Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

Dh never used to be home until late if we were going on holiday next day.
It really irritated me, but then I realised that I booked the holidays so I used to tell him the holiday began on the day before i had actually booked it for.
Dh would get home late and we would have the next day to get sorted for our holiday instead of me doing everything and feeling resentful.

I'm in the NHS, not as a Dr but as a frontline worker. When I'm at work I rarely finish on time, and I am focused on my work. I can't just up and leave when my shift finishes and my poor husband is used.to.having dinner later because I've got stuck sorting out something.

I agree with PP.

I would try to address:

• Improving communication (shift patterns shared)
• Regular time for you to have a break
• set some date nights
• buy in help - cleaner, car valet, gardener, ironing, babysitter, window cleaner etc. You definitely shouldn't be doing it all.

I am a hospital doctor, but fortunately married to a hospital doctor - good job as otherwise I’m sure we wouldn’t put up with each other. Sorry this sounds tough in your situation. Can only say things are easier for us now kids more independent at late primary and secondary ages. Also we’ve become a bit more flexible as we’ve become more senior in our careers. Hope things get better for you

Do you honestly think doctors don’t think about anything other than patients during their day? I spent a good 10 minutes chatting to an urology consultant about park run in hospital this week between my meetings. I don’t think our non patient-related conversation killed anyone. I’ll ask him on Tuesday… or would that be too distracting a conversation?

There are medics who don't even have time for a sip of water during busy shifts, let alone calling family.

OP, it is tough, I agree, but many professions are similarly demanding - teaching can be, armed services, police. At least, from what you say, he is well paid. Spend some of that money on a cleaner, gardener, home help, healthy ready meals several times a week, so you are not left working, running the home and raising DC single handed.

Have you spoken to your DP about his long hours and how you feel? Either before agreeing to have a child or subsequently?

I can see both sides of this argument tbh. It sounds like your DP has always worked long hours and has simply continued to do so. You feel that he should spend more time with the family now he has a young child. He doesn't and presumably sees his role mainly as a breadwinner (does his salary outstrip yours or are they similar?). Your friends also subscribe to the "man just has to earn the money" point of view, so think you should be grateful for a good provider. It sounds like you would prefer time and presence over money.

Both are valid points of view, but if you are not happy and you can't come to a compromise position with your DP, what are your options? Would splitting up be better?

I don’t agree, as when your brain is preoccupied on bloods, patients, drugs, really serious decisions.. I had a childminder once phoned me in the middle of preparing adrenaline infusions..children were not ill or sick.. it’ was just not the time for disruptions… honestly unless you work in it, I’m not sure people understand..

He's a hospital doctor. You don't say what he does but it's unreasonable to expect him to call you when he is working. Surely he said roughly when his shift ends - bearing in mind he can't leave a patient half way through a procedure, or half-way through examining them. It's not like shift work in a factory.

Don’t be ridiculous, in my very demanding (highly qualified) job I get time to send quick texts without having people wait 3+ hours, he has toilet breaks during hospital shifts, he could do it then, it takes 1 minute!

what your friends think is irrelevant really. If you’re not happy talk to your husband and see if you can find a way forward (or not).

The key there it "between meetings". Without knowing what OPs DH does, we don't know what he does on his shifts. If he is a surgeon in theatre that's different to an outpatient clinic doctor etc.

It wouldn't bother me at all, and I think hospital doctors are amazing. I completely see why they would want to be hyper focused on the task.

However, I am not you. It's up to you to decide whether this is acceptable for you or not. Obviously, talk to him. But in terms of the messaging, I don't think he should feel like he has to. We all managed before phones.

When his phones locked in a locker on the other side of the building?

You've no idea.

Just echoing the above poster that I work in a hospital and phone signal is TERRIBLE and WiFi equally shit so it is genuinely difficult to send/receive messages unless I go to certain parts of the building or outside. I can do this on breaks but sometimes these just don't happen or I need to prioritise food/toilet trips or the less urgent parts of my job that wouldn't get done otherwise. I'm a mother to 2 young children but am very much second contact when at work as fortunately my DP has an office based job with 21st century technology and more normal expectations re. being able to take a casual 5 minutes to make a phonecall. I struggle to reliably leave work on time (often due to legally needing to complete notes/paperwork before days off) so DP foots the responsibility for pick ups too.

However I do hold a lot of the household "mental load" on my days off by virtue of being the person who took the maternity leave and fell into the habit of dealing with the clothes/shopping/medical appointments/birthday party invites etc. This is probably where you need to have a more frank discussion with him as he probably could take on more of this - can he spare an hour to do an online grocery shop a couple of weeks a month or take responsibility for organising birthday/Christmas gifts for his side of the family?

If he’s a surgeon he’ll run clinics on some days and operate on others. Op could get the schedule… but they have a staff room and coffee making facilities in theatres and are pretty strict about breaks.

Ha, I'm a teacher, can't remember the lat time I had a 'lunch time'. I can totally relate to not being able to get in contact for hours.

Do you work, op?
Expecting your dh to be permanently able to “be in touch” when he’s working is quite odd.

All I want a doctor treating me or my family in hospital to be focussed on is my or my families health and wellbeing. Most people want the same. Doctors simply do not have the time for simple chit chat at work and not should they. While they are working their patients are their only priority.

Doctors are allowed to have phones on them during shifts, they are just not supposed to be using them excessively, a quick 1 minute text to your wife every once in a while wouldn’t be considered excessive use

Depends where they are working.

I mean, it certainly sounds tough and I think I would struggle too if I was you. But ultimately he has a great job helping people and earning a good wage for you all. It is the price you pay being a doctor and if he is attentive when with you then that would be my main focus. I think you would regret leaving if this is the only issue. X

He’s a doctor. At a hospital. Acting as if you don’t exist when he’s working is his job. Imagine a situation where you take YOUR child in an emergency and the Dr says ‘hang on a sec, my Mrs has just messaged asking me to get some milk on the way home, let me reply to her and I’ll come back in a minute’.

A (female) friend of mine is a hospital doctor.

it’s well known that certain specialties are more family friendly than others. She has three kids and her husband works an hour and a half away and also travels internationally for work.

on occasion if kids are ill at nursery she does just have to leave and her clinics are cancelled.

it’s not great and her peers and team don’t like it but if she’s the only parent in the country she’s the only parent in the country.

op, some specialties are much more reasonable than others. A lot depends on where your husband is. But also, if he was the only parent he would just have to cancel operations, clinics etc if they were too ill for nursery.

As the wife of a hospital doctor they work really long hours and it is very busy. Some days I will get a quick reply and some days it takes ages. He always says, call if it is urgent but everything else just has to wait. Also even though they work shifts often they have to stay longer when talking to patients families or when they have a very ill patient etc. Also I remember when my husband was a registrar it was worse with night shifts much better now that he is a consultant. It is part and parcel of being married to a doctor I think you need to understand his job will be busy and stressful.