Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

409 replies

madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:01

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

OP posts:
TheAmusedQuail · 17/04/2025 09:16

Absolutely contact his parents. Hopefully they'll be as horrified as you are.

(edited because I didn't notice how old the bf was in the OP).

ButterCrackers · 17/04/2025 09:16

No sleep overs, hpv vaccines done? Safe sex discussion, setting boundaries talk. Inform the boy’s parents so that they can have a similar discussion.

LadyDanburysHat · 17/04/2025 09:16

I agree with those saying a calm conversation is needed on this. However that doesn't mean no punishment. I absolutely would punish for this. It is an appalling breach of your trust from her and I would definitely be grounding her for some time. And perhaps taking phone away for the Easter holidays.

I would also be speaking to his parents.

TheAmusedQuail · 17/04/2025 09:18

LadyDanburysHat · 17/04/2025 09:16

I agree with those saying a calm conversation is needed on this. However that doesn't mean no punishment. I absolutely would punish for this. It is an appalling breach of your trust from her and I would definitely be grounding her for some time. And perhaps taking phone away for the Easter holidays.

I would also be speaking to his parents.

All of this, yes.

Seagreensmokeyblue · 17/04/2025 09:20

I would be absolutely concerned that he is pressuring her into have sex.
Definitely his parents need to be told about this boys totally unacceptable behaviour.

sewsewsewyourboats · 17/04/2025 09:21

Yes there would be a consequence. I’d probably ground her/no phone or devices for a few days. Plus a serious talk about behaviour. I would also let his parents know.

it might not be the first time either.

JHound · 17/04/2025 09:22

Wow?

I would never have dreamed of sneaking a boy into my parents home - especially not at 14. But if you say you were doing similar (even at 16) them you have maybe unwittingly eatablished a behaviour in your teen that this kind of thing is to be expected.

You have had great advice from other PPs. Nothing to add except to reinforce the others saying to speak to his parents too.

BoredZelda · 17/04/2025 09:23

Not sure why I assumed sleepover, even though I read the post. I think the use of the words “crept in” seemed to imply he was in the house already in my head. Not sure why, maybe because the thought of a boy coming over to sneak in to her house at 1am seems so strange.

@madonninamia This is a delicate situation and jumping straight to grounding and unrelated consequences misses a few steps.

If it was my 14 year old, I’d be sitting down and having a discussion about their relationship. Teenage boys pressure girls in to having sex. First you need to know is he doing this. Was it her idea to get him round or was it his? Has he been threatening to end their relationship if she doesn’t have sex with him? Why does she think she is ready to have sex, has she done it before? Is she being safe etc etc. Talk to her about healthy relationships for young people.

The level of consequence being given to her should be linked to the situation. If she’s being co-erced that’s an abusive relationship and punishing her for that is not good. If you go off on one at her and she is struggling with him, you’ll lose a lot of trust, you need to let her know you are on her side.

Definitely contact his parents and let them know what he did, and next time you will get the police involved.

rainbowstardrops · 17/04/2025 09:25

I’d have hit the roof too! I’d be absolutely furious with the pair of them and they’d bloody know it.
What did you do after you’d found him?

Pricelessadvice · 17/04/2025 09:26

What did you do? Did you contact his parents?

KimberleyClark · 17/04/2025 09:28

Seagreensmokeyblue · 17/04/2025 09:20

I would be absolutely concerned that he is pressuring her into have sex.
Definitely his parents need to be told about this boys totally unacceptable behaviour.

I would too. He doesn’t sound like a nice respectful boy tbh

Poppyseeds79 · 17/04/2025 09:32

I'd still go shopping today, use the opportunity to have a frank conversation. One where she isn't just telling you what she thinks you want to hear.

Discuss contraception as a teenager pregnancy is not what anyone wants. Definitely speak to his parents too...

Original poster
madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:34

I wasn’t expecting so many replies so quickly! Luckily I missed out on @Morningstarter ‘s reply as it sounds like it would’ve upset me even more.
To those who have given me constructive advice thank you. I’m at a loss as to what kind of punishment to give. I know that a lot of her friends are doing similar things and her best friend is sleeping with her boyfriend and apparently her mum is ok about it. I was shocked when I found that out but now I wonder if there might be peer pressure more from her friends than from the boyfriend. The boyfriend really does seem like a sweet kid but then I’m clearly not great at judging character.
I’m going to have to go through her social media and do some serious digging to understand what is inside her head because I honestly feel like she is a total stranger to me. I swear up until a year and a half ago she was the sweetest loveliest dd, we were so close 😢. But she definitely has become far more secretive and deceitful recently.

OP posts:
OneAlertNavyAnt · 17/04/2025 09:34

It depends whether they planned it or whether he just turned up and threw little stones at her window and then she let him in because she didn’t know what else to do. The conversation needs to be quite different in each scenario. But calm and connected with her is the way to go, don’t do anything that will drive a wedge between you and her, or you risk her making future bad decisions partly out of anger towards you.

I would absolutely give him a bollocking though, separately to her, and tell his parents.

Bobnobob · 17/04/2025 09:35

Take away all of her devices. Ask her to write out exactly what happened.. how they planned it, how he got in etc. Phone the boyfriend’s parents and make a plan with them. You’ll need them on board if you want to ensure this doesn’t happen again.

Fioratourer · 17/04/2025 09:36

I would be contacting his parents. I probably would ban contact with him for a few days too. I wouldn’t want to ban him all together as I would rather she is safe at my house than at his. Even though I would want to ban him forever! My worry at this age would be she is being pressured for sex, but as she had bought new pjs possibly not. 14 year olds do have sex I would be booking a gp appointment for contraception. I don’t think you had overreacted. She should have been honest!

Bobnobob · 17/04/2025 09:36

OneAlertNavyAnt · 17/04/2025 09:34

It depends whether they planned it or whether he just turned up and threw little stones at her window and then she let him in because she didn’t know what else to do. The conversation needs to be quite different in each scenario. But calm and connected with her is the way to go, don’t do anything that will drive a wedge between you and her, or you risk her making future bad decisions partly out of anger towards you.

I would absolutely give him a bollocking though, separately to her, and tell his parents.

I think the secret tiny pyjamas might give away that this was pre-planned

PinkyFlamingo · 17/04/2025 09:38

Bobnobob · 17/04/2025 09:36

I think the secret tiny pyjamas might give away that this was pre-planned

Show quote history

Exactly. Of course this was planned.

PinkyFlamingo · 17/04/2025 09:39

KimberleyClark · 17/04/2025 09:28

I would too. He doesn’t sound like a nice respectful boy tbh

Show quote history

They are both 14. She obviously went and bought the PJ's for this, so why assume it's all the boys fault?

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 17/04/2025 09:41

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 17/04/2025 09:10

Sorry OP your thread got derailed by the first answer!

My advice would be calm and adult chat with DD. I’m sure you were anything other than calm at 1am, who would be when finding an unexpected boy in their 14yo DD’s bed! But now you need calm conversation with your DD. It may take a lot of different chats to explore everything.

there’s - the safety aspect of 14yos being out and about in the middle of the night. Unsafe for her bf and terrifying for his parents if they realised he’d disappeared. Unsafe for your household security. What if your DH had thought he was a burglar and tackled him?

Then there’s the trust element - this is very extreme behaviour on her part.

is this consensual or is he forcing something? Does he have nude photos of her?

then there is sexual safety - is she sexually active, are they using protection and contraception? Is she prepared to slow things down if they have already had sex and go back to a less full on relationship.

she absolutely has to have consequences but I’d make them about the lying and the sneaking and the middle of the night nonsens rather than the sex. Don’t make her feel ashamed for that. She’ll only end up doing more sneaking around and won’t come to you in the future if there is a problem.

OP, exactly this. Are you sure it's consensual? I wouldn't go in guns blazing with her (regardless) but she may have felt under pressure, especially if he showed up in the middle of the night.

Getting quite creepy vibes of the boyfriend actually.

Hwi · 17/04/2025 09:41

I would have called the police and said 'there is a stranger in my house' - the boy needs to be frightened the hell out of, but not by you, by the police, for example. He won't be taking any 'talks' in, he won't be listening to his headmaster if you were to go to school, etc. etc. Your daughter is different though, you need to sit her down and scare her - show her what a random (they have known each other for several months you said) pregnancy will do to her, both ways, i.e. consequences (for the health) of an abortion and of having a child. No uni, no prospects, no future (I know it is not true, but your task for now is to scare the shit out of her). Then you have to sign her up for so many activities that he only dream, when hitting the bed, would be to have a good sleep. The activities will have to be both physical (any sport) and intellectual (maths society, geography society, any brainy society they run at her school). Then chores at home - get her up an hour earlier and make her do stuff around the house and explain - you seem to have so much energy to waste to dicking around, please help us, the parents. Early promiscuity and 'exploration' comes as much from having nothing to do and idleness as from the hormones.

caramac04 · 17/04/2025 09:42

Have you contacted the boy’s parents OP?
As previous advice you need to talk with your dd but the boy needs talking to as well. He left his home in the middle of the night and cycled 3 miles to get into your daughter’s bed.
He was surely expecting sex. The pair of them need to understand how much a pregnancy at 14 will wreck their lives - especially your daughters whatever the outcome ie termination, adoption, keep the baby.
I would be concerned your dd is being pressured to have sex but she may have been willing.

1SillySossij · 17/04/2025 09:42

The first priority is contraception and protection against STD and hope you are not too late.

CanOfMangoTango · 17/04/2025 09:42

What are the chances that you caught them the first time he snuck in? I would want to be clear on that too.

Agree with PP. Conversation with his parents needed and get your DD on contraception.

1SillySossij · 17/04/2025 09:44

Hwi · 17/04/2025 09:41

I would have called the police and said 'there is a stranger in my house' - the boy needs to be frightened the hell out of, but not by you, by the police, for example. He won't be taking any 'talks' in, he won't be listening to his headmaster if you were to go to school, etc. etc. Your daughter is different though, you need to sit her down and scare her - show her what a random (they have known each other for several months you said) pregnancy will do to her, both ways, i.e. consequences (for the health) of an abortion and of having a child. No uni, no prospects, no future (I know it is not true, but your task for now is to scare the shit out of her). Then you have to sign her up for so many activities that he only dream, when hitting the bed, would be to have a good sleep. The activities will have to be both physical (any sport) and intellectual (maths society, geography society, any brainy society they run at her school). Then chores at home - get her up an hour earlier and make her do stuff around the house and explain - you seem to have so much energy to waste to dicking around, please help us, the parents. Early promiscuity and 'exploration' comes as much from having nothing to do and idleness as from the hormones.

The daughter invited him in though, so it is not a police matter. You would be wasting police time-it's not their job to parent your wayward DD!