Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

I feel a bit sorry for the girl in all this ..you know her mother is going through a tough time so has anyone considered the girl may be suffering too,and this is part of the overwhelming feelings she can't cope with? Also, why has the other girl been blamed yet your own daughter was at least party to it, if not jointly responsible?

Your husband sounds quite scary, who values material things to this extent, over having any consideration for a child who is having family problems? And uses it to bully you?

Daughter is probably too scared to admit her part in it, and can't blame her. If this is how your husband behaves regularly, it can't be a healthy atmosphere for your children or you. He sounds like a nasty bully.

You know you have to get a job OP , stay safe but make plans to give yourself choices.

This 100%. 9 is far far too old to be coloring on walls.

Flipping heck! The 'friend' is a nasty little vandal and bully.

Maybe he doesn't agree with her being a SAHP to a school-aged child. Decisions like that need to be mutual and agreed by both parties.

I agree he should share the money though, and said as much upthread.

Its his step daughter and my daughter.

Your DH is bang on about this little girl, btw. That's nasty behaviour.

There are 2 separate issues here.

1. The other girls mum should definitely pay for the damage. Well half the cost at least - I’m assuming both girls were together and potentially both drawing on stuff? The other girl sounds like trouble tbh and in your shoes, I’d stop inflicting her on your daughter and house and see your friend without her. You’re in the wrong to allow either the mum or her daughter off scot free for deliberate damage and I’d be at least as pissed off as your husband with your response
2. you need a job. Being financially dependent on someone else is foolish if it is not a mutually agreeable situation with fair access to funds, a pension paid for you and no ‘bones of contention’ as you put it

Is he your DD’s dad?

Is this entirely a one off from the other girls or a pattern of behaviour where she’s being mean and ruining/breaking stuff?

Has he made objections to her visiting before?

What has your daughter said about what happened? How does she feel about it?

How many kids do you have with your DH? How old are they?

Do you have other children? Is he really happy for you to stay home?

I'm not sure. It's a tricky situation.

Could you 'pay' in the form of giving up things that are specific expenses only to you? Walk instead of bus; coffees; monthly subscriptions; hobby/fun expenditure; anything you spend on only you that isn't a basic need, essentially. If it's you making the sacrifices, it will feel less like your mate's kid has acted like a brat and you expect nothing to happen but him replacing it himself. 9 is much too old for that behaviour and it's fair he feels it's a piss take. Personally, I think your mate should pay. Having a 'hard time' doesn't absolve you of your own fuck ups (, and by MN standards, my entire adult life has been a hard time, so I say this confidently).

Separately, do you have access to money more generally? Your situation sounds precarious. I'd be looking for a job rapidly in your position.

I can see his point, why should he pay for his stuff that's been ruined by a girl who bullies his daughter because you've decided you don't want to talk to her mum? Presumably he wasn't over the moon about having her in the house if he isn't a fan because of how he treats his child.

How he treats you in regard to money generally seems awful though- that isn't acceptable.

Or he's not a bully but hes someone who works hard and doesn't like his things being destroyed by 2 girls who are old enough to know better.

And if the other girl is so overwhelmed and distressed she is acting out in this way the responsibile thing would be to inform her mother so that she can support her, not avoid telling her.

A 9 year old knows better than to scribble on walls, radiators and clothing. Especially other peoples. He’s right not to want this girl back in his home and the mother should pay to replace the items her child damaged. She’s also been unkind to your daughter previously so understandable he wants to protect her.

Great way of protecting her, being unkind to her mum

Would you want to know if your child was being naughty and defacing someone else’s home OP? Or would you rather they didn’t tell you and paid to sort out the mess themselves?

How would you react if it was the daughter of your husband’s friend and she damaged stuff of yours?

Agreed, the issue here is the husband with a temper.. there is a lot worse that the girls could have done.

So you think he should pay to fix his own things that someone else’s brat has scribbled on? He doesn’t want this girl back in the hose because she was nasty to the OP’s daughter.

No difference surely, he married you so he took on your daughter as his or did he not

I suppose he wouldn’t be behaving in this way if it was actually his biological daughter do you think?

Oh my gosh! What a drip feed. Then to add to my earlier post I am now even more team DH.
This girl has caused issues before in your house, you invited her again, she caused this situation and now you don't want there to be any consequences again

I'm with DH. Sounds like a nasty little madam.

OP should ask her friend to pay seeing as it was her daughter who destroyed his stuff.

It's not his fault OP doesn't want to have that confrontation.

Or do you think he should pay to replace the stuff this kid destroyed while OP was supposed to be the responsible adult?

You can get his money in the divorce. Take half his pension too.

Nasty response. WTF?!