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Original poster

For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

409 replies

madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:01

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 17/04/2025 10:59

ElizaMulvil · 17/04/2025 10:52

Not sure the pill is the contraception of choice for a 14 year old. In my experience teens' approach is take 1 or 2 , then miss a few......take 1 or 2 , then forget for a week.....

She needs much more reliable contraception.

This. The pill requires a level of adult responsibility that most 14 year olds don’t have. They are children at the end of the day. And like any other form of hormonal contraception it won’t protect against hpv, chlamydia or other STDs.

YourDearRaven · 17/04/2025 10:59

I reckon what’s happened is they’ve been texting and one or both of them have said I wish we could cuddle right now, why don’t you come round etc so he has. Did you say he was in pjs? Had he changed or had he come round in them? Can you take her phone and read her messages, you’ll get the context then.
has he been round during the day, for tea etc? If he lives with his parents which I assume he does, I’d be telling them.
she obviously thought she could get away with it and sneak him out before morning. It’s sneaky that’s all.
i snuck boys into my parents house in the middle of the night as a teen, we just sat on sofa and talked though never got into bed.
I’m trying to see it from my old teenage eyes too. When I was 14, my boyfriend was 16-17 and we never had sex. He never even tried, he had many faults but never pressured me. We shared a bed once and a party and we just cuddled.
she deserves to be reprimanded for being sneaky and if it’ll settle your mind read her phone, but I reckon it’ll have been both of them wanting a sneaky cuddle last night.

YourDearRaven · 17/04/2025 11:01

I bet he shit himself 😂

Gettingacoffee · 17/04/2025 11:02

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 10:47

Contact the parents. First thing.

I would be getting a pregnancy test organised (to be on the safe side) and contraception.

Phone and privileges would be gone due to the trust breach

A serious conversation would be taking place, ie are there photos anywhere of her body or recordings. I would tell her this is so important because her boyfriend could be charged and arrested for having images of a child - he would be placed on the sex offenders register for a decade. If there are images of her, they can be immediately deleted so they are not passed around.

I would be asking that his mother checks every photo and all videos personally and all gadgets. For her son’s sake as well as your daughter’s.

I would highlight what an unwanted pregnancy or STI could do to her life, and that it is against the law to do what she did.

We would talk about boundaries and safety, house security and how it can so easily be compromised.

I wouldn’t get angry, but just sit down with a coffee and hear her views, as well as discuss yours. She is absolutely too young.

A serious conversation would be taking place, ie are there photos anywhere of her body or recordings. I would tell her this is so important because her boyfriend could be charged and arrested for having images of a child - he would be placed on the sex offenders register for a decade. If there are images of her, they can be immediately deleted so they are not passed around.
I would be asking that his mother checks every photo and all videos personally and all gadgets. For her son’s sake as well as your daughter’s.

And vice versa of course. He is a child too.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 17/04/2025 11:02

Is anyone else reading this and imagining whst THEIR mum would have done? 🤣
Omg, mine would have battered me!!

Definitely talk to the boys parents, Definitely impose some form of ' consequence' - I think grounding is entirely appropriate!

goagain · 17/04/2025 11:03

Are they reading Romeo and Juliet in school or something?!

Definitely speak to his parents.

Speak to her and explain why it was a silly idea. Talk to her about what getting pregnant at 14 would mean for the rest of her life. Educate her. YANBU for hitting the roof but it won’t actually achieve anything, you have to communicate calmly to get through to her.

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 11:05

thepariscrimefiles · 17/04/2025 10:59

You made a fool of yourself with your first post by not reading the OP properly and blaming her for allowing a sleepover.

Since that mistake you haven't bothered to moderate your posting style and continue to harangue the OP and bark instructions at her that she is under no obligation to follow.

Show quote history

The OP’s knight In Shining armour!

the op kicked a young teen out at 1am to cycle 3 miles home and almost 12 hours later hasn’t told his parents

Miaowzabella · 17/04/2025 11:08

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 10:23

You sent a 14 year old boy back on his bike for a 3 mile cycle at 1am??

Edited

Uninvited guests should expect to make their own way home.

GreenFields07 · 17/04/2025 11:08

Yes OP you need to get her on contraception now. It doesnt matter if that looks like youre giving her the green light. Shes going to do it whether she has your permission or not. Surely youd rather DD be on the pill at 14 than be pregnant.
FWIW I lost my virginity at 14 too, not something im proud of now and yes I was pressured. I told my mum and we went straight in for the implant. I would've forgotten to take a pill every night at that age so the implant worked better for me. It doesnt mean I just went on like a rabbit after that, I actually didn't have sex again for a few more months. It was just better to be safe than sorry for me. Id do the same for my DDs too.

Bonbon249 · 17/04/2025 11:09

Honest conversation with daughter as to what actually happened, as in, is there a need for the morning after pill? There do need to be consequences for this as it's not appropriate behavior from either of them but you know your child best so will know what will be most effective. I agree with others that you certainly need to have a conversation with the boyfriend's parents - anything could have happened to him on his way over to your house. Try not to go nuclear - if you ban them from seeing each other, it will just make them more determined to see each other and sneak around.

x2boys · 17/04/2025 11:10

Miaowzabella · 17/04/2025 11:08

Uninvited guests should expect to make their own way home.

Show quote history

He's 14 ,uninvited or not it's not safe for a,14 year old t o be out at that time of night alone .

Hankunamatata · 17/04/2025 11:11

After my initial rage on your behalf

I'm actually quite impressed with their ninja skills and nerve!

Your making me very glad I'm a light sleeper

BuildbyNumbere · 17/04/2025 11:11

Did you take him home? Surely his parents wouldn’t have let him out and be wondering where he was??
yes way too young and I would have gone mental!!!

BuildbyNumbere · 17/04/2025 11:13

Just read you sent him home by bike … irresponsible, you should have driven him and spoken to his parents there and then!!!
Hope he made it home ok.

Emmz1510 · 17/04/2025 11:13

While I don’t think this is something I would allow at 14, I also don’t think I would necessarily go all nuclear/punishment on this. Your daughter being able to feel she can talk to you about ANYTHING is the most important thing with teenagers I think. Punishment may have the opposite effect to the one you want. Yes it’s important they know it was wrong to deceive you and talk seriously about the potential implications of underage sex. But it’s almost inevitable that lots of teens will do this at some point, even if yours was a little younger than you would like!
I can only speak from my own experience but I was 15/16 when I was staying over at my first boyfriends house and I always had a very responsible and sensible attitude to sex and I genuinely think that’s because it wasn’t stigmatised and we weren’t made to feel ashamed.
It would be perfectly reasonable to stipulate no staying over before 16 (or whatever age you deem acceptable, it’s your house) but you might also want to consider at some point that you might rather they did it at your house than at some party where there might be alcohol/drugs (and poor decision making) or lying about being somewhere they’re not, or in some park or somewhere else risky.
It’s not about ‘putting her on the pill’ at 14. It’s about having a conversation with her first to establish whether they actually were having sex (not completely beyond the realms of possibility that they were cuddling or kissing or petting). You need to come at this in a way that gives her permission to be completely honest without feeling your judgement. Then you have the discussion about safe sex and contraception and you try to arrive a decision together.

Gloriia · 17/04/2025 11:13

Queenanne20 · 17/04/2025 09:48

I can't get over the fact he actually brought his pj's with him, as if he was going to stay the night in a hotel or something!

Yes this is all so weird. Did he bring a toothbrush too?

I can't imagine not hearing if someone crept in our house. All the creeping in the world doesn't make front doors open and close silently.

It one thing having a sexually active 14 yr old dd, that obviously needs lots of discussions etc but seriously wtf were the pair of them thinking middle of the night cycling trips with pj's packed Confused.

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 11:14

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Gloriia · 17/04/2025 11:15

BuildbyNumbere · 17/04/2025 11:13

Just read you sent him home by bike … irresponsible, you should have driven him and spoken to his parents there and then!!!
Hope he made it home ok.

Exactly. Should've taken him home and hammered on their front door.

Maybe this could be a plot of the next Adolescence. Parents all over will be hiding the front door keys.

juststrutting · 17/04/2025 11:16

BuildbyNumbere · 17/04/2025 11:13

Just read you sent him home by bike … irresponsible, you should have driven him and spoken to his parents there and then!!!
Hope he made it home ok.

I am not sure this is entirely fair. OP had a big shock. He clearly had plans to get himself home. So yes, whilst driving him home was probably the best way to handle it, OP was thinking on her feet and did the best she could. Instead, she chose to focus on her daughter and make sure that she was ok, which was not the wrong thing to do.

I would have probably reacted the same way

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 11:16

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Spankmeonthebottomwithawomansweekly · 17/04/2025 11:17

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And clearly quite able to make the journey. Anyway, a moot point and hindsight is always a wonderful thing.

Miaowzabella · 17/04/2025 11:17

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Twaddle. He managed to get himself there, it was hardly the OP's problem to get him home.

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 11:19

Miaowzabella · 17/04/2025 11:17

Twaddle. He managed to get himself there, it was hardly the OP's problem to get him home.

Show quote history

Are you a parent?

Myengagementring · 17/04/2025 11:20

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Or he cycled over in his pyjamas maybe!

Savingadime · 17/04/2025 11:22

I know the initial reaction is to feel anger and hurt but I echo others, this is a moment for learning for both of you.

I was once the 14 year old and my parents were fairly laid back about us seeing each other so I suppose we didn’t need to sneak around. That isn’t me minimising but again, where discussion along with rules and boundaries comes in.