Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

Where did you find this twat?

@ByZanyLion are you saying you don’t have access to any money that is just yours for discretionary spending?

That sounds a lot like financial abuse, which is a much bigger issue than the pen.

In most families, if one parent doesn’t work in order to provide childcare, they still each get their own discretionary spending money paid for out of the remaining income. It doesn’t all become your husbands money just because he’s the one working outside the home.

Okay, I'm definitely on your husband's side now. Stop inviting this little shit over just because you're friends with her mum.

It sounds like you should think about getting a job.

Whose idea was it for you to stay at home? It makes you very vulnerable, unfortunately, as you're now finding out.

If you are financially dependant on him money will almost always be a contentious issue between you both

Can you get a job?

Don’t invite the friend over again and I thought 9 year olds are a bit old for scribbling on walls

The child was there partly to entertain his daughter and develop her social skills so I don’t know why he think you solely should be paying for it and not him as-well

You’re being incredibly irresponsible.

That is not an accident. This child is too old to deliberately damage items without consequence. I would be contacting the mother and working out a way to pay for the items damaged.

@ByZanyLion - it sounds as if your husband may be a bully but, as a PP said, it’s not surprising he’s annoyed if he’s come home to find that a 9 yo, who’s previously been mean to your DD, has drawn on walls, radiators and clothes in permanent ink, and you’re saying you will use his money to replace it, because you don’t have an income. A 9 yo should not be behaving like this. This is the kind of thing a toddler would do. And your friend should be made aware this has happened.

Contact the mum. Even if she can't afford to pay for replacement or you decide not to pursue it, the 9 year old needs to be 'told off'.

It sounds like one of those situations where your DH is correct in principle but wrong in approach. You need to meet each other half way on this one - he has every right to be pissed off, but bullying you isn't the way to go about it.

Have you even told your friend about her daughter scribbling all over your house yet?

Bloody hell, I’m astonished at the number of women on this thread that think OP should not have access to money!

What an arse. Does he normally overreact?

I think the mother needs to find the money. I wouldn’t be having the child to your house again and don't think I much like the sound of her either. I'm with your dh there.

You and your DH need to find some common ground and you need to have a think about what is best for your dd moving forward.

I think I’m with your husband here. She bullies your daughter and vandalises your property. I wouldn’t like her either. You need to tell the mum to cough up and I definitely wouldn’t have her round again. What 9 year old scrawls across clothing, radiators, walls etc? Unacceptable

Goodness me, 9 years old! Badly brought up child.

I'd be bloody annoyed, although I think your DH is overreacting. But your friend needs to try to make amends.

Does your dd even want her over for a playdate?

She doesn't sound like a pleasant child.

Still with your husband on this one. Why should he pay out to replace his own items and you are not willing to speak to the child's mother.

Literally nobody has said that. It’s not that hard to understand, 9 year old has deliberately damaged items and DH wants the kids mum to pay for the damages (quite rightly), OP is saying no you can’t confront her and ask for that money, I will pay! DH is saying seen as you don’t earn that money, I don’t want the family money to be used to pay for this. Because it should obviously be the kids mum paying. Why would he want to use his own money to reimburse himself rather than speaking to the kids mum? OP doesn’t earn her own money but recons its ’only £60’ and clearly isn’t valuing DHs money. He’s being an arse, she’s being ignorant about this situation.

I don’t agree that OP has no access to money.

it sounds like your husband has a point- the "friend" says she does not like your daughter then comes around and grafitis your house

The op does have access to money...she said "he says I need to use my own money" ...sounds like they each have money for personal use and husband wants her to use hers, rather than "shared money" since the other option is to ask the friend, which op refused to do

Why are you saying you'll pay because your friend can't afford it when you can't afford it either?

Tell your friend that she needs to replace the items her daughter defaced.

And then work on getting some financial independence from your dickhead of a husband.

Sounds like the dh should share the money equally. Their his kids she's looking after whilst he goes to work

Taking your husband’s reaction out of the equation, you know he’s right about the ‘friend’, right? This other girl is NINE and she’s being unkind to your daughter in her own home and vandalising your property. Shes not a toddler. You absolutely should be raising this with her mum.
i can see why he’s pissed off tbh

Which posters have said this ?

It was across several places in the house, walls, radiators, clothes. He is on the war path because last time she was here, she told my daughter that she wasn’t her friend and my daughter burst into tears. I’ve put this down to kids being kids but he thinks she is a nasty bully, showing her true colours. He basically dislikes her.

Your DH is being a tosser about the money, but he's right about this girl.

That is appalling behaviour from a visitor.