For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

[madonninamia]

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

Sorry, just read your update after I posted. Well done, it can't have been easy.

God no!

I also think you might be naïve believing her when she says she has not been having sex. At just a couple of years older, I did similar and snuck a boy in, got caught and the next morning my parents were FURIOUS! Never seen them like that before or since. The only defence (I thought) I had was wailing 'But I've never ever even had sex, I'm a virgin, we were just talking, I can't believe you think I would have sex!' over and over again (this was to my Dad!!!!). I was convinced that keeping the fact that I was having sex with my boyfriend hidden was the ONLY way I could survive this (in terms of punishment/anger/their abject disappointment). I think they believed me - it was never mentioned again..

What? Can we have a translation?

I did this but I was 19! If my daughter did this at 14 I would go ballistic!

Hi @madonninamia I see you are thinking about locking your DD’s windows from now on:

‘we have a walled in side shed which is far too easy to climb when you are a tall lad and from there it’s my dd’s window, so that’s going to be permanently locked from now on.’

Just wanted to warn you about the fire risk of keeping her windows locked - much better that she can escape quickly if she needs too. Maybe a motion sensor/security camera outside (that you don’t tell her about!) would be a safer option?

It is a shock OP I agree there, and I understand your reaction because of the shock, however I think your reaction will now make your daughter feel like she can't come to you about problems and any advice in the future. If she felt like she could then the boyfriend wouldn't be sneaking in.

Yes 14 is young. However nothing will stop them having sex, it will just be at different locations at different times. So my advice is to build the relationship back up with her and get her on some form of contraception, whether it's the pill, depo injection. And also speak to her about STIs, HPV etc.

I was 14 when I first had sex, looking back I was far too young, but at the time I didn't see it like that. My mum did everything under the sun to stop me from seeing my boyfriend at the time and if anything that just made me 100 times worse. I lost so much trust in her. I felt like I couldn't go to her about anything after. She also went telling certain people I had sex because she needed people to talk to about it. I didn't like the fact she went and discussed my sex life with others. So my advice would be to not tell any of your friends or family if you need someone to talk to because it's her body, not yours. As harsh as it sounds for you.

My mother was similarly appalled whenever she found out that I had sex at 16 (illegal in Northern Ireland the age is 17) I had had a horrendous experience that day with having to go to the hospital the next day for a morning after pill (not easy to get hold of in those days!) because of a condom messed up and it was really stressful and I just wanted my mum to give me a hug and make everything okay . When I actually told her she was lovely about it but I now realised it was quite drunk and the next morning , I presume having spoken to my dad , came down on me like a ton of bricks- you will not do that ever again etc etc it completely broke our relationship.
I think, if it was me in your shoes, I would be contacting the boys parents more about the sneaking out at night business than anything else - they can ask him questions. Then I’d be doing everything I could do to repair the relationship with my daughter so that she continues to be able to talk to me about anything and everything.
Connection first. Give her the tools to make good decisions for herself.

Hi. There's of course all the sensible advice about a calm discussion, boundaries etc. But you also need to be aware that sex between under 16s is currently a criminal offence. I think there's a proposal to change this if both parties are minors but I'm pretty sure that hasn't happened yet. So that's something else to factor in.

Definitely speak to his parents. Definitely re-speak to her and definitely go over the legal consequences, personal consequences, and any consequences you are putting in place for if it happens again.

Not sure it's right, but personally I would also ensure the house alarm was set, and with a code the daughter doesn't know, so she can't go down and let him in at night.

If he's coming in by a window, camera!

I think I'd also put the hallway lights on timers to keep going on and off all night 😂

You don't know she isn't having sex (unless you have examined her hymen!!) stop saying she is honest when she clearly is anything but!

Which they would both be guilty of and which the police woukd have no interest in prosecuting

Oookay you clearly know my daughter better than me. 😂

With all due respect she did pull one over on you with her boyfriends 'parents' phone number

My point is exactly the first part of this sentence. OPs daughter woukd be guilty of a criminal offence as well as the BF. What the police may choose ultimately to do is just one factor.

Wow. So this isn’t the first time. Total breech of your trust and giving a fake number as well

Amazed his parents didn’t contact you the first time it happened

but you can’t change the past

going forward not sue what to suggest.

do they go to same school?

phone ban

I wouldn’t beleive also about her bf mums being ok having sex at 14 either

Your daughter is a teenager. Do you know how you can tell if a teenager is lying? There mouth is moving. Your daughter and her boyfriend have both been sneaky, deceptive and frankly bare-faced. You can believe what you want. I bet you wouldn't have believed she was sneaking her boyfriend in for sleepovers a few nights ago. Do you think this has only happened the two times they've been caught? Unless you want to get left holding the baby I'd seriously consider the implanf or contraceptiv injection. Ultimately, it's your daughters life that will change if she gets pregnant, whether she keeps the baby or not, the consequences will be hers to bare.

She lied for months. Yet you still choose to believe her?

You need to install a security alarm and cameras (outside her window) and not tell her. She can’t be trusted. She’s 14 and sneaking a boy in.

You don’t know your daughter. She’s been sneaking her boyfriend in for months and lied to your face and said it was only one time. Her boyfriend lied to you by giving you his own mobile number so you wouldn’t tell his mum!
Your daughter knew this. She’s telling you what you want to hear.

You need to get her a pregnancy test and then put her on the pill.

Hey OP, I haven’t read the whole thread but I do have some experience with this. Not with my kids but with myself. I was sneaking my boyfriend in at 14/15, he’d come round during the day when the house was empty and then just hide in my room (loft room with a ladder leading into it so my mum didn’t come up that often) and he’d stay until the early hours. The first few times it happened we weren’t having sex but it eventually led to that. Once we were caught by my older sister I just started sneaking out and going to his instead, he was in a bungalow so I’d just climb through his bedroom window. Parents came down on me like a ton of bricks when I was caught but the fact is I kept doing it anyway. And once I’d had sex I didn’t stop so by all means punish her/make sure there are consequences but more importantly keep those lines of communication open and sort out contraception. I got in so much trouble but nobody ever sat down with me and explained about the dangers or about consent or just had a calm conversation with me about sex. If they had, maybe things would have been different but all I knew about sex was the very minimal sex ed I’d had which is obviously better in schools now but will never beat open communication with someone safe. If I’d known about how important consent was and that there were other ways to satisfy my crazy teenage hormonal urges then I don’t think I would of carried on sleeping with him or any others boys until I was older. Good luck.

Clearly the OP has experienced a hard time with the situation concerning her daughter. Understandably, there are differing views on the best way forward, and l say this as someone who was a happy sexually active teenager who was not scarred for life (40s now, so no lectures please).

But there is no reason to give the OP a hard time in responses.

I think people need to be more realistic about teenagers.

Stable door, horse bolted

A teenage boy is not sneaking out of his house in the middle of the night, cycling across town, risking getting in trouble with his parents…….. for a cuddle and a chat.

I'm sure you know her very well OP -but she's a teen whose been lying to you successfully for months! It's not a reflection on your parenting, she's just 14. The stuff I was lying about at that age makes me cringe. I was a 14 year old who was sexually active with my boyfriend. Never coerced, it was my/our own bad choice. I come from a lovely, understanding and open family, great school, no trauma. I just thought I was grown up and in love. Did I tell my parents? Until I had an abortion, absolutely not. I lied through my teeth.
Hopefully she really hasn't, and you caught them before it got any further. The intention was there though. It's naive to think he was cycling over secretly in the night for a cuddle and that would have been it until they were of age.
I think you've handled things really well and have had a good chat with both your DD and his parent. At least its all out in the open now!

All these people saying they’ve had sex, we don’t know if that is true or not. They may not be ready at all or simply been too scared to dtd with parents in the house. He was in bed in pjs and tracksuit trousers. That doesn’t shout a boy ready to have sex to me. If anything, your dd is the one possibly thinking about things seeing as she bought herself some new pjs. However, I also don’t think more ‘sexy’ or revealing pjs = girl ready to have sex either. That could simply be a girl, who wants to look cute.