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Original poster

Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

750 replies

ByZanyLion · 17/04/2025 17:12

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 18/04/2025 21:27

@ByZanyLion - you have stated that there are 6 children altogether...... but your husband is not supporting all of them.? Can you clarify whose children they are and who is funding their care. And why are you not working, and why do you expect him to pay for the damage? Who is the child who drew on the wall - is she (or her mother) related to any of you?

As it is it is all rather confusing...

MannyTeddy · 18/04/2025 21:33

Try whiteboard pen, it gets rid of permanent markers 🥰🥰

BeCleverViewer · 18/04/2025 21:46

sunshinemode · 18/04/2025 18:16

This is easily fixed. You take payment for half what the cost of childcare and anything else you do as a SAHM and then you will have money of your own going forward!

Not his kids and assuming he pays for EVERYTHING. He would only need to pay for a cleaner that's the thing she may or may not be doing for him.

BeCleverViewer · 18/04/2025 21:50

Hyperbowl · 18/04/2025 20:16

That’s not what he is saying at all. You appear to have spectacularly missed the point he’s trying to make here. The point he’s trying to make is that he doesn’t think it should come out of money he’s earned and that she should finance it independently of his earnings when in fact she doesn’t need to. The fact they are married means that he can’t create that stipulation because the marriage contract means that money is jointly owned and thus half his income belongs to her. It’s a snide dig at the OP because she’s financially dependent on him and he knows it but legally it’s still half hers regardless. Time and time again on here we see women talk about how they’re married but the house/money/assets are “his” because he’s the one on the mortgage or he’s the breadwinner and they’re unemployed/ housewife status when in reality usually unless you have a particularly short marriage that’s simply not likely to be the case at all.

For the sake of the argument, if she started divorce proceedings she could petition for 50% of his assets as a starting point and repay the £60 out of the money she is awarded from the financial settlement. Ergo, pointless statement from him. The real issue from his statement seems to be that he doesn’t understand or more aptly doesn’t want to recognise that the money he earns is equally her money. This should be a walking red flag to the OP and goes much further than £60.

The correct and most sensible approach to this as I originally stated is that damages should be sought from the parent of the child. I hope this helps give you a better understanding of my original comment.

Show quote history

No she couldn't she would get nothing. Second marriage no shared kids and no contributions . You are giving really really bad advice.

Meltdown247 · 18/04/2025 22:09

This drip feed is ridiculous. Your DH sounds like a better judge of character than you for not watching what was going on when you knew there was history?

FedupofArsenalgame · 18/04/2025 22:21

Lascivious · 18/04/2025 20:35

Your husband sounds really horrible here. I can’t imagine mine being anything but mildly peeved.

If it was my stuff damaged by some badly behaved brat that's old enough to know better Id be pissed off also. But then I wouldn't have any issues with tmletting her parents know

FedupofArsenalgame · 18/04/2025 22:25

knor · 18/04/2025 20:55

I disagree with a lot of these posters OP. While not ideal, £60 feels like not a lot to quibble about with the mother. Your DH sounds like he’s overreacting and to ask you to pay when you don’t earn anything (ie impossible) just feels really mean.

i think it’s fine to speak to daughter about it and mention it to the other mother (with no expectations of her to pay) as yes they are a bit old to be scribbling on things.

£60 could be a weeks worth of food. Definitely not so little as to " not quibble" about

EmotionalSupportPenguin · 18/04/2025 22:30

Hi OP, you said its his step daughter and your daughter. Who is he angry with? I'm confused. Doesn't he see his step daughter as his own daughter as they were married for a while?

knor · 18/04/2025 22:31

Hmm very true. I guess I thought from the post it suggested that £60 wasn’t a lot of money to OP and husband but I could be wrong.
i thought it because she said “it’s only 60 to replace” ie the “only”

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 18/04/2025 22:35

EmotionalSupportPenguin · 18/04/2025 22:30

Hi OP, you said its his step daughter and your daughter. Who is he angry with? I'm confused. Doesn't he see his step daughter as his own daughter as they were married for a while?

What point are you making? One of the children is the OP's daughter who had a friend over. The friend , is as far as we know, the one who vandalised the walls, radiator and clothes.

The OP's husband already didn't like the friend because the friend had previously bullied the OP's daughter and reduced her to tears. Husband is angry with the friend and with the OP.

EmotionalSupportPenguin · 18/04/2025 22:38

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 18/04/2025 22:35

What point are you making? One of the children is the OP's daughter who had a friend over. The friend , is as far as we know, the one who vandalised the walls, radiator and clothes.

The OP's husband already didn't like the friend because the friend had previously bullied the OP's daughter and reduced her to tears. Husband is angry with the friend and with the OP.

Show quote history

But op said it was his step daughter and her daughter 🤔 let me read ops message again

BeCleverViewer · 18/04/2025 22:38

You know half this thread is people ex0laning the thread the other half are people reacting then back reading then retracting. I really love mumsnet this is like my whatsapp group with the girlie's.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 18/04/2025 22:50

EmotionalSupportPenguin · 18/04/2025 22:38

But op said it was his step daughter and her daughter 🤔 let me read ops message again

Show quote history

Yes. There were 2 girls there. Girl 1 was the OP's daughter who is also the OP's husband's step daughter because he's married to Girl 1's mother. Girl 2 is the friend of Girl 1.

Husband doesn't like Girl 2 because she previously bullied Girl 1 and made her cry. OP seemed unconcerned about the bullying.

changeme4this · 18/04/2025 22:57

supervision of both girls should have better. Daughter also should have spoken up immediately what friend was doing too.

the friend’s mother should see the videos and make arrangement to have the items professionally cleaned or replaced as required.

i would want to know what my OH was doing while the girls had time to go scribbling through the house.

Lyraloo · 18/04/2025 23:38

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 18/04/2025 20:32

Explain how exactly is he financially abusing her?

Show quote history

She has no income if her own and yet he’s bullying her into paying him for his items. He clearly controls the purse strings. They are a married couple with children, from the little we know, he is ok with his wife being a sahm. If you can’t see that he’s being financially controlling by insisting she pays for something out of nonexistent money, you are part of the problem!

Comtesse · 18/04/2025 23:47

So his daughter scribbled on stuff but you are supposed to pay for it even though you don’t have access to your own money? I don’t get it - why should you pay for her doing something stupid??

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 18/04/2025 23:51

Lyraloo · 18/04/2025 23:38

She has no income if her own and yet he’s bullying her into paying him for his items. He clearly controls the purse strings. They are a married couple with children, from the little we know, he is ok with his wife being a sahm. If you can’t see that he’s being financially controlling by insisting she pays for something out of nonexistent money, you are part of the problem!

Show quote history

They don't have any joint children. Husband wanted friends mum to pay, op said she'd pay instead of friend so that's what he wants to happen. However since op isn't working and apparently isn't contributing to her or her children's costs at all, what op actually meant was he should just suck it up and accept having to pay for the replacement and damages himself, since he appears to be the sole provider for everyone.

SALaw · 18/04/2025 23:56

Comtesse · 18/04/2025 23:47

So his daughter scribbled on stuff but you are supposed to pay for it even though you don’t have access to your own money? I don’t get it - why should you pay for her doing something stupid??

You need to go back and read again. It’s very clear what happened and it’s not this.

Lyraloo · 19/04/2025 00:00

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 18/04/2025 23:51

They don't have any joint children. Husband wanted friends mum to pay, op said she'd pay instead of friend so that's what he wants to happen. However since op isn't working and apparently isn't contributing to her or her children's costs at all, what op actually meant was he should just suck it up and accept having to pay for the replacement and damages himself, since he appears to be the sole provider for everyone.

Show quote history

You make that sound like a crime and that she’s somehow lazy or taking advantage of him! It’s clearly what they agreed when they got together. Would you want to go and hassle a friend that you know hasn’t the money to pay? Kids will be kids at any age, and yes it’s wrong but you don’t carry on like this over it. Most people accept that things happen sometimes, they don’t make such a big deal out of it!

Isamummy2021 · 19/04/2025 00:01

ByZanyLion · 17/04/2025 17:12

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

They are children sorry but what an A hole your husband is. Kids do kid things it's pen! He also knows you have no solo income I think he sounds totally unreasonable. My child has made marker pen drawings I am not happy about it usually comes off with hairspray she's stopped it now but you know when you have kids you can't or rather shouldn't have a perfect home because then it's not a family home. These things happen me personally I really wouldn't be taking issue especially with your friend I would maybe just mention it so she has a word with her but your husband banning her from the house he really does sound like a dxxk and complete overreaction. I would tell him it's your child's friend and she's welcome and her mum what's he got against them .. weird tell him like it or lump it your home too and your child's.

BeCleverViewer · 19/04/2025 00:01

She is taking advantage of him and is disrespectful. There is no way I'd support my friend being taken advantage of like this.

BeCleverViewer · 19/04/2025 00:02

Also the child defaced large parts of the home. This is not marking a few things.

BeCleverViewer · 19/04/2025 00:04

And again if they seprate she has no money no assets and 3 kids. He is not their father. I really wouldn't be this rude in someone's house.

Isamummy2021 · 19/04/2025 00:06

I wanted to add he sounds controlling he says he doesn't want your friend around either good way for him to isolate you and he knows your a sahm.. is there no way for you to get some part time work gain a bit of independence from him ? You would feel happier having your own income just a thought. But something with the overreacting and his other comments scream control freak

BeCleverViewer · 19/04/2025 00:08

I can just imagine the op taking the advice of the poster above going back to her dh and spouting this stuff back and losing everything. Look find the money pay and ditch the friend.