For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Please, OP, don’t give her the impression that she is no longer “sweet” and “lovely” because she is having feelings for a boy, and wanting intimate time with him. You can bake in shame for what is totally natural.

you need to be hard on the deception, safety, consent, and that sex is too early… but not on the instincts and feelings she must be having. Try to be calm and listen and understand where their relationship actually is, and go from there. And yeah, need to tell his parents.

I’m sorry - must be so so stressful.

I’m not.

I can't get over the fact he actually brought his pj's with him, as if he was going to stay the night in a hotel or something!

It takes two to tango the daughter is equally to blame here.

Very overly judgemental. Teenagers can be laws unto themselves.

The OP's reaction isn't permissive.

Honestly, I personally found that involving the police is the only thing that helps with teenagers. My dd was getting bullied via texts at a minor school - the school did not want to know (it does not happen at OUR school) as it happened 'outside of school hours'. I called the police, they came to the house, saw the messages, and went to school. The headmaster, the deputy, the bullies were scared stiff and the messages stopped immediately. Sometimes people have to shake other people into behaving, I am afraid.

Clear boundaries but make sure she knows you will always be there for her.

Take her shopping - teens often talk more in the car or walking. No treats just things she actually needs.

Buy and set up a Ring doorbell - calmly explain she has broken your trust and so you will need to be more aware of what is going on in your house. GP appt for contraception and I would ask her if she needs emergency contraception today - you will not be mad but you need to make sure she takes it if there’s any chance it’s needed.

Make it clear that she can always come to you for anything but it is absolutely not ok to sneak her boyfriend over at night, she is 14, and it is your job to be her parent and look after her even if she doesn’t always like it. Boyfriend can come visit during the day with doors open. Remind her that teenagers often exaggerate and just because her friends say they are having sex / mums are ok with it does not mean that is the truth. I can’t imagine many mums of 14 year olds being ok with it!

How did the boy get home?

I'd be shocked. But I would also have taken the boy home. He is only 14 too and I'd not be comfortable knowing he was making his way home at that time of the night alone. I know I would have kept calm with his parents.

Its a high risk, adrenaline seeking plan (if that's what it was...) and I'd want to find out more details before working out how to handle.

I'd definitely be having a chat with the parents.
I highly doubt they will try to do this again in your house. It must have been absolutely mortifying for them both. I'd have been burning with shame, and I was a very outgoing and confident teen.
It was obviously preplanned by both teens; the boy is getting the majority of the blame here, but I'd say it was both and happened to be at your house as it was easier for him to sneak out and cycle over at night. I had a boyfriend at her age, and we were very 'loves young dream' as well. It's all new and exciting. I'd have another long chat with DD today and see what she says. I'd definitely be looking at contraception because I doubt this will be their first or last attempt. Don't make it a Romeo and Juliet situation by going mad -be calm, get her to open up and give constructive and honest advice about legalities and pregnancy and STDs. Hopefully the boys parents will back you up.

Personally I wouldn’t punish in the traditional sense. It doesn’t work with this kind of thing. She’s not going to stop wanting to sneak around with her boyfriend because she lost some privileges for a week or two. It will just make her resentful and more determined to hide it better the next time, or go somewhere else to do it. Hormones are powerful things, and personally I want my daughters to be able to talk to me about things, no matter how much I might struggle with the content.

I would focus more on the consequences. Trust has been breached so that means that you will no longer extend the same latitude towards things until it’s re-earned, so that means door open whenever he’s round, a chat with his parents so you’re both on the same page, important to make sure she’s aware of contraception (you can be very clear you are not endorsing sex at this age but she does need to have the knowledge and resources to be safe, because ultimately it ends up out of your control), and her having to prove she she can be trusted again.

You need to calm down and then speak to your daughter about sex ed and her age and rules etc. You know what you need to say. But approach it with a roar and she will just sneak behind your back. Talk to her respectfully and with love and be open and honest and you will get a better reaction and hopefully she will listen

Very good advice. Especially as so many other posters are assuming the boy pressured her. Teenage girls get feelings as they go through puberty too...

What happened after you saw him OP? Did he still stay the night? In DD’s bed? On the sofa downstairs? Did you send him home?

I would speak to his parents and explain what happened. No outrage, no judgement. But explain they are 14 and have been seeing each other for two months and in your opinion it’s far too soon for this and he’s welcome to come over but categorically no sleepovers and no creeping in in the middle of the night.

I’d take her shopping as planned and use the day to talk about it. Explain why it’s too soon, how a pregnancy could royally fuck up everyone’s life, explain how other friends are probably bullshitting about what they’re getting up to with boyfriends. That 14 is too young to start shagging boys. Chat to her openly. Tell her how disrespectful it is to hide a person in your and her Dad’s house.

I know its easy for me to say when it wasn't me and I'm not on the spot in the situation, but I think I would have pressed for his parent's number so they could come and get him. If he didn't want to give it up I'd give him the option of explaining it to the police instead.

Totally agree @Moveoverdarlin. That’s taking the long view. It’s important at this age to protect the relationship. If you think about it, they’ve already had the natural consequence of the poor behaviour.

You need to talk to your daughter, the boyfriend and the boyfriend's parents about this. Not all at once but you need a conversation with all of them.

You need to know whether the boyfriend's parents are fine with him sneaking around in the middle of the night to potentially rape a child (which it would be if they had sex although she'd also be a child abuser herself). Chances are if they are decent people they will be unaware and will want to deal with him themselves. If they don't care you'll at least know what sort of background he's from and use that when deciding how to deal with him and whether to try to break up their relationship.

The boyfriend's "deer in the headlights" response is interesting as it suggests that he knew all along it was wrong. Remember that he and your daughter are equally responsible for the situation. Your dealings with the boy should be similar to those with your daughter, they are both potentially child sex abusers and neither is wholly innocent or wholly guilty of allowing the situation to arise.

Obviously you have more control over how you punish your daughter. There are two ways to look at it, either do everything in your power to break the relationship up (ground her, take away her phone, prohibit her having any access to computers etc. so she can't contact him in face or online) or allow it to continue under strict conditions.

The trouble with the latter route is, if they're intent on having sex at 14, they'll be even more intent at 15. It's unlikely you can prevent them having sex before they're of legal age, they will literally do it the first chance they get.

Becsuse. Its mumsnet obviously its got to be the boys fault 🙄

I have a 15 year old who thankfully talks to me about this stuff. She is at the beginning of a serious relationship and we know that the inevitable will happen, but she's close to 16 and id rather they felt safe . Honestly I think 14 is too young for a boyfriend (and I grew up clubbing in London at that age). My daughter has been SA (by boys her age) previously and is very cautious with her boundaries. Especially as she has had a pregnancy scare as a result of the SA (police involved) and she knows someone who has had a baby at 14. There is no way in hell I'd allow sleepovers yet and nor would his mum. At 16, possibly.

Your daughter needs to understand that if she is going to do adult things she might have to make very adult decisions and sneaking a boy in at night is incredibly immature and risky on a number of levels. She is not ready for the possible consequences. I think the embarrassment is probably punishment enough but you need a conversation with her and his parents about it.

OP she is still your sweet and lovely daughter. Not some deceitful stranger. She just wanted to see this boy she's head over heels in love with and you need to show understanding of that while setting firm boundaries.
You need to show her that you understand that young love is like a drug but that you are going to protect her from herself. You need to put into place rules that she understands are there to protect them both but you need to do it in a way that encourages her to speak to you. You say you didn't think she was ready for sex, maybe she's not, maybe they're not, maybe they feel pressure from outside peers to be so or maybe they do have the raging lust for each other. Either way you need to talk to her about consequences, in terms of pregnancy scares and other people's opinions and emotional vulnerability and the law and why waiting is a better idea etc. etc.

I would have called the police and said 'there is a stranger in my house'
The police could take ages to come out. What would you do. Keep him there? He could say you've held him against his will.and he is not a stranger as Dd invited him in the house anyway..

Honestly, I personally found that involving the police is the only thing that helps with teenagers. My dd was getting bullied via texts at a minor school - the school did not want to know (it does not happen at OUR school) as it happened 'outside of school hours'. I called the police, they came to the house, saw the messages, and went to school. The headmaster, the deputy, the bullies were scared stiff and the messages stopped immediately. Sometimes people have to shake other people into behaving, I am afraid.

Completely different situation, if the police were called oit everytime a 14 year old was having sex with a similar aged boyfriend willingly they would need to double the size of the police force.
The dd has bought skimpy pj's and invited her boyfriend in to the home and bed in the middle of the night. Of course she is having sex. She is probably more to 'blame' than him!

It wouldnt be rape as there is no such thing as statuory rape in the uk it would be sex with a minor
Which they would BOTH be guilty of.

I like the advice from @jolies1to still go out with her today - no treats of course but buying essentials and running errands etc, I remember car journeys being a time I talked to my mum a lot as a teenager.
I wouldn’t want her to feel dirty but would want to impress the disappointment of the betrayal of sneaking someone into your home in the night. You have the right to accurately know who is in your house , day and night!

Make a GP appointment to discuss contraception options, talk to the boy’s parents about what happened (they will want to know) and remove phone or social media for a few days as a punishment. The Easter break is arguably good timing as you can spend some time with her and try to open up communication about everything.

disclaimer - not a parent to teens (yet!) but remember doing things behind my parents backs that would have shocked them

He is the one who cycled over in the middle of the night and came into a house he had no right to be in because the householder hadn't given him permission to be there. That shows he is an underhand and dishonest person.

If OP's daughter encouraged him to do this then she is equally dishonest and underhand. But it's naive not to be aware that teenage girls being pressurised into having sex before they are mentally, and legally, in the right place to do so is a very real and common thing.

Its up to OP to deal with her daughter. But the boy's parents should be made aware of his behaviour.And they should be talking to him about underage sex.

She is probably more to 'blame' than him!

What on earth do you mean?

I agree with Sadgirl101.
You’ve had a big shock, OP. Go easy on yourself.
Punishments just make your kids hate you and be more careful in the future.
This is the time to make yourself open and approachable. You need to make sure your daughter can talk to you.
My work very occasionally deals with the consequences of concealed pregnancies. That is another level and it’s tragic.
What your daughter has done is far from
ok, but she is a child who has done something selfish and stupid without thinking of the consequences or you.