Page 12 | Are my friends right?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 18/04/2025 20:55

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 17/04/2025 21:24

I don’t know what it’s like to work as a doctor in a hospital but I would bet plenty of money a mother doing the same job would manage to do more for her family.

I'm a doctor, I have kids, and I wouldn't want to be disturbed at work for non-urgent stuff (apart from the fact that there are some areas in the hospital where I work where it's impossible to get a good mobile signal).

What are you trying to contact him about?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 18/04/2025 21:25

Also, my partner is not a doctor. He has an entirely flexible job that he does from home with effectively no-one checking in on him (as long as the work is done, his "line manager" doesn't care.

I wouldn't expect to be texting him during his working hours, and even if I sent a text, would not be expecting a reply until he'd finished work, because...it's work.

I agree that it can be annoying not knowing when your husband is going to get home but in some situations it may not be possible for him to text. If he is a surgeon, and an interesting/educational operation is being performed that otherwise he would rarely be able to attend, or the operation over-runs, he is likely to want to do this to make him a better surgeon, and he simply won't be able to text you because he is in theatre. I once had the site manager come to me because a doctor (in another specialty, so no idea why they were asking me) hadn't come home. I was on the point of suggesting a search of all cupboards/toilets etc when it turned out that an emergency had come in at the end of her shift and she had been assisting in an operation for almost 2 hours past her shift finish.

He may be stuck in a dead zone in the hospital.

You are not necessarily unreasonable to expect a text for being home significantly late, but you are unreasonable to expect to be texting regularly at work.

You say that he is hands on and involved when he's at home, so it's not like someone who is using you as a maid/nanny and not being involved in family life (just a reminder to all the non-doctors here that the average working week for a dr is a little under 48 hours, so a lot longer than most other jobs, so not as straightforward as saying "we both work full time").

ApiratesaysYarrr · 18/04/2025 21:31

UrinalCake · 18/04/2025 10:02

It's interesting how many people are defaulting to terms like spouse and marriage, when OP used the term DP and hasn't mentioned being married.

I wonder if it's because people's understanding of situations where one partner is in the support role and the other takes 0% of child responsibility whilst working is that it should involve marriage, in order to be equitable. OP could just have been using partner for shorthand, but given that she refers to her friend's husbands and partners my guess is not.

However much people think the NHS doctors treating them shouldn't have to worry about domestic life when working, if said doctors also have dependent DC, that also requires someone in the background dealing with 100% of any pieces that need picking up. That person should be on board with what's happening and also getting a fair deal.

But the OP says that her partner is engaged when he is at home, it's not like he is coming home and saying "I'm exhausted from my long day at my very important job, I am too tired to put the kids to bed/make dinner/whatever"

Resident drs (the new name for junior doctors work longer hours than most people, and often have a longer commute as they have to move round for their training), so unless the OP is doing a 48 hr week, he is working more hours, and she says that he is also helping when he is at home.

Buffs · 18/04/2025 23:22

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you have a lot to be grateful for. You say the money doesn’t matter but you should try not having any. Being married to someone who doesn’t work or hates their job isn’t easy as is being with someone who does nothing around the house. Your alternative is being a single parent, less money and less help.

Askingforafriendtoday · 19/04/2025 09:12

Ammamamam · 17/04/2025 20:54

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

Have you any idea of the pressures on him during his working day, OP? I think you need to get a grip, and yes, you're friends are right. Focus on the lots of positives and the impact on your child of separating her from her dad, and the impact on him.

Mischance · 19/04/2025 09:15

My late OH was a doctor - I am afraid this is just what life is life married to a doctor.

Pussycat22 · 19/04/2025 09:19

tryingtobesogood · 17/04/2025 21:07

I disagree with the posts above, it takes a minute to let you know when to expect him. It’s not that hard.

Just a minute Mr Smith, I need to message home, whilst doing cardiac compressions !!!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/04/2025 12:17

Ammamamam · 17/04/2025 20:54

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

Tbf I suspect that your DH was late because he was finishing all his paperwork and in tray/emails so that he can spend the time on holiday with you and DD with his mind clear to focus on you both.

Goodtogossip · 22/04/2025 12:37

He's a hospital Doctor therefore when he's at work he'll no have time to ring you for a chat or to see how your day is going. He's in a very responsible job & probably is in 'work mode' while there. You say he's hands on when at home. That's good that he bothers with his family when he can & has time. Try having a chat with him asking him to let you know his shifts as & when he gets his rota then you'll have an idea when to expect him home. With a high pressure job he'll need time to switch off so try not to message or ring him while he's on shift or on his way home. Have a hour or so after he get's home for you both to sit & chat & update each other on your day to day lives & discuss plans you have as a family.