Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

It’s not HIS money, presumably you do all the cooking, cleaning, childcare? It’s modern day slavery

Why do you presume this?
We can presume he provides the money for all the food, bills etc because she does not work.
Perhaps they have cleaner and someone who does the laundry.
They are not his children but we don’t know if there is maintenance being paid.

She maybe a female cocklodger and he is having to pay for her poor decisions, with this being another - a friendship with a mother who has a child that is clearly not well behaved (upsets her DC and defaces property intentionally- NOT acceptable at 9 years old). A huge stretch to assume he is isolating based on this one event.

I agree with get a job and ask friends to pay it back. If friend is suitably contrite then perhaps they can continue to be friends and meet without the daughters - she genuinely may not be able to afford it. It doesn’t necessarily mean social isolation for the OP.

Except he is not insisting is he? He wants the friend to pay or at least that conversation to be had , which OP refused to do. Then she glibly said she’ll pay for it, when she knows she has no income of her own (where does CB go or any maintenance she might get?) . That’s when he said fine, but it has to be her own money.

You seem to be getting slated here OP & I’m here to give you sempathy. I don’t know why people have a problem with you not working - you could be a SAHM or on maternity leave for all they know. Also, you can’t supervise kids 24/7. You will be entertaining the mum & you want to create a friendly environment for them both. I can understand DH’s anger - I was angry just reading it, but the strength of the reaction is OTT. Hopefully he will calm down after a while. This is not your fault & you couldn’t have predicted it. I think you do need to broach it with the other mum & explain that you are getting it in the neck and that in future, it would be better for play dates to be at her house. Maybe she could make a token contribution, maybe half to appease DH? I’m so sorry you are going thru this - you could not have predicted this would be the outcome to a simple play date. I’ve got everything crossed for you 🤞🏽

She is not on mat leave. She is a sahm to three children who are not her husbands

To be honest, I think it's all fairly easily explained by the assumption that these two kids simply aren't friends, but the mothers are constantly thrusting them together because they are. The friend's daughter simply stated a matter of fact on this occasion and probably drew all over everything to try and ensure she wasn't invited back there becuase she doesn't want to go. I suspect the OP knows this as well.

I agree with DH that you should tell the mother, the children are 9 years old, even my 4 year old knows not to draw on walls etc!? I would be furious too if someone else’s child(or my own) drew all over my clothes, radiators & walls! The mother should be aware oh what the child is doing so she can deal with the issue head on herself! What would you think if your friend told you your daughter had done all this at her house?

Thanks for the extra context, but so what? They made the decision as a couple to live together, knowing that she had 3 kids, as does he. Is she supposed to dump them? We don’t know their ages, or their needs. Running a home & looking after kids is a full time job. If she goes to work, will he pick up the slack in the household?

I was correcting your assumptions that you were making.

at the end of the day the OP had HER friend round and her child destroyed items. It is her responsibility to replace and totally agree with her husband that she should replace them. She doesn’t have a job which is her choice so I assume as a SAHM she is receiving maintenance from her children’s father so she can use that.

If you ‘don’t work’ I assume you are a sahm? Therefore ‘family money’ is your money.

for the sake of £60 and knowing your friend is going through a tough time I’d not get her involved.

You need to ‘explain’ to your delightful other half that this is not the end of the world and to bloody grow up. Tell him you’ve had a word with your daughter and they won’t do it again BUT he does not get to dictate to you who you see, who is friends with your daughter or how you manage the home and family life.

I hope it was just an off the cuff remark / overreaction on his part because if this is normal behaviour for him I’d run in the opposite direction as quickly as you can!

Running a home & looking after kids is a full time job

Why are you assuming she is doing all this?
She may well be but she has not said that anywhere in her posts.

Many many posters are showing their bias and lack of comprehension.
She may be a female cocklodger or down trodden financially abused SAHM or anything in between.
He could be a brilliant husband financially supporting her, his step children and paying for a cleaner, outsourcing laundry etc or a financially abusive controlling man or anything in between.
We don’t know!

What we do know is that
-OP’s children are not his
-OP does not work
-DH thinks the other child has been nasty to his step daughter (OP’s daughter)
-he is upset that the same girl has defaced property intentionally
-he wants OP to let the mother know and recoup some costs
-OP refuses
-OP says she will pay for it
-OP has no income (even though it is “only £60”)
-so it will have to come from the family money, which will be partly comprised of DH’s share.

We don't know why OP doesn't have a job

It's not clear how she is providing for her children

Earning money to provide for the family is also a job

Running a household/ looking after kids is only a 'full time job' if someone else is paying for housing and feeding said children!!

Well summarised and well said,

The mental gymnastics people are pulling to insist this man is abusive, aggressive etc when this all came about because OP disregarded his advice on having that kid over and now is ignoring him again when he is asking her to ask the kids mum to reimburse them.

If she doesn’t work and apparently has no other income I’m sure she has access to the household money for other things or she wouldn’t be able to look after her three kids . He is making a point in saying she can’t dip into the joint money in this specific instance because (understandably)he doesn’t want to help pay for the damage.

If this had been a man with his 3 kids and a stepmom who was out working to financially support then some of these answers would’ve been completely different.

Also the fact that money is a “contentious issue” with his ex is a cause for concern IMO.

OP hasn’t explained properly how many kids he is responsible for or their ages but it may suggest that he is not paying enough for his actual kids, yet has taken her three on while she doesn't work which is outrageous on both their parts. His priority should’ve been to his existing kids.

Of course we don’t know since Op has been carefully drip feeding but I wouldn’t be surprised IF this was the situation in which case they’d both be out of order anyway.

Running a home & looking after kids is a full time job.

Yet many, many people manage to do it and have full time paid employment. The effort involved in "running a home" is usually greatly exaggerated on MN.

Regardless though it would still be his money also as family money and fair he has input. Not saying both parties should ask before they ever spend anything, but £60 on what is essentially something that just reverts something back to a state it was at a few days ago without adding anything of value should be discussed.

I don’t understand why people don’t rtft. Op has said she is a sahm to. Her children are not her husbands children.

The OP said

"Money has become a very contentious issues
in our marriage."

Where do you get that money is a contentious issue with his ex from?

Did you read all the OP’s updates?

She said in response to someone asking why doesn’t she work if money is a contentious issue

“The friction is between his ex and him, and this has spilled into our relationship.”

My advice would be to tell the girls mother, she is the 1 that should pay for any repairs, not you or your husband. I would also be very reluctant to have this girl back into my house, she is 9 so should know better.

I would also consider getting a PT job, you should be (as should any woman), be finacially independent from your husband with seperate bank accounts. I never understand in this day and age why women arent, for your financal safety.

Clearly missed that one, that's why I asked the question.

Which didn't answer the question about why she doesn't work.

I sincerely hope the OP remains silent on that front, leaving you lot here to mither, snipe, demand and repeat yourselves until you eventually get bored and abandon the thread, unanswered.
It's none of your business.

I didn’t make any assumptions - I posited various explanations. You are the one making assumptions.

Your entire comes across as harsh, unreasonable & riddled with nonsense

I wouldn’t waste my time with anyone like that irl, so I won’t be wasting any more time engaging with you. I advise you to get a hobby, or a life