Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

We have no personal mobile policy in our work. Mine goes in locker and don't look at it until end of shift. If needed in an emergency there are several landlines which relay things to me via work number

When was he supposed to be back?

I think all too often we assume people work similar jobs to us, i.e. office and desk, with networking/ comms tasks.

A few examples of jobs where you won't have your phone for long periods:

• high security environments (no personal phones allowed)
• warehouse worker (prohibited by rules/ signal jammers in place)
• professional footballer/ other athlete/ coach (no phones rules/ long training sessions)
• pilot/ cabin crew (changing now but prior to recent times, no signal/wifi)
• barrister/ other type of public speaking for extended periods (you can't exactly text from stage!)
• film/tv (somewhat changing now but used to have phones off rules, plus no breaks for extended periods)
• etc, etc, etc

I have a desk job and tend to put my phone away during office hours as I need to focus, just no need for it. I can't think of anything on my phone that couldn't wait. Generally in life I don't like checking my phone frequently - why, to what end?

It's unlikely your GP will be texting in between appointments, too, they just don't have any time in between appointments. With medical/ action jobs you are often 'in the zone' and want to keep your mind on the job, not checking your phone.

I could have written this a few years ago. Also married to a hospital doctor. Try asking him why he’s late, mine invariably has an absolute horror story to tell and it does make you see that the workload is something else entirely, I couldn’t hack it.

It is hard though. My husband like yours if he’s at home is great, but that time is very limited. Would I choose this if I’d known? Probably not, but then I hear stories of just how awful some other men are when they aren’t working as much. At least mine is great when he’s not at work!

Also do compare the workload some other partners have, some are working equally awful hours for a lot less financially. The grass isn’t always greener.

I now accept it, I am ok being alone with the kids, it gets far easier as they get older and I’ve got good friends and family. Since accepting his job is an arse and that he can’t actually help it I’ve been a lot happier.

I know exactly how you’re feeling though, There’s a reason why the NHS refers to its staff as the NHS family, it’s certainly the only family that has any time spent on it!

I think this is to be expected when you’re in a relationship with a doctor. Sounds like he’s dedicated to his job but also to his family.

if he is staying late when its (not an emergency) he should probably let you know.

expecting check ins while someone is at work Dr or not is unreasonable.

i do thinking it is fair to have reasonable expectations around work even with a DR. do you think it will ease once he becomes more senior.

have a conversation about what he can realistically do to better communicate and to be consistent with coming home.

i bet he’s a great Dr and he’s doing the right thing concentrating at work!

Enjoy Disneyland you are able to go to at a very expensive time of year (maybe what your friends mean about all the luxuries you get). You can’t have it all your way op. He is working his ass off to provide for you. Your friends know him/ you better than anyone on here so I’d go with their view.

If there was the option for him to work less hours less money so all the things you have would need to be swapped for make do uses like cars/ house/ days out/ holidays/ clothing- I expect you’d soon send him back to work wanting the life you’ve got used to. Especially knowing what he was like before you had a dc.

How would leaving improve the situation? You’d (presumably) be the resident parent, with your ex having your DD every other weekend at most. So you’d still be doing all the work of raising her by yourself, but with a load of financial strain thrown in.

If you left him, would you be looking to date, in search of a new, more emotionally involved partner? Would you have time to date as a single mother with near 100% custody of your child?

I was in a similar situation to you for my child-raising years - I worked part time and was the primary parent while my DH worked in finance, leaving home before 5am to commute into the City and often not getting home until 10pm, which meant he went straight to bed and did it all again the next morning. The kids basically never saw him during the week as he’d be gone before they got up and got back after they’d gone to bed.

But his salary put both DC through 14 years of private school, paid for their bachelors and masters degrees (so they could start their adult lives with no debt), and meant we could give them both six figure house deposits. We’ve given them the best educational and financial start in life we could, and ensured that while they may not be rich, they’ll always be comfortable. That for me was the whole point - I don’t regret any of the years of effective single parenthood that got us here.

they just don't have any time in between appointments

Everyone has time in between some appointments to send a quick text to a spouse who is at home and would like to know their ETA,
I doubt the OP is texting him all day long and expecting him to respond.

He is being inconsiderate

The other jobs that you mentioned are irrelevant to the OPs specific situation

You say he’s fully present when at home?

He can be because he’s also fully present at work.

You are unhappy.

If you are open to working witht a therapist, the specifics about why you are unhappy, may need to be explored with a professional, before any decisions are made.

I am the child of a doctor, and sometimes it felt that everyone elses needs were constantly being put in front of mine, especially those really little moments of insecurity.

Its tough, but as you are not especially clear on what you want its hard to say if you are in a good situation or not.

Well. yes.

It's very often the case that only one parent can maintain an intense career.

I've know a few families where both parents have an intense career in law or medicine - they all used nannies to fill the gap. Which they could afford since they both had high paying jobs.

But where there are no nannies, what's the alternative to one parent being the more flexible, in charge of the home person? Some kind of rule that only people with similar kinds of careers can have kids?

OP your feelings are perfectly valid, don't let people tell you otherwise. It's not your fault your friends married dossers who can't be arsed to care for their families. Having a better salary is no excuse for your partner to opt out of parenting.

It's very hard being with someone who is barely there, I know I was the barely there one at times. I come from a long line of people who are barely at home. While I agree with others that he probably can't answer most of the day but he will occasionally have a break, it is not beyond the wit of man to at least tell you he will be home at x time unless there is an emergency. even if it is when he is walking out the door

And I am going to say I get sick to death of people saying how only certain professions are so damnned important they are pretty much the only ones who are busy, work horrendous hours etc. so get away with not helping out. Lots of professions and industries work long, horrendous hours and are away from home. Plenty of women in the NHS have to make exceptions in their lives, just because he's got a cock doesn't mean he gets out of day to day family life until can be bothered to play at being a dad anf husband, whatever his job is.

Do you think he is doing his best to avoid parenting, or preferring to hang around at work for whatever reason, until he wants to do it?

If not then you are going to have to build a life of your own and when he turns up, well he gets included, outside of that, you are already a single parent.

And I disagree with you. I work in a hospital which has diabolical WiFi and mobile cover. Also working in a hospital means you can’t just stop what you are doing and send a text.

But you KNEW this was what his job was like. Why would he suddenly have time to chat? You ‘assumed’ but what was it based on? If your friends are telling you the same as posters on here, then I guess you have to accept it.

or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

This was the part of the OP that leapt out at me. OP, could you explain what you mean by this? There's a difference between (a) working late because you have no choice if you want to keep your job, and (b) choosing to work late. Can you explain how you know there have been occasions that fell under (b)?

I accidentally clicked YANBU instead of YABU, in reading your post it’s like you feel like you have a “real” job and your friends don’t….but unless you are the main bread winner so it’s beneficial for the family if you do more hours and DH is home YABU also regardless as to which of the two of you are at work the person at work should be working and not responding to texts from their other half…DH and I would only phone/text each other if there is a serious issue

I think people need to rethink their dependence on constant communications. Only a few years ago if your spouse was at work you were unlikely to have contact until, at the earliest, the end of the shift. If there was an emergency you;d have to call the workplace.

Many people focus better on work if they don't allow themselves to get distracted by phones, even if they are allowed to have them. So they turn them off or leave them in a locker. Or they may do so because they don't want to be a bad example to younger, phone addicted, colleagues.

Seriously? You think a Doctor who works hospital shifts can't be "that busy"?

I have already responded quite a few times to similar comments, you can read those if you wish

My DD is an ODP and has said many times that she would never marry a surgeon. They walk into work and nothing else exists in their world until they walk out again. She said that that mindset makes them amazing surgeons but utterly shit partners.

What specialty is he? You’ll have to sit down and have a calm, frank conversation with him - it shouldn’t take a mammoth effort to communicate at least once in a day. On a practical level, if school/nursery couldn’t get hold of you for whatever reason, what’s the back up here?( It should of course be DH (either direct mobile or secretary/switchboard))

Your feelings are certainly valid - it's tough feeling like you're carrying the mental load/responsibility for day to day family life. I have similar, although my husband works for the MOD, rather than in a hospital. He can't have his phone on him and works long shifts. That said, he generally can leave when he's meant to. This isn't the case for a medic - if emergencies come in, or he needs to talk to families etc. that has to happen. I've got close friends that are medics, who have mostly married medics - meaning they understand the pressures they're all under. As others have said, the grass isn't always greener on the other side - if your partner is otherwise a good partner and dad, is it really worth leaving to be a single parent unless the relationship itself is over and you don't love him?

My son is desperate to be a Doctor. Every bit of research I have done has basically said he will be extremely busy, it will be very hard to maintain a work life balance. The doctors we have spoken to about it have all said the job is all consuming. My boss’s wife is a dr and he has said that on the days she works he is 100% in charge of everything and there is no way she can contact him/ their son. He is fine with that but his wife struggles with how chaotic her job is and is currently off work sick with stress. They have told me to tell my son not to become a doctor.

The reality is a hospital doctor is not going to be able to text general chit chat. They don’t have time to go for a wee or have a lunch break most of the time.
If it’s not the life for you you don’t need to stay with him. You could meet a more present partner.

If only you could see how ridiculous your comment is. Are you honestly suggesting medical staff never eat or pop to the loo? Of course they can respond to a text.