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Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour towards my 15 year old daughter

179 replies

Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:07

Sorry, this probably isn't the correct chat to post but seems to get a lot of traffic and really need advice. My 15 year old daughter has a job as a waitress in a local restaurant. My exh partner knows the owner and got her the job. She told me tonight that she wants to quit, which I am fine with. When she messaged her dad, he was annoyed that she was quitting her job without giving a reason. She became very upset and told me that an older male member of staff there makes her feel really uncomfortable. He asks her questions about her boyfriend and has said things like "don't forget I'm your number one". He has also touched her waist and shoulder numerous times without her consent. She will obviously never be going back there again. But what can I do, if anything? Can I go to the police? I am so upset for her and feel like I've let her down for letting her work there in the first place. I'm going to speak to her dad about it tomorrow.

OP posts:
CrazyCatMam · 17/04/2025 00:14

I don’t think it’s a police matter - unless there’s more to it?

However, I would let the owner know why she doesn’t feel comfortable working there.

Sadly, I think this is very common. I have 2 teen DDs and many of their friends have complained about the general creepiness of male customers & colleagues towards them.Sad

Veryverycalmnow · 17/04/2025 00:18

This is awful. I would report it but not sure how or who to. Is the man in question the boss or employee? So sorry this has been your DD's early impression of work.

Original poster
Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:21

Thank you for replying. I will talk to the owner, it does concern me that this could have gone further, had he had the opportunity. And I worry about other young women that will have to work with him in the future. Thankfully nothing else happened.

OP posts:
Iwishsummerwouldhurryup · 17/04/2025 00:23

YRNBU, II would put in a formal written complaint against the staff member. I don’t know how much the police would do but given her age I would also consider it in case he has history.
Maybe speak to your DD & see if she wants to go this route though first. At the very least a complaint. Neither is unreasonable.
Sorry for your DD. Presumably it’s her 1st job. It’s probably worth speaking to her about what is acceptable/unacceptable behaviour & that because she had a bad experience, it doesn’t mean all work places are like this but under no circumstances is this type of behaviour acceptable. 🌷

SquashedMallow · 17/04/2025 00:23

I don't think it's a police matter with the information you have.

I would however let someone senior there know exactly why your DD won't be coming back.

Original poster
Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:23

He's an employee. I'm so angry for her. Work should be a safe space, especially for a 15 year old girl wanting to earn a bit of extra pocket money. I have a friend in the police, so will speak to her for advice.

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:24

Police wont do anything. Its not illegal to touch someone's shoulder, and waist it depends on context - but also highly unlikely. From the man's perspective he might be trying to be extra reassuring and not have any idea he is doing this. Perhaps he sees her as young and wants to take her under his wing. Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

Unfortunately this is the shit side of being a woman. I'd probably encourage her to speak up to the owner and mention it. Or quit and mention this is the reason why she is quitting. I would then talk to her about advocating for herself and letting others know she has clear boundaries and she has a right to expect these to be respected etc...

Avatartar · 17/04/2025 00:24

Confronting him may help her confidence in the long run. Could you suggest she loudly tells him to stop touching me? then to just walk out and phone you to fetch her if he doesn’t stop. It’s just grim that we are subjected to this, but she may find it empowering if she is able to call him out on it. Appreciate she is young and her first job. It happened to me and after I spun on his foot in my stiletto and shouted at him in front of the whole cafe for grabbing my bum as I was carrying food, he stopped! I was a bit older though.

Italiangreyhound · 17/04/2025 00:28

That's horrible. I have been a waitress and had unwanted attention, in the past, it is awful to know it still happens.

Give her lots of support and if she wants to report it to the manager, or not, her choice.

Original poster
Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:29

Thank you all for your replies, I don't know how to comment on individual posts. I've have spoken to her tonight. She is a real feminist and understands that his behaviour is completely inappropriate but was really upset and didn't know how to respond to it. Which is completely understandable. I will speak to her about making a more formal complaint but I'm not sure she will want that. She didn't want me to tell her dad tonight and was very upset. I obviously will speak to him tomorrow but have left it tonight as didn't want her becoming more distressed.

OP posts:
SquashedMallow · 17/04/2025 00:33

Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:23

He's an employee. I'm so angry for her. Work should be a safe space, especially for a 15 year old girl wanting to earn a bit of extra pocket money. I have a friend in the police, so will speak to her for advice.

We have this misguided view in this current time that the whole world should be a "safe space". It isn't. Unfortunately. We don't live in a fluffy, sterile world.

We just have to teach our sons and daughters how best to navigate it.

What he did was inappropriate. But on the scale of inappropriateness, i don't think it hits the 'police' territory. It won't foster resilience or how to deal with unwanted attention for your daughter either.

He was however, in employment. He should know better. Therefore he acted in an unprofessional manner , and it caused emotional impact for your daughter. That should be flagged up to the most senior person employed there to pass on and deal with. He may well think twice before being smoochy with young women/girls, or he might be gotten rid of. It's their problem to deal with if you flag it

Original poster
Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:34

Tbh I think most adult men should know that it's completely inappropriate to touch a teenage girl that he works with, whether he's trying to be supportive or not! And telling her that " he's her number one" is just plain weird. She has quit tonight, she messaged the owner but didn't give that as a reason. She doesn't want to confront him, and I'm not going to make her. I will speak to the owner myself in person and make her aware. I was just unsure if it would be a police matter, given her age, although unfortunately my first thought was that it not.

OP posts:
toomanyseasonsinoneday · 17/04/2025 00:35

Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:24

Police wont do anything. Its not illegal to touch someone's shoulder, and waist it depends on context - but also highly unlikely. From the man's perspective he might be trying to be extra reassuring and not have any idea he is doing this. Perhaps he sees her as young and wants to take her under his wing. Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

Unfortunately this is the shit side of being a woman. I'd probably encourage her to speak up to the owner and mention it. Or quit and mention this is the reason why she is quitting. I would then talk to her about advocating for herself and letting others know she has clear boundaries and she has a right to expect these to be respected etc...

Edited

It is sexual harassment, regardless of the man's intentions. It is how it is perceived. And it only has to happen once, it does need to be numerous times. Please educate yourself regarding the definition of sexual harassment. OP please advocate for your daughter and put in a formal complaint to the workplace. He may have done this before. Hope your daughter is ok, because this behaviour is not.

Redfloralduvet · 17/04/2025 00:36

At least she understands this is unacceptable behaviour and has quit to keep herself safe. That's something.

To reply to a post use the quote button under it, to reply to a poster use the @ function or put stars around their name, without gaps, to bold it.

Redfloralduvet · 17/04/2025 00:37

Oh, it worked even with gaps. This is the star: *

Original poster
Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:37

Thank you, I will absolutely advocate for my daughter and do not accept that some men just don't know how to behave. I'm f**king fuming tbh and really upset for her. I'm sorry to other people that have experienced this sort of behaviour too. It's shitty and not okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:39

Redfloralduvet · 17/04/2025 00:36

At least she understands this is unacceptable behaviour and has quit to keep herself safe. That's something.

To reply to a post use the quote button under it, to reply to a poster use the @ function or put stars around their name, without gaps, to bold it.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:39

toomanyseasonsinoneday · 17/04/2025 00:35

It is sexual harassment, regardless of the man's intentions. It is how it is perceived. And it only has to happen once, it does need to be numerous times. Please educate yourself regarding the definition of sexual harassment. OP please advocate for your daughter and put in a formal complaint to the workplace. He may have done this before. Hope your daughter is ok, because this behaviour is not.

Show quote history

Yes you are right, but i think there's sexual harassment at work, then there's actually illegal unlawful touching and I'm not sure this qualifies as that. Also wouldn't it terrify the daughter to actually go through that with the police, if she doesn't even want to discuss with the owners why she is quitting. I think it would put her off working near any man forever!

I agree with make a complaint, but I'd involve DD because this is part of growing up and these things do happen in life and your parent isn't always going to be there to complain for you. Talk her through it and involve her and get her to write part of the email/statement.

11thofNever · 17/04/2025 00:43

Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

No they are not, there's not a chance he is touching male colleagues on the waist and shoulders and making them uncomfortable. Please don't make excuses for this behaviour.

LoobyLott · 17/04/2025 01:08

There is this phrase which I have found useful over the years " Get your fucking hands. OFF me"

Jewel52 · 17/04/2025 01:12

11thofNever · 17/04/2025 00:43

Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

No they are not, there's not a chance he is touching male colleagues on the waist and shoulders and making them uncomfortable. Please don't make excuses for this behaviour.

Making excuses for men who are touching up 15 year old girls under the guise that they are just “clueless” is enraging to me. It’s in line with those who think that men sexually assault and rape women just because they’re not loud enough in saying “No”.

Particularly aggravating is the cutesy “Honestly!” Like this is some silly misunderstanding.

No misunderstanding - this is a grown man groping a child . Spare us the cutesy explanation marks and understand how hard this is for a mum to know that her daughter has been touched up in her place of work

sandyhappypeople · 17/04/2025 01:16

Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:34

Tbh I think most adult men should know that it's completely inappropriate to touch a teenage girl that he works with, whether he's trying to be supportive or not! And telling her that " he's her number one" is just plain weird. She has quit tonight, she messaged the owner but didn't give that as a reason. She doesn't want to confront him, and I'm not going to make her. I will speak to the owner myself in person and make her aware. I was just unsure if it would be a police matter, given her age, although unfortunately my first thought was that it not.

Edited

My exh partner knows the owner and got her the job.

I think you should let your ex's partner speak to the owner if at all possible? She organised the job for her so it would be appropriate for them to mention the reason she felt she had to leave.

You putting in a complaint may turn it into a her word against his sort of situation which could easily be batted off with bullshit, if ex's partner speaks to her friend about it may be taken more seriously? And she may appreciate the head up anyway as a courtesy.

She may not want to get involved of course, with it being a friend, but I'd definitely give them the option before you get involved yourself.

toomanyseasonsinoneday · 17/04/2025 01:34

Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:39

Yes you are right, but i think there's sexual harassment at work, then there's actually illegal unlawful touching and I'm not sure this qualifies as that. Also wouldn't it terrify the daughter to actually go through that with the police, if she doesn't even want to discuss with the owners why she is quitting. I think it would put her off working near any man forever!

I agree with make a complaint, but I'd involve DD because this is part of growing up and these things do happen in life and your parent isn't always going to be there to complain for you. Talk her through it and involve her and get her to write part of the email/statement.

Show quote history

Sexual harassment is unlawful. It is a criminal and indictable offence. Stop making excuses for this behaviour.

Yellowsunbeams · 17/04/2025 01:36

My employer once sent thousands of employees to sexual harassment awareness courses. It was not voluntary. This was decades ago but they were determined to stamp out the behaviour. The basic message was that you told the person directly how you felt about the specific behavior so they were in no doubt it was unwelcone. So in your daughter's case, she could say, "When you touch my shoulder and waist, it makes me feel very uncomfortable." Of course if the person continued, management would have stepped in. There is simply no belief in my organisation that this is acceptable behaviour.

He's trying it on with a young person because he suspects she is not going to call him a dirty old pervert or worse. If this was teenage me, my mother would have stormed over there and told him what she thought of his wandering hands and, if she didn't, my dad would have been giving him a very unpleasant time for mauling his little princess.

2021x · 17/04/2025 01:52

Its so hard when you are in that situation, then because you can't stop it you start thinking its your fault.

Its all very well us saying its wrong you should do this blah blah blah, but in the moment you do freeze up. I wonder if its worth her getting some independent help with this, with you and your ex going with support. So an independent grown up can tell her its wrong, here is what you can do, here is what to expect and you guys are all on the same page.

It will happen, but if she has the confidence to respond in the moment then it should stop.