appears to a few text messages.

Hoping this doesn't feel like I'm picking on you. But that's possibly what her husband would say to her, so it's worth responding to in case she reads it. It's not just a few text messages. It's her propping up family life to support his career. Coming home late even when its unnecessary. And the way he's behaving is making her unhappy, no matter how "trivial" somebody else might see it. So something needs to change.

If she is working then she shouldn't be propping up everything at home too. She shouldn't be putting up with that unfairness just because she's married to a dr (excuse me while I swoon). The almighty dr can pull his finger out at home.

My GP was a hospital doctor but swapped to being a GP when she had children so she could be home with them after they finished school / put them to bed etc.

It's a very different job with different hours. And its not for everyone.

Maybe you and your DH can talk about his career hopes in the long term and figure out if this may be a possibility.

This is something they both should have discussed before bringing a child into the world, then.

Too many people have children and don't discuss what kind of impact it will have on their lives.

He cannot possibly ring/text you when he is working. Honestly, we do not get a minute, it is full on. He will be shattered both mentally and physically when he does get home. Be thankful for what you have got and, not moan about what you haven't....

Maybe sit down and talk about 5 year plan - could he go p/t so you could develop your career?

While many are saying 'what do you expect married to a doctor', I think you could end up very resentful that your life isn't developing. Good job you're married though, at least if it ends you'll be able to get back your loss of earnings and pension while you prop up his career. Too many women don't consider this.

Your DH is a doctor, you knew that before you had a child you are BU did you expect him to change his job, you said that he's hands on when home so you either accept the situation or separate.

If I or my child was in hospital I wouldn't want the doctor focused on anything else whatsoever. I am a teacher. During my A level lessons the country could be invaded and I'd not know a thing. I literally do not look at my phone even once over a full teaching day. Jobs that require a high degree of high level thinking occupy you completely. However unlike me it sounds like your guy gets well compensated!! You must surely see the benefit of that? Could you reduce your hours in light of how much he earns, so that you feel less swamped?

Probably been said by PPs but your DC is only 3 so he must’ve had a similar workload and shift pattern before DC, didn’t you consider that before you had kids? Sorry, I think your friends are right, if you didn’t agree to change anything pre DC it’s not fair to resent him for his career now, hospital doctors work crazy hours, which of course you know, and if he’s hands on when he is with DC what more can you expect really? I’d feel pretty hard done by if I was him and you left after I’d tried my best to provide for my family and be as hands on as possible when I was there and you hadn’t mentioned you might not want it that way before having kids. I’m very against traditional family roles and gender stereotypes etc but it was you who chose this set-up. It’s not fair to blame him now that you’ve changed your mind

Is it your DH or your long term boyfriend? This is the much, much more important question.

My exH was an in investment banker. I lost track of the number of times I was left waiting around for him. When our DDs were born he left it all to me … and like you it appeared I was so lucky! SAHM. Nice lifestyle etc. That wasn’t enough for me personally. I’m a role model to my DDs. There was no way I wanted them to grow up learning that Dads can behave however they like and Mums make up all the shortfalls. Money didn’t come into it! One of the first things I did when we separated was take them to Disney. On my own.

I did a job a bit like OP's husband. It wasn't Health Sector, which I"ve always believed demands & drains the most from its workers.
But it was in public service. I worked and slept. It was what I did.
That was because a) I wanted to do well/do a good job/serve, and b) because there was no other way to manage the workload but to keep on keeping on working and shoving the rock up the hill (+ I was the only/main breadwinner).
If, OP, you are on board with DH's territory (? health, education, social good?), then you have, maybe, to examine your motives and look honestly at yourself.
If his realities are not yours, then you have a real and deep problem.
If you haven't done a balance between what you need to 'input' against what your 'gains' might be, then I would suggest you should start soon.

Not everyone is driven by love of material goodies.
Some people are moved by notions of worth, intrinsic good and what life is worth living for.

If you split up you will be alone even more, much poorer and your DC will see even less of your DH. I think you are unreasonable to to expect him to be contacting you. However he will have breaks- legally needs to. Not unreasonable for him to do a quick check in and update on when he will be home.

You at least have friends- lean into that and make sure you are doing something fulfilling for yourself. Maybe like a job? Break up you will need one.