Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving

But then you would do everything alone. Without the finances.

Can you use some of his wages to cover stuff that would make your life easier .. house keeper twice a week for the cleaning / laundry / whatever else might help. And so you can focus on DD and your own work.

I think I would be ok with the situation so long as he is very attentive when around and is ok with paying for as much help as you need. I think your life without him could be harder and worse for both you and DD. Marriages are almost never perfect and it’s mostly compromise.

This is a tough one. I’m a GP which I chose because I knew hospital shifts (weekends/ nights) would be a nightmare whilst being a primary carer.

however at least 50% of hospital Drs (women now outnumber men in terms of medical graduates) are female and many are mothers that simply don’t have this choice. They don’t get to stay late/ not pick up their children/ opt out when they get home. They do all the same shifts, come back and do all the mental load as well.

so he shouldn’t just opt out “because he is a hospital doctor”. It comes down to your individual circumstances, what you do, your finances jointly etc.

Are you married? If not then you only benefit from his earnings for as long as you’re together. While your earning ability is negatively affected to facilitate his.

This.

He could text when at the hospital. He chooses not to.

Having said that, I do not “chit chat” with my husband during the working day. I’ve actually been a SAHM and I understand the burden of young children and it feeling like your world when the kids are having a bad day, but I don’t think it’s necessary to have to be supported by the other partner about life issues when they are at work on a moment to moment basis.

what would have happened before mobiles? You’d talk at the end of the day. Expecting texts and support in the day is OTT imo, regardless of their job.

Agree.

There definitely are some male doctors who are so far up their own arses that they don't see or appreciate the needs of their own wives or families, or they blithely assume they are entitled to all the support and behind the scenes work that it takes on the part of someone else to keep the wheels from falling off the family bus.

Are you a hospital Dr? How can he do this? Can you imagine the AIBU?!
"AIBU to be fumming that in the middle of the ward rounds the consultant answered a call to someone about whether they wanted mash or boiled potatoes for dinner?"

You were with him a long time before you had children so did you not know it would be like this?

He should be able to take 1 minute in the space of 3 hours to send a short text, it doesn’t mean he has to spend all day texting, many people have equally busy jobs and can manage it

@Hastentoadd yes but I assumed he would be in contact more and have a more active interest in daily life

Why do you expect contact when he's at work? Or do you think he's not really working and using "I'm at the hospital" as an excuse to opt out of family life?

I think he does need to respond to your texts and give you an idea of when he thinks he will be home, having you wait 3+ hours and still no reply is inconsiderate of him, he can’t be that busy

We think of it as the medicine suitcase in our house. It’s heavy. I too have worked in hospital for years and understand the hours the doctors put in. I have seen how after 12 hour shift In theatre, they’re all day standing, they have to turn around and do On Call, when I get to go home and they don’t. The medicine suitcase makes you move house, needs long hours working and study time and recovery time. To be a practising doctor takes dedication, time, sacrifices, most of which a partner has to absorb. I wish you well, but encourage you not to underestimate the hours and dedication and risks associated with with being a hospital doctor. We have had two young children and I would’ve carried the burden of rearing them. however, I did use the money to get childcare and help when I needed it.

I think people with partners in front line professions and military too have a hard life being the spouse. It's not somrthing aibhave experienced directly with my partner but indirectly with family and friends.
Your feelings are valid, I would find it hard. But equally, I don't think your experiences are unusual from what I have heard. People in these jobs take oaths and train for many years to dedicate themselves to the service of others. The commitment they will have to their jobs will be vastly different to your average person.
Are there support groups or meet ups specifically for spouses of drs in your area. It would probably help more to get the perspective of people in your situation rather than the every day perspective. I don't think a family that doesn't have a member who does a front line job can really be qualified to give you advice.

What's your average week like?

Do you get time to yourself?

Everyone has time at some point to write a quick text, it only takes a minute

When you can't have your phone in the middle of surgery? Or ward round? I'm a teacher and can only text at lunch time, it's not that unusual to be unable to text from work.

I would genuinely be really interested in what the people on this thread who've have said 'he's a doctor, it's not possible' think about the other posters saying 'doctors do eat lunch' and 'single parents are doctors too' and 'female doctors make it work'?
Not trying to be combative, just wondering what the 'not possible' crowd think single parents do (because surely if it's not possible, it's not possible even if you are a single parent doctor and your child has an accident at school, for example?)

DH is a surgeon. He’s a consultant now. Before he became a consultant it was hectic with work plus exams etc. he was hardly home. TBH most days he is too busy to check in and i don’t hear from him. Many of them he’s operating so not with his phone anyway-plus the WiFi is shit with poor signal. It is what it is at the end of the day. At work he is focussed on his patients, which is as it should be. My career took the hit, BUT we had the conversation before DC about what things would look like during the week-and potentially weekends when on call, so we both knew where we stood. I can’t complain that i didn’t know what i signed up for at this stage. We weathered through by talking though. Sounds like you need to do that.

Sorry, but I kind of feel there are certain jobs which are so demanding that those that do them are "married to the job".....

So when you get with someone like this, their job will always comes first, if you decide to persevere, get married, have kids etc, that's on you.

I’m in a similar position OP. The money means I can buy in help like a cleaner and online food shops to make life easier. But it’s still really lonely and relentless sometimes. I never feel like a priority and often I just feel like a maid.

In the "single parents accident" situation, school would phone my schools main reception and get a message to me that way. Not via my mobile phone. Then I'd wait to sort cover work, check there was someone able to cover the rest of the day, then leave. It wouldn't be immediate.

I am not a dr but I can see how ridiculous your comment is. Of course you can't do a quick text during a hospital shift. Your brain needs to be 100 percent focussed on patient care. If you get something wrong you can literally kill someone with your negligence.
In my (highly paid office) job, I could make a blinding mistake and then rectify it and no real harm would be done.
If you are a dr and your concentration lapse means you write the wrong medecine on a form, someone could die.