Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

OP sorry I agree with your friends. He is a doctor and can't just message you back on shift. My dh works in a non clinical NHS role and can't just message back everytime I message him because it's simply not possible to. Thankfully I work in schools and also can't just respond whenever dh messages me again for the sane reason. Its actually not an issue for either of us. What is an issue is you expecting him to reply when he is at work. He is there to go a job not reply to you. I would be livid if DH was annoyed at me that I couldn't just reply to him whenever he fancied having a chat whilst I am at work. I think he would be the same if I took to if it was the opposite way round. Enjoy your trip to Disney and make the most of the time you have off together but don't ask him to take time out of his working day to reply to you to have a chat. It's simply not possible in some jobs

He's a doctor in a hospital I bet he hardly gets time to use a loo or eat let alone message home.

I think YABU, your issue isn't your DP but what you are doing with your time. I know you work and have a child, so you need to make more use of that.

I'd suggest you do things with your DC - join a club, make new friends. I used to take mine to the ball pit and toddler play after Id finished work or over the weekend if my DH was working. (My DH was in retail). I got time for a coffee and chilled whilst they tired themselves out!

By the time they were in school my DH gave up his job so I could build my career. I worked overseas and travelled in UK a lot. I called home once a day when I was away. I tried to message but it wasn't always poss. He was OK with that and I could focus on my job and not worry about home so much. Like your DP when I got home I was 100% with the kids and we also did family things - meals out etc.

I know you feel you're not supported and alone, but it doesn't need to be like that.

“haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist”

This could be the same for anyone, in any job - he’s busy working. If he was on the checkouts at a supermarket he wouldn’t be able to text you back either!

Imagine you or your child were ill in hospital and needed a doctor, would you really appreciate if the doctor you needed wasn’t there because he was busy texting his wife?!

If your hospital-doctor friends are single mums, then no, they can't opt out of picking children up etc.

In a hospital, there's a never-ending stream of new patients coming in. If you are a hospital doctor who does have a partner, I imagine it's very easy to say "Yes, I'll see one more patient" because said patient has been sitting in A&E for six hours and is in pain, and who knows, it could be really serious. I'd imagine many, many hospital doctors keep seeing one more patient if they can, until another two hours or however long has gone by.

There aren't enough doctors. OP, what's happening here is that you're effectively sacrificing your family life for the greater good of the nation! Only you know if you can make your peace with that reality. I don't expect the doctor shortage will be solved anytime soon.

I don't think that being a hospital doctor is compatible with family life, and I think most of them probably have partners who don't work or who have low-stress jobs.

If you want to stay with him, I second the advice here to get some kind of domestic help. Automate everything you can, like bills, and do online shopping. Batch-cook.

I know that none of this replaces his presence. And I hear you - while not the same, my exH was very much not present, for different reasons. It was extremely lonely.

Have you read Love Languages? I haven't, but the concept sounds good. Maybe your love language is Quality Time. If you decide to stay with him, maybe you could try to really make the most of your time together. Throw money at the chores and then throw money on doing things together, whether days out with DD or paying a babysitter and going on date with him.

He does sound lovely but also it's not nice being partnered yet on your own a lot.

Best of luck xxxx

@Ammamamam it's because he is the "main character" in his life.

You do need to think, very seriously, if that is acceptable for your life?

You are married to a work-a-holic who also happens to have a very important job keeping people alive and well.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect contact during the day when all manner of emergencies are kicking off for him.

You need to either reconcile yourself to this way of life or leave. You also need to stop moaning about it and thinking you can make him do things differently if you stay. So you have to genuinely accept this if you do stay.

And I say this as someone who has been married to a work-a-holic (not a doctor) for 20 yrs who often isn't mentally in the house with the rest of us because he is spending all his time thinking about work / reading for work / dealing with work crises.

Sometimes I get to breaking point and cannot bear it, but I definitely cannot change him.

Doctors tend to be focused on their work, I find they have a superiority nature and although called caring profession I have rarely seen it, get yourself a hobby so you don't notice he hasn't called

If you work in a job where you’re on your feet busy and talking all day, you simply don’t have the headspace to be engaged or be interested in anything else. He’s human and he needs to decompress and reset for the next day. If you want him to work less and you work more then talk to him about it, that’s completely reasonable if you can afford it.

I disagree with a lot of posters. My DH is a hospital consultant and always messages me throughout the day. He is held up a lot at work and never home on time but will at least text to tell me (mostly!)

If you are ambitious and your career development is suffering because you don’t have the same amount of child free time to dedicate to your work as your husband, then you have a point. But this should have been discussed prior to having a child so that you both had more equal chances of progression. Was there any such agreement ?

His job is very intense if he’s a hospital doctor. The burden of responsibility on him is incredibly heavy. I wouldn’t be expecting much, if any, day to day support as his wife as I wouldn’t want to stress him any further. He has to prioritise his patients for the periods he’s at work. That’s what he is paid for. He has to be accountable at all times. His phone must ping all day long with emergency requests for his decisions and expertise and it’s notoriously impossible to leave on time. You will have already known this. Maybe your own job carries a similar burden of responsibility in which case you already understand why he shuts off during his work hours and finds it hard to get home on time or text you to let you know when you are likely to see him.

OP, it’s hard on you as a working mum with a three year old but it does get easier tiny bit by bit each academic year…..the mental load and the loneliness while he’s working are bound to affect you.

Only you understand the balance of benefits over hardships of living with him and if it’s really worth thinking of leaving him. I personally think you would be even more lonely if you did leave him and possibly less well off too depending on your own income of course.

But I do think it would be better to talk to him about your feelings -as well as to your friends.

If he’s a good husband and father on the occasions when he is at home, giving you the attention you need, then I’d be inclined to give the same advice as your friends and if possible, to lower your expectations of support from him during his working week, unless it’s an emergency.

Do you have any idea what doctors working in hospitals do???

This sounds quite lonely, but on the flip side he sounds like an incredible father, and hard worker, on top of his busy work schedule. And, what a strong, amazing mother too!

My father worked away for months at a time, and it was hard for all of us being away from him, but I was fortunate to never lack for anything, which so many others did. My exh also travelled away for work, but we didn’t have dc. I had come to enjoy my alone time & kept busy, but knew ahead that when we had children, the reality would be me doing most of it. This is the case for my friends whose dh are doctors, or have jobs that take them abroad, or away for extended periods.

My mother didn’t have a job, bar the ft job of looking after us, running the house etc. Many of her friend’s husbands/family members were in the same line of work, and that’s just how it was… The women built a strong social life, did the child rearing, and weren’t in employment - different times. Would you consider cutting down your hours or going PT? From others in similar situations, it seems the way to go. As for the comms, you need to talk about it together to see what’s possible.

Could you make friends with some doctor’s wives? What about this situation is within your control?

Personally, I would get additional help like a cleaner, and childcare & cut down my hours, or take a career break for a while whilst the DC are young. Perhaps minimise the amount of time you spend cooking/cleaning by prepping or batch cooking so that it feels a bit easier in the evenings.

Make sure you’ve got some holidays, dates & 1:1 time planned that you can look forward to.

Pragmatically speaking, if you split up, you’ll be in the same boat, unless you get a new partner, but I imagine the majority of the childcare would be with you still.

It is if you're performing surgery and cant whip your phone out to answer a text.

Your friends might think your life is too good to complain about but they aren't living it. They might not mind having more money but less husband presence. But you do, so their advice doesn't apply.

I suggest having a serious conversation with your husband and considering marriage counseling if that doesn't fix this. If he's not connecting with you when he could, he might be checked out of the marriage and you'd want to deal with that and probably get professional guidance on getting your marriage back on track. Good luck.

Having spent a lot of time in several hospitals over the years with DH and his life limiting illness I can assure you, you are totally clueless.

Whilst I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like op’s, I am very grateful to all the very, very dedicated medical staff who go above and beyond, miss toilet, tea and lunch breaks, and put patient care above all else whilst they are in the building.

YABU to a degree.
Go and have a fabulous holiday then when you’re home again talk to your partner about how you feel and see if he can make some changes to make you feel better.

I understand why you’re feeling put out but I do think YABU in a way. I have DC, but my career is very, very high on my list of priorities. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, work does get priority over home.

My DC have another perfectly competent parent, and when I’m home I’m fully at home. I make decent money that allows us the life we have but that comes with time compromises.

No two people are the same if you need a text or call then tell him

Presumably he was a doctor when you met him? You'd know that if he were to become consultant, it would be pretty much a 20 hour a day job?
You've been with him 8 years, had a child for 3, you it's not like much has changed, except your expectations.
What are you expecting him to get in touch about during the day? And why?
I fail to understand this contant need for communication if a person is away for over 190 mins. How would it work if their oh was a deep-sea driver.

Everyone here is reacting as they are because he literally has one of those jobs where him not being fully attentive to his job affects people’s health. Saying that I disagree that you should feel grateful for your own hardship (essentially not having any help or a person with you when you got married intending on being a team) because you can have more money. This to me is an example of more money does not equal happiness. I don’t think you should leave though, I think you need to properly talk

Hospital doctors often barely have time to grab a glass of water or go to the loo, let alone text home.

You sound needy. You married a doctor what did you expect?
His salary will bring benefits and he sounds like a good person.
There are compromises in every marriage it just whether you can live with them.
Do not kid yourself that the grass is always greener.
The schedules should get better as he becomes more senior but the life is not for everyone because the job does encroach on family time.
It takes commitment, dedication and constant focus.
You need to talk and see if you can reach accommodations .
Have a lovely break in Disneyland.

They probably are right. But, OP, if you've been living with a doctor for all this time, how could you not know that the job always comes first? He hasn't suddenly changed his career - this is what you signed up to.
This job and family life are really not compatible - hence divorces, suicides, illness etc. It was certainly part of the reason why we stayed childfree.
Enjoy your life with your child, support your partner, and you'll be glad youbdid it in a few years' time.

They’d function in the same way they did 25+ years ago before mobile phones were invented?

OP hasn’t said whether she’s married, for her sake hope she is!