Husband on the war path again. Wants me to pay but I have no money

[ByZanyLion]

A close friends daughter was visiting my house for a play date with my daughter. The two girls are in the same class and a very good friends.

During the play date the girl scribbled on the wall and a few other places with a permanent marker. I only found out about this after she had gone home. The girls are both 9 and this has never happened before. DH has lost his ; he wants to confront the mother. I told him that I’ll deal with it but he isn’t happy. He doesn’t want her in our house again, nor her mother.

She scribbled on two things of his, which is what he is mostly angry about. I told him, I’ll replace the items, because my friend won’t have the money, as she is going through a fair tough situation herself, and I don’t want to add to her burden. DH isn’t sympathetic to her plight. He has basically said that either she needs to pay or I need to pay using my own money, and not our family money. However, I don’t work and don’t have another source of income.

I am slightly taken aback by his insistence I need to use my own money. FYI Its only £60 to replace the items.

They have it on CCTV

For her own kids? Not his kids

Just on a larger note - if money is becoming contentious issue in your marriage I would try and get a job / even if it’s one that earns a few hundred a month and can help towards food bills or clubs / hobbies.

Try hairspray.

"Husband's response sounds OTT to me but I tend not to get emotionally attached to possessions, I save that for my lovely female friends"

Oh how I laughed. Congratulations on the most platitudinous, vacuous, virtue signalling and inane post I've seen in a long time.

If nothing else if my 9 year old child had maliciously scrawled over walls, radiators and clothes (and at that age, this can only be malicious) I'd want to know. The OP is refusing to even mention it.

That’s not what he is saying at all. You appear to have spectacularly missed the point he’s trying to make here. The point he’s trying to make is that he doesn’t think it should come out of money he’s earned and that she should finance it independently of his earnings when in fact she doesn’t need to. The fact they are married means that he can’t create that stipulation because the marriage contract means that money is jointly owned and thus half his income belongs to her. It’s a snide dig at the OP because she’s financially dependent on him and he knows it but legally it’s still half hers regardless. Time and time again on here we see women talk about how they’re married but the house/money/assets are “his” because he’s the one on the mortgage or he’s the breadwinner and they’re unemployed/ housewife status when in reality usually unless you have a particularly short marriage that’s simply not likely to be the case at all.

For the sake of the argument, if she started divorce proceedings she could petition for 50% of his assets as a starting point and repay the £60 out of the money she is awarded from the financial settlement. Ergo, pointless statement from him. The real issue from his statement seems to be that he doesn’t understand or more aptly doesn’t want to recognise that the money he earns is equally her money. This should be a walking red flag to the OP and goes much further than £60.

The correct and most sensible approach to this as I originally stated is that damages should be sought from the parent of the child. I hope this helps give you a better understanding of my original comment.

I interpret it the same as the previous poster.

I think the issue here is how controlling and abusive your husband is to you. Knowing you don't have any money yourself. First I would make sure you start secretly building a pot of money for yourself and children.
Second I would not expect the child's mother to pay. Yes she probably is old enough to know better but is still a child. When it's happened to me, I've had a word with both children and got them helping to clean it up.

Explain how exactly is he financially abusing her?

Your husband sounds really horrible here. I can’t imagine mine being anything but mildly peeved.

Not sure what we’ve heard from the op to imply he’s abusive and controlling. So she should start stealing money from him. If she wants to leave him getting a job is a good starting point (unless some reason why she genuinely can’t work)

I agree you should let the other mum know , even just to make her aware so she can talk to her kid, I wouldn’t really expect the money to be honest

Sidenote your husband sounds really mean and petty . As annoying as that is it’s not your fault and shouldn’t be making demands of you!

If you're married the concept of 'his money' doesnt exisit. The divorce courts will put him right about that if there's any doubt.

The fact they are married means that he can’t create that stipulation because the marriage contract means that money is jointly owned and thus half his income belongs to her.

That is not correct.

That's not correct either.

I agree with him tbh. 9 is way too old for this and her mother should pay for them. If you don't work then he is essentially still paying to replace them and really shouldn't have to. I'd go mental at a 9 year old doing that. It's the sort of thing that you stop tolerating at around 3 years old.

which part of not wanting spend £60 replacing things that some elses child has ruined makes him sound awful?

worth bearing in mind he also financially supports OP and at least one of her children too

I disagree with a lot of these posters OP. While not ideal, £60 feels like not a lot to quibble about with the mother. Your DH sounds like he’s overreacting and to ask you to pay when you don’t earn anything (ie impossible) just feels really mean.

i think it’s fine to speak to daughter about it and mention it to the other mother (with no expectations of her to pay) as yes they are a bit old to be scribbling on things.

Because kids damage stuff. Because the OP has no money. Because he sounds like a mean git.

Why is he a mean git?

9 years old drawing on things isn’t accidental. Why should he pay for that? If the OP has no money then she needs to think about how she is doing things!

No, because she started the idea of their finances being distinct by saying she would pay for it rather than him.
That's the point you have spectacularly missed.

Lucky he never mentioned "his money" then.

So what you're saying is she should start taking money out of the joint account that he puts it into and she has full access to, and putting it secretly into an account in her name alone?

And to be clear all these posters going on about the marriage contract meaning all his earnings are automatically owned jointly are wrong.

They are indeed. I happen to think that that is a good way of conducting finances in a marriage, but it certainly isn't the legal position.