Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

I'd be really pissed off if my husband expected me to be available at work to text him and vice versa.

Maybe, but most hospitals allow it, doctors need their phones on them to be able to contact colleagues and access records so a quick text to your wife would NOT be impossible, especially between seeing patients, obviously not while you are attending to a patient.
Doctors are busy like a lot of other professionals but they do get time to send the odd text…..saying that that would be impossible is nonsense and if they are not using their phones excessively it is not a risk to a patient

Your friends aren't necessarily right but I think they are good friends to warn you that the grass isn't always greener rather than just agree.

Three year olds are pretty relentless and you've been through a fairly tough period of parenting. It does start to get a bit easier. Of course it's nice to have someone around more but it's still fairly tough.

Plenty of people in non big jobs still have a long commute and have to work weekends. My husband was out 7-7 most days and he drives a fork lift so not life and death but 50 minutes each way and longish shifts.

What I'm trying to say is be realistic about what life would be like if you split.

Is there a certain period of the week you can set aside (even if it has to be on rotation to match his shifts). E.g every Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon so you can plan some family stuff but he has flexibility at other times.

Like other posters I can also see both sides. For me, it’s hard to assess whether you are being unreasonable or not without knowing a bit more info. Basically I need to know if he’s staying way beyond the expected shift end time usually or if actually he’s not actually that late, the expected hrs are long. If the latter I think you are probably being more unreadable as being focussed on work when you are at work and not calling in to home is quite normal for many, not just doctors. I have a far more flexible office job and have always been the main earner, so I work full time while DH works part time. My job is quite busy so I rarely have time to call in while I’m at work, and usually only manage a quick text to say I’m stuck finishing something and will be a bit late. At these times I think DH would rather I don’t text and just get on with the work quicker so I can leave. He uses find my phone to check if I’m still at work in terms of timing dinner etc.

having said all that it’s probably worth you conveying your feelings to your partner. Feeling like you are taking all the family burden must be horrible. While your partner may not be able to change the hrs at work understanding its impact on you better would I think help your situation as he maybe able to do more at other times to help you feel less isolated. You said your friends commented he was committed to the family 100% when not at work but do you agree? I have a few mates who have bloody useless husbands so I know where your friends are coming from but my experience being the main earning mother has made me aware that the standards for men and what they do at home are set incredibly low in our society. Many of my friends husbands who work more and earn more literally only do housework when they are told to by their wives (who also work), and one often buggers off doing things like triathlons at weekends without even checking with my friend what the kids may need. These friends get so mad having to manage them like they are boys and I feel so lucky to have a husband who cleans when things need cleaning, and takes an active role in stuff like kids school (eg books parents evenings, sorts the payments)

So basically what I’m saying is does he pull his weight at home to same extent as you when not working. If not, then that should be addressed.

I can understand how you feel, but kindly, you are making yourself suffer with unrealistic expectations here. You can’t have everything that you want in life/from a relationship and if you can accept the undesirable bits you will appreciate the good bits more. Unless there is actually more to this and he’s not as attentive or loving as you’d suggest the rest of the time. But sounds like you need to work on fulfilling yourself without depending on him, it’ll make you happier in the long run.

I’m an HCP I sometimes think on the way to my job I’ll txt so and so later or call so and so in my break. I completely forget once I get to work. I find that I get into a mind set from when I see the first my patient through to when I say good by to the last one at the end of the day I focus on them and their concerns and problems I literally don’t think about anything else. I certainly wouldnt think or remember to message my partner or anyone else for that matter unless it was urgent.
If I really do need to call/message someone during the day when I’m at work I have to write a reminder in my diary or set a reminder on my phone.

I think you need to have a conversation about this, maybe while you’re away and your child is in bed. Talk about your assumptions and how it’s making you feel that they aren’t being met. Ask about why he isn’t doing more to communicate and what would help you feel better. Find out what he really can’t compromise on and you need different expectations. Plan how you are going to work towards something that works better for the whole family.

Are you married Op? Lots of financial talk in your post but if you aren’t potentially you could carry load during hard years and then him and his pension swan off.
If you aren’t potentially staying together I’d want to ensure you are financially protected and consider paying for help at home.

She said she works.

Because he's a doctor, I think you need to expect this but she is only looking for a quick message when he's running 3 hours late etc.

I'm wondering if this is about his job or the money he earns. I was married to a high earner who prioritised his job and hobby over me and his child. He even used the majority of his annual leave to pursue his hobby. He was emotionally and physically absent from our life but put on a good show around other people.

When we split up I got an incredible amount of backlash and nd was seen as the bad guy. It seems if you have a good lifestyle you cannot justify walking away from a marriage, especially if those judging you struggle for money.

I am not a Dr.

I have a job where my phone is inaccessible until my break, if I get it. If I get a break, then there would be an up to 4.5 hour wait for a text response depending on when I was sent the text. If I didn't get a break (due to safety or safeguarding usually), it'd be my full shift. I definitely also don't have time in my work day to talk about anything non work related to anyone (potential break excepted), let alone to someone not in my workplace. Some more senior people do, I'll grant - but they manage my timetabling in 5 minutes chunks and don't allocate 'chat about shite' time for me... Some days I don't have time eat or wee. I can be contacted by the main reception in an emergency, as the receptionist will hunt me down for life or limb situations.

The idea of it being ridiculous that someone couldn't respond to a text in a timely fashion at work boggles my mind.

OP, it does sound lonely. It's worth talking to him. Explain how you're feeling without blame and ask him to consider if he could be home more to help. It may be it's completely impossible, but it may be habit and that some days he could be back faster. I have been guilty of that at times in roles where you are always leaving unfinished work. If he's a good parent and involved when he is there, I feel that overall you'd be worse off splitting, even if you did expect your friends to tell you to do so.

You are being ridiculous. Enjoy Disneyland with your husband and child tomorrow…. Princess

The position that you are in sounds unusual as most professionals do need their phones on them during the working day, including doctors,
A lot of unimportant ( non work related) texts can wait until the end of the day to be responded to but he could send a quick text to his wife if she wants to have an estimated time that he will be arriving home

I'm actually really heartned by the view here that a doctor would likely be able to use their phone to text quickly or to do it on in their break or in the time where they're not so busy.

The press had me believing that doctors are run off their feet, no time to eat or have a wee etc. It's actually very cheering to hear that that's not true!

Before any big decisions.....get married.

You will be utterly shafted if you leave him before then.

Yes that is mercenary, but frankly you need to be as mercenary about your finances and your home as he is about his career.

And if he wont then that is all you need to know......

Second that.

I'm not sure how the rules are now as my parents are semi-retired so they can leave at 4 and also do more desk work so can have their phone on them, but the rules used to be that you put your personal phone away while you're at work, and only carry the work phone.

You have patience back-to-back or deadlines, especially in the NHS now, people don't even get time to have a toilet break often, or have lunch, it's nothing like a normal office job. You don't get breaks to 'text and chill' like I know I do.

Not sure what you do but perhaps for you and me, a bad day in the office is that the company loses 500K. A bad day for him, or him getting distracted or making a mistake, means somebody dies.

If you choose to be a doctor out of interest and passion, this is your primary focus in life. Your career is your life. He'd probably still do it if it was a minimum wage job. It's just a different mentality. He probably feels like he's making a difference for people and that's his purpose on this planet, much like emergency services, secret service, scientists, high ranking lawyers...

That's never really going to change, that's his real passion and purpose. It's not a job to him that pays bills.

You're lucky that he's amazing when he's at home.

You've had long enough wth him now to know that he isn't really going to change if he was always like that. So you know that if you stay, it will be like that.

He could retire/ reduce his hours, but he probably doesn't want to. Most doctors I know work full-time in their 70s because they love it.

One way to cope would be to build more of a life without him, hobbies, passions etc - it saves you from noticing his absence quite so much.

Yes @Ammamamam how dare you feel unimportant to the man who professes to love and your DD but puts you both last to his career.

What a princess you are!

He's a Dr who works in a hospital. Why didn't you expect it to be like this?

I barely speak to my DH during the working day. We are busy working and only contact each other if one of us needs something or in an emergency. We don’t send chit chat texts.

What kind of communication are you expecting from your DH during his working day? Chit chat communication? If so, I think you’re being unreasonable.

Yes he could respond to your “when are you leaving “ texts, but are you sure he carries his phone with him at all times? Maybe he hasn’t seen your text because he’s dealing with an emergency.

I guess you knew what way it was before you had a child, what made you think it was going to be any different when you had your dd.

You married a hospital doctor. He is prioritising his patients not spending time texting home. Sorry, but that is reality. Have you not registered the problems in the NHS? There is a massive shortage of doctors and that means those that are on duty are seriously overstretched. It isn't great for family life, but before Covid and WFH neither was two working parents in professional jobs with commute times (my experience). It's stressful but you either struggle through it or become a single parent which will almost certainly be worse.

The press had me believing that doctors are run off their feet, no time to eat or have a wee etc. It's actually very cheering to hear that that's not true

It isn’t true, they are busy yes, ( just like all other professionals) but not too busy to send a quick text every once in a while

Your friends’ standards are very low, some posters’ standards are very low.

50.04% of doctors are female in the U.K. How do you think families would function if they behaved like this?

I’m with your friends in not asking you to leave. Leaving isn’t always the best option. He’s at work. His work is demanding and can be a life or death situation. It’ll be different if when at home with his family, he isn’t present in its real sense but it doesn’t siujd like so.
Speak to him exactly about how you feel.

Yes I’m sure if he was treating your relative you’d excuse him from examining them to text his wife.