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Original poster

For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

409 replies

madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:01

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

OP posts:
Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:02

Edit

olympicsrock · 17/04/2025 09:03

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:02

Edit

Edited

No she didn’t. Read the OP .
the boyfriend cycled over in the middle of the night.

Seeline · 17/04/2025 09:03

I would have driven the boy home there and then and rung the doorbell until one of his parents came and had a chat.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 17/04/2025 09:03

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:02

Edit

Edited

If you read the whole OP, the bf cycled 3 miles in the night to sneak in. Thats a whole other level!

saveforthat · 17/04/2025 09:03

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:02

Edit

Edited

Did you read the op? No she didn't.

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:04

I would have rung his parents to collect

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:04

Oh good grief op I’m sorry

ArmySurplusHamster · 17/04/2025 09:05

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:04

I would have rung his parents to collect

Edited

Can you read?

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:05

So sorry I misread

so no shopping today obviously
id have rung his parents. Did you send him back out on his bike at 1am?

Merrygoround8 · 17/04/2025 09:05

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:04

I would have rung his parents to collect

Edited

People are not reading the OP!

It wasn’t a sleepover. He cycled round and snuck in, in the middle of the night!!!

Rabbitoney · 17/04/2025 09:05

YABU for using a click bait title for your post.

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:05

ArmySurplusHamster · 17/04/2025 09:05

Can you read?

Show quote history

I’ve been stupid . Sorry

mumonthehill · 17/04/2025 09:08

I get your angry, I would be too but now is the time for calm conversations not a blow up at her. Tell her why you are not happy, make sure she gets consent and talk birth control. Put in any boundaries that you see fit but if they are having sex then she needs to be safe. The creeping in at night is an absolute no and needs to be addressed but calmly. I'm would not punish her but be clear as to why you are upset.

usernamedifferent · 17/04/2025 09:09

What did you do at the time ? Send him home? Let him stay ?

Absolutely his parents need to know.

PopThatBench · 17/04/2025 09:09

Oh my god.
The ending had my jaw dropping.
He crept in… from outside in the middle of the night?!

There’d be grounding, her phone would be gone, sleepovers would be banned with anyone (not allowed to anybody else’s house to stay the night and vice versa).

She’s let somebody into the house in the middle of the night, and had him in her bed?!

Good luck OP 🙏🏻

Iwiicit · 17/04/2025 09:10

Christ I would have hit the roof too. That is absolutely appalling.
I would have chucked him and his bike in the car and taken him home and woken his parents up to let them know.
Serious, serious talk with daughter and suitable punishment for such deception.

Walkden · 17/04/2025 09:10

"How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I?"

So did you leave your front door unlocked? Did your daughter let him in? Did ye climb in through her window?

Have you checked her phone - did they plan this in advance?

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 17/04/2025 09:10

I would make sure she had some contraception and would give a consequence for seeking him in. You should contact his parents too.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 17/04/2025 09:10

Sorry OP your thread got derailed by the first answer!

My advice would be calm and adult chat with DD. I’m sure you were anything other than calm at 1am, who would be when finding an unexpected boy in their 14yo DD’s bed! But now you need calm conversation with your DD. It may take a lot of different chats to explore everything.

there’s - the safety aspect of 14yos being out and about in the middle of the night. Unsafe for her bf and terrifying for his parents if they realised he’d disappeared. Unsafe for your household security. What if your DH had thought he was a burglar and tackled him?

Then there’s the trust element - this is very extreme behaviour on her part.

is this consensual or is he forcing something? Does he have nude photos of her?

then there is sexual safety - is she sexually active, are they using protection and contraception? Is she prepared to slow things down if they have already had sex and go back to a less full on relationship.

she absolutely has to have consequences but I’d make them about the lying and the sneaking and the middle of the night nonsens rather than the sex. Don’t make her feel ashamed for that. She’ll only end up doing more sneaking around and won’t come to you in the future if there is a problem.

ZippyPeer · 17/04/2025 09:10

The number of people misreading the OP is extremely unreasonable.

to limit the 'forbidden love ' teenage drama, might be worth leaning into the 'my job is to protect you until you are legally old enough to make your own choices -what consequences do you DD think there should be'. It's a breaking of rules, trust and risking something illegal happening so it's got to be serious.

Depends on your parenting style though

notawittyname1954 · 17/04/2025 09:11

What did you do after you found him? Was he still in your house or did he go home. His parents do need to know.

Mumdiva99 · 17/04/2025 09:11

Yes contact his parents. If my boys did that i would be mad and they would be grounded. If I woke up to a child in my daughters room I would equally be mad. I would be threatening internal cctv as you can't trust her....
Do you need the shopping items? If so - go shopping, because otherwise it's more inconvenient for you. And have the contraception chat again. Tell her she can't silence the discussion - what was he going to do in her bed at night? - she actually might not have wanted that.....who would really plan to do it with their parents in the house? Sneaking him in is very immature behaviour. Good luck.

OhHellolittleone · 17/04/2025 09:12

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 09:02

Edit

Edited

Did you read the post? She didn’t.

Sadgirl101 · 17/04/2025 09:15

Yanbu to have reacted out of shock, but now is not the time for removing social media and big demonstrative punishments. Agree with PP that I would take the tact of opening a conversation with her about why/how she has broken your trust and what the consequences of that need to be. I specifically wouldn't stop her seeing him, or remove access to social media. While logically you think that will stop the issue, teenagers are incredibly resourceful and all you will do is is feed the "Romeo and Juliet" story and drive their rendezvous' further underground and reduce the likelihood of her coming to you with issues in the future

ETA I would absolutely tell his parents in a very neutral/unemotive way, from a safeguarding perspective it's important that they are aware, less about where he went but more that he is sneaking out and unaccounted for

Screamingabdabz · 17/04/2025 09:15

You reacted like any concerned parent would and I’m sure you freaked them both out enough for them to get the message. But I wouldn’t go for arbitrary sanctions, I’d use this as an opportunity to talk to your dd about consent and consequences.

If it were me, I’d go full nuclear and scare her a bit about the realities of pregnancy and ruined lives etc. And say that as she can’t be trusted, the bf is limited as to when he comes over. Say you’ll drive him home if needs be. Depending on the dynamics, you might want to mention to his parents too if you can be sure they’ll give him the same rocket!