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Original poster

For having reacted the way I did when I caught my 14 year old daughter’s…

409 replies

madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:01

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/04/2025 10:38

Tbh once they start it's impossible to stop and you can't really use the age of consent, it's not there for 2 14yr olds.

I'd be sorting out contraception and having a word with them both that you don't want to see him in your house in the middle of the night. It'll be embarrassing and will probably drive them underground but it's not something you can fight. Those hormones are all consuming.

Elboob · 17/04/2025 10:38

financialcareerstuff · 17/04/2025 09:45

Please, OP, don’t give her the impression that she is no longer “sweet” and “lovely” because she is having feelings for a boy, and wanting intimate time with him. You can bake in shame for what is totally natural.

you need to be hard on the deception, safety, consent, and that sex is too early… but not on the instincts and feelings she must be having. Try to be calm and listen and understand where their relationship actually is, and go from there. And yeah, need to tell his parents.

I’m sorry - must be so so stressful.

I agree - it's the lies and deception route to punish, not the feelings for the boy.

@madonninamia Punishment? I'd take her bedroom door off for a week (she can get changed in the bathroom). But then I am evil.

KvotheTheBloodless · 17/04/2025 10:39

You need to check her phone.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/04/2025 10:40

I would be really shocked, one of DD's friends done this with her boyfriend at 14, she is 16 on boyfriend number 10, it is a lot of sex for a young girl, trying not to judge as I suspect she has other problems.

I'd be devastated to catch DD at 14. Have a chat around safe sex, waiting until she is older etc.

Muffinmam · 17/04/2025 10:41

madonninamia · 17/04/2025 09:01

Boyfriend in her room last night at 1am?
He must’ve crept in while I was sleeping and it was only ‘cause I had to go to the loo that I saw a light under her bedroom door and thought she was on her phone that I walked in and saw him shoot out of her bed like lightning. Thank god they were both in pjs although my daughter was wearing tiny shorts and vest that I’d never seen before.

God knows what my neighbours must have thought as I did some major screeching first in shock when I saw him leap out of the bed in the semi dark but I was just so upset that she would already be sneaking about like this. I admit I was doing the exact same thing but I was 16/17 at the time, and me and my boyfriend had been together more than a year before I was even ready to start having sex with him. 14 is too young to be having her boyfriend round for frigging “sleepovers”, isn’t it?!?
My mind is blown, they’ve been together a couple of months now, they are both 14 and as I stupidly believed pretty innocent and sweet. Of course I had the talk after I noticed how into each other they were and I broached her about sex but she promised she wasn’t wanting to do anything like that. She knows that having sex at 14 is considered way too young (illegal!) but after last night I’m having serious doubts about where they are at in their relationship.

I’m at a loss what to do, my DH was of little help last night as he stumbled about half asleep and not knowing what to do or say when the boyfriend was looking like a deer in headlights last night. He’s at work now lucky git, I took time off work due to Easter hols, we were going to go out shopping today but that’s not going to happen now.
How in hell do I go about this? Ground her? Take away her social media? I don’t even know his parents but I think I should contact them to let them know their son is sneaking out in the middle of the night and cycling 3 miles to sleep with his girlfriend, shouldn’t I? Any advice would be gladly appreciated as at the moment I’ve not slept much and all I want to do is lock her in her bedroom until she turns 16.

You get a house security system if you can afford it and put her on the pill.

This was so deceitful of the both of them.

ThejoyofNC · 17/04/2025 10:41

orangegato · 17/04/2025 10:35

Have none of you ever been 14 😂

Yes and if I got caught with a boy in my bedroom at 1am I'd have been sorry I ever met him.

Welshmonster · 17/04/2025 10:43

I think you need to speak to his parents as they may have gone to bed thinking their precious DS was safe in his bed and he could have had an accident on his bike and they wouldn’t have known. I would have probably driven him home whilst keeping my rage inside!

if they are going to have sex then they will find locations so I think now you need to have calm conversations about STD and pregnancy as it’s your DD that would be left holding the baby.

It doesn’t matter that so and so mum says it’s ok. I would potentially put a safeguarding email into school about it as that mum may not actually know her DD is sexually active.

my now 16 DS has a boyfriend and we have said no to sleepovers as for a start he only has a single bed and he’s not emotionally mature yet for that. We don’t have to worry about pregnancy!

i wouldn’t punish your kid as you really need to build trust now so she can tell you if things aren’t right and she is being pressured

Fraaances · 17/04/2025 10:44

I would think a conversation about legal consequences and that you are not afraid to press charges might make everyone take this seriously.

Cursory · 17/04/2025 10:46

Rabbitoney · 17/04/2025 09:05

YABU for using a click bait title for your post.

This. Not so upset that the OP didn’t manage to create a click bait title to get maximum attention.

WonderingWanda · 17/04/2025 10:46

What a shock. You should probably ring my Mum for advice op because this was the sort of thing I got up to as a teen. I recall her collecting my from my much older boyfriends house late one night when I'd been caught out in a lie at a similar age. There were consequences, screaming but then also calmer conversations about responsibility and new boundaries which were a compromise on both sides. Whatever she did it worked, I didn't get pregnant, no criminal records, survived gcses, A levels and Uni and am a fairly successful adult now.

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 10:47

Contact the parents. First thing.

I would be getting a pregnancy test organised (to be on the safe side) and contraception.

Phone and privileges would be gone due to the trust breach

A serious conversation would be taking place, ie are there photos anywhere of her body or recordings. I would tell her this is so important because her boyfriend could be charged and arrested for having images of a child - he would be placed on the sex offenders register for a decade. If there are images of her, they can be immediately deleted so they are not passed around.

I would be asking that his mother checks every photo and all videos personally and all gadgets. For her son’s sake as well as your daughter’s.

I would highlight what an unwanted pregnancy or STI could do to her life, and that it is against the law to do what she did.

We would talk about boundaries and safety, house security and how it can so easily be compromised.

I wouldn’t get angry, but just sit down with a coffee and hear her views, as well as discuss yours. She is absolutely too young.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 17/04/2025 10:48

Well glad you had the safe sex talk that's obviously number one but I would have called his parents in the middle of the night and made them come and pick him up for a start. I would then have read her the riot act and taken away phone privileges. I would ask his parents to chat to you tomorrow to come up with some rules for the relationship going forward so you are clear they will be supervised and I would let school know so they can talk to them about safe sex too.b

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 10:49

Any mothers of 14 year old boys on this thread?

Given the op hasn’t bothered to update the parents almost 12 hours later…. One of you might be expecting a message soon

x2boys · 17/04/2025 10:50

Fraaances · 17/04/2025 10:44

I would think a conversation about legal consequences and that you are not afraid to press charges might make everyone take this seriously.

The Op.can't press charges that would be up.to the C PS and as they are both the same age they are BOTH Guilty of having sex with a minor so the police wouldn't be interested in charging anyone the Op has repeatedly said her daughter consented in this.

ElizaMulvil · 17/04/2025 10:52

Not sure the pill is the contraception of choice for a 14 year old. In my experience teens' approach is take 1 or 2 , then miss a few......take 1 or 2 , then forget for a week.....

She needs much more reliable contraception.

dottycat123 · 17/04/2025 10:53

Fraaances · 17/04/2025 10:44

I would think a conversation about legal consequences and that you are not afraid to press charges might make everyone take this seriously.

If they are both a similar age and neither party was coerced there will be no legal consequences even if they had sex.

x2boys · 17/04/2025 10:54

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 17/04/2025 10:48

Well glad you had the safe sex talk that's obviously number one but I would have called his parents in the middle of the night and made them come and pick him up for a start. I would then have read her the riot act and taken away phone privileges. I would ask his parents to chat to you tomorrow to come up with some rules for the relationship going forward so you are clear they will be supervised and I would let school know so they can talk to them about safe sex too.b

Why would you let school know?
Can you imagine how mortifying that would be for them both and I doubt it would help the Op,,s relationship with her daughter.

x2boys · 17/04/2025 10:57

Testingmypatience1 · 17/04/2025 10:47

Contact the parents. First thing.

I would be getting a pregnancy test organised (to be on the safe side) and contraception.

Phone and privileges would be gone due to the trust breach

A serious conversation would be taking place, ie are there photos anywhere of her body or recordings. I would tell her this is so important because her boyfriend could be charged and arrested for having images of a child - he would be placed on the sex offenders register for a decade. If there are images of her, they can be immediately deleted so they are not passed around.

I would be asking that his mother checks every photo and all videos personally and all gadgets. For her son’s sake as well as your daughter’s.

I would highlight what an unwanted pregnancy or STI could do to her life, and that it is against the law to do what she did.

We would talk about boundaries and safety, house security and how it can so easily be compromised.

I wouldn’t get angry, but just sit down with a coffee and hear her views, as well as discuss yours. She is absolutely too young.

Stop trying to turn this into something it isn't there is no suggestion there are any photos anywhere.

Umidontknow · 17/04/2025 10:57

mumonthehill · 17/04/2025 09:08

I get your angry, I would be too but now is the time for calm conversations not a blow up at her. Tell her why you are not happy, make sure she gets consent and talk birth control. Put in any boundaries that you see fit but if they are having sex then she needs to be safe. The creeping in at night is an absolute no and needs to be addressed but calmly. I'm would not punish her but be clear as to why you are upset.

Agree with this 100%

Gettingacoffee · 17/04/2025 10:58

Fraaances · 17/04/2025 10:44

I would think a conversation about legal consequences and that you are not afraid to press charges might make everyone take this seriously.

The boy is underage too and his parents could equally well make that (empty) threat.

Starlight7080 · 17/04/2025 10:58

It does not matter that her friends parents are useless at being parents and allowing 14 year olds to have sex.
It's far to young . You need to be firm and put in boundaries.

Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 10:58

I would start by telling her, she's fucking lucky that you didn't ring the police, or send her dad in hurling a baseball bat around after hearing an unexpected man talking through the wall with her at 1am. I can't imagine the shock and horror of that unfolding at me at that time in the dark!

I probably would have lost my shit and told him I'm driving him home, knocking on his parents door to bring him in. I would have been calm as possible with the parents, as its not their fault! Then at least you know, they know you're not happy in the least with this arrangement and they won't let him do it again (if they knew and were "cool" about it, because he's lied and told them you're fine with it!).

With DD, today I would talk to her calmly as possible and really try and build up that trust. I wouldn't shame her, but I'd really make sure she is OK. Depending on her reaction and what she tells you would depend on punishment. However, punishment should fit the crime. I'd probably ban her from social outings for a good few weeks! To me, taking away her phone just sounds like a disconnect to the actual act. Plus I'd want to be able to know exactly where the little madam was straight after school!

Neurotoxic · 17/04/2025 10:58

Get a proper burgular alarm installed and don't tell her the disarm code. This is kind of a red flag for your home security.

Season0fthesticks · 17/04/2025 10:58

As a now adult who done exactly what's written in the op, I can honestly say I never wanted to have sex. I just wanted my boyfriend to stay over, 100% genuine. I wasn't ready for anything sexual.
But my friends were allowed their boyfriends to stay. My mum found him, kicked him out. I got grounded, my phone removed
Which led me to sneaking out at night to see him and eventually having sex a few months later in a field.
My mum has no idea and I regret being so unsafe and in public.
My mum was not the type of person to go to for advice or safe sex talks etc.

So in all honesty, I would say open up communication and maybe let him stay over during the weekends.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/04/2025 10:59

Morningstarter · 17/04/2025 10:25

I will message his parents and tell them what happened

get off mumsnet fgs and tell this young teen boy’s parents.

me? I’d have called the last night

You made a fool of yourself with your first post by not reading the OP properly and blaming her for allowing a sleepover.

Since that mistake you haven't bothered to moderate your posting style and continue to harangue the OP and bark instructions at her that she is under no obligation to follow.

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