Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

The kid is NINE and still scribbling on walls and items with markers?!! That is highly unusual, IMO. If she were 3 or 4 then that's understandable but she's old enough to know better. It's really disrespectful and your DH is 100% in his rights to be very pissed off and disappointed in you for wanting to smooth it over.

I really think you have to speak to your friend about it and make it clear that it cannot happen again. Your home and DH are the priority here - not your friend and her DD.

I agree that he shouldn't be paying to replace items that were ruined, too.

Definitely give the recommended marker removal tips a go, OP.

Gosh - that is a bit strong. The point he was making was that, if it is paid from family money, then it is not the same as the other parent paying for it. It comes from funds that he has paid in! Can't you understand how that would be more than a little irritating?

This is why gentle parenting does not work.
A 9 year acting out with no consequences.

The fact you don't have any income is a totally different issue OP. This is something you need to look into changing.

Sounds like he might have a valid point. And that you might be too soft and too forgiving.

Sure go ahead and laugh, you won’t be laughing on your way to A&E.

I’d be pissed too if I was out at work all day with a wife who didn’t work and a 9 year old had vandalised my home. She’s 9 not 3 - she should absolutely know better and TBH so should you and you should be dealing with it - it happened on your watch

The best solvent to clean off permanent marker is isopropyl alcohol / rubbing alcohol. You can get it from Amazon or from some pharmacies. I would try that first. If it doesn't work, let the other mum know what has happened and give her the opportunity to offer to put it right. If that fails, tell him you've done all you can as you have no money. Longer term, recognise that he is financially abusing you, get your ducks in a row, get yourself financially independent and ditch him. He won't improve as he gets older! In fact he'll likely get worse.

Wd40 works

Your husband is correct in wanting to ask the other mom to pay. Are you reluctant to ask her because your child did some of the damage too?

He's not a dick for not wanting family money to replace it either. The kids weren't being properly supervised if multiple items were damaged. I also agree with not letting other kid come over again. You've got bullying and vandalism.

The big problem is, you have no job and it sounds like you get no spending money of your own. You are financially dependent to a very high degree on him.

Maybe it's time to look at getting a job or training for your own career. Your child is 9.

Don't use this on the walls or radiator but hairspray can remove a multitude of sins.

So she isnt his? Why arent you working then? She is 9. Not a toddler. You should be working to support your kid.

Did your daughter also draw on his things or just the friend? Nine year olds know better. Tell the mother what her kid did, have proper punishment for your kid and find a way to replace what has been ruined. Maybe get a job.

I would be well pissed off if a 9 year old ( who behaved poorly last time she was round) caused £60 worth of damage to my stuff. Then as the only earner, my SAH DP said 'it's only £60'!
Have you tried going over it with the original pen?

That is BAD, OP!

Nobody in their right mind would put up with that from a 9 year old visitor to their home.

If I were your DH I'd be raging and no way would that child enter my home again.

The girl is old enough to know better, well someone needs to pay and it should be the girls mother.
I agree with your dh I wouldn’t allow her back in the house either.

get a permanent marker & scribble 'bastard' on his face while he's asleep

Clearly he does. What he does NOT want to do is use family money to pay for items damaged by the friend. It is all well and good the OP saying she will pay, but it is money that he has earned and she is clearly not valuing the contribution in the slightest!

TBF that's probably the OPs words to describe the situation.

A 9 year old should not be scribbling on walls. I can understand ur husband being annoyed. His response to u however, is unacceptable. I would be making moves to earn my own money. Pay a proportion into family pot each and keep some for yourselves

When you iron his clothes, tell him it's £60!

If it’s a surface that a whiteboard marker would wipe off of you could try colouring over the permanent marker with the whiteboard one and then just wipe them both away. Definitely worth a go on the radiators but doubt it would be any help on the walls or clothing.

I do kind of agree that if you’re offering to pay for replacements it should be your money and not from the family pot

The 9 year old knew that behaviour was wrong. Did she do it to get your dd in trouble? Is she jealous of her?

Hiding this behaviour from her mum won't help her in the long run. It needs to be addressed.

Let the mum decide if she offers payment.

She says “family money” not “his money” so I dont think he is financially abusing her. She has access to the family money, he is supporting her and her child. If money is “family money” then it sounds like she does have spending money. But it does all come from him and he doesnt want to replace the ruined items with his own money because he wants the mother of this other child to pay, especially because he already said he didnt think this girl should come over again as she is a bully. The OP ignored him, invited her over snd his things have been ruined and now he has to use his own money to replace them. I’d be pissed off too.

Why is he a bastard? For wanting his wife to demand that things ruined by her friends child are replaced? For not allowing other people's kids to disrespect his home? For not wanting a child who behaves so poorly in his home?!

Absolute bollox.

Yeah, what a wanker paying for OP to stay home with her 9yo child.

Some responses on this thread are really strange.