For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Honestly I wouldn’t go mental, doing so would result in her being sneakier and hiding it better which is what you don’t want, pushing her further away from you will do neither of you any favours. Certainly don’t be involving police, my mum did the same thing with my first boyfriend (I was sneaking around because she wasn’t accepting of me having any boyfriend), she also stormed me to the doctors and made me get a contraceptive implant (we weren’t having sex but she was convinced I was some harlot) she did everything to keep me away from him, even got school involved, ended up hating her and left at 18, over 15 years later not once spoke to her. I spent a lot of time as an adult repairing the damage she caused in terms of relationships/myself.

That’s superlative advice. 👌🏼

If you punish her any opportunity to have an open discussion is gone. That’s your starting point. Why is she lying to you. Why is she not being honest. You can then, as part of that open discussion, agree an appropriate consequence. For example she has to watch documentaries every night for a week with you on the dangers of unprotected sex. What happens if you get pregnant at 14. Definitely an opportunity to research the horrors of STD’s. Particularly those that cannot be prevented. Together.

Cctv outside the home ...

Thank you for some truly helpful advice and calming my nerves a bit.

I sent him on his bike back home last night, I feel a bit bad about that this morning but to be honest I was not thinking very calmly when he was here, and frankly he looked like he was ready to jump back out of the window when I was shouting at them both in shock last night.
My dd is still in bed we were both up until 3am last night crying and upset and not making much sense so I think it would be better to talk to her when she’s had a bit more sleep.

I will message his parents and tell them what happened and I think we should talk face to face at some point too.
And to be clear it’s equal in terms of deception and planning with dd and her boyfriend they admitted as much last night. I will definitely try to understand at what stage they are at. But do I really want her to go on the pill now? Isn’t that giving her the green light and mixed messaging about being too young to have sex. Unless she already is having sex then of course straight onto the pill she goes!
@financialcareerstuff you're right, my emotions are confused just now and I won’t make dd feel shame for what is in essence completely natural! It’s the lying and deception that is what’s so hard to get my head round.

1000% this! I would have been bloody furious with them both & definitely would have done this!! It would be well worth the lack of sleep!!

You sent a 14 year old boy back on his bike for a 3 mile cycle at 1am??

I literally cannot believe you didn’t ring his parents at the time and they STILL don’t know

You need to contact his parents asap.

I will message his parents and tell them what happened

get off mumsnet fgs and tell this young teen boy’s parents.

me? I’d have called the last night

What does "make sure she gets consent mean"?

Mixed messages or not, yes she needs to be on contraception. Some teens do have sex early, and yes you can ground her / punish her but if they want to have sex, they will find a way. I’d have driven him home personally, and spoken to his parents at the door, or told him to tell them to ring me first thing.

I took it as “make sure she understands consent”.

Was this an arranged sleepover where they were expected to sleep in different rooms, which (rightly or wrongly),is how I read it? Or did your DD literally let him into the house in the middle of the night?

Is it just you and her? Any partner or siblings?

I think you had some great advice from @jolies1 at 9.50. It’s already been quoted.

One thing I will also say is that teens can be great at deciding their own punishment. You and your dd were in tears and upset til 3am. You are obviously really close and loving.

I would go for the I love you. I am really concerned about what happened last night. Say you just want to lock her up til she’s older but you know that isn’t the right call. Then ask her what she thinks should happen. Ask her what consequences she thinks she should have. Often teens can be great at this stuff and give themselves even harsher consequences than we may have given.

If she comes up with something herself, she will be on board. And if not, you can tell her you need a little space to come up with some yourself then. No rash decisions. She understands the seriousness of this. And if you play it right this will strengthen your bond.

I think rather than a one way bollocking, you need to have a conversation about sex and relationships, as well as the sneaking about and deception, plus the safety of letting people into the house, or riding a bike 3 miles in the middle of the night.

I’d contact his parents, but be prepared for them to be furious with you for endangering him in the middle of the night by sending him off on his bike.

Both kids have behaved badly, and there should obviously be consequences. But you are one of the adults, and it was irresponsible to send a 14 year old child off on their own in the middle of the night.

Could still have rung his parents to collect though.

I'm not surprised that it has turned out to be planned by both of them (unless you're in the habit of leaving your house unlocked at night, which I doubt)

There's some really good advice upthread about how to handle it. I'd say watch out for them adopting the "we didn't have sex, we just wanted to be together and sleep" line as it is vanishingly unlikely to be true.

I’m a grandmother and I was trying to imagine how I would approach this. First of all, I don’t think that you should be thinking about punishing her. They probably are experiencing first love. I remember how powerful those feelings are. I think you should have a serious adult conversation with her about how she feels about all this, about sex at too young an age, about contraception and consent. And let her know that she can trust you not to be angry with her if she comes and talks to you about it. I do think she should know that you are disappointed that she broke your trust by letting him into your home in the night, and I also think that this is a safeguarding issue and that the boy’s parents should be informed. I never have understood how grounding children works, beyond making them angry and determined not to be caught next time.

Well you agreed with being concerned he was pressurising her into sex...no evidence for that

In my experience a parental “we are so disappointed in you, you broke our trust” approach is waaay more impactful than shouting and punishment. Hopefully in the calm of the morning you will come to the view that ur us THIS aspect which is worse than the potential of them having had sex (which will happen and may already have).

So, disappointed face, some meaningful consequence short of banning the relationship, and action re contraception. Plus a pow wow with the boy and his parents (which will mortify the teens and be a punishment in itself) to set down boundaries for the future

@BlossomBlanket that she understands what consent is and that she is not being put under pressure to do what she does not want to.

gets as in understands. Not get as in obtains.

Have none of you ever been 14 😂