Page 2 | Inappropriate behaviour towards my 15 year old daughter

Jemski39 · 2025-04-16T23:07:36+00:00

Sorry, this probably isn't the correct chat to post but seems to get a lot of traffic and really need advice. My 15 year old daughter has a job as a waitress in a local restaurant. My exh partner knows the owner and got her the job. She told me tonight that she wants to quit, which I am fine with. When she messaged her dad, he was annoyed that she was quitting her job without giving a reason. She became very upset and told me that an older male member of staff there makes her feel really uncomfortable. He asks her questions about her boyfriend and has said things like "don't forget I'm your number one". He has also touched her waist and shoulder numerous times without her consent. She will obviously never be going back there again. But what can I do, if anything? Can I go to the police? I am so upset for her and feel like I've let her down for letting her work there in the first place. I'm going to speak to her dad about it tomorrow.

Trashpalace · 17/04/2025 02:01

2021x · 17/04/2025 01:52

Its so hard when you are in that situation, then because you can't stop it you start thinking its your fault.

Its all very well us saying its wrong you should do this blah blah blah, but in the moment you do freeze up. I wonder if its worth her getting some independent help with this, with you and your ex going with support. So an independent grown up can tell her its wrong, here is what you can do, here is what to expect and you guys are all on the same page.

It will happen, but if she has the confidence to respond in the moment then it should stop.

I love the image of a parent going over there to give this man a dressing down in public and wonder if this would be more effective than any formal complaint.

This man is a kind of bully, he feels entitled makes young women feel uncomfortable because he can and there are no repercussions for him.

Trashpalace · 17/04/2025 02:02

Yellowsunbeams · 17/04/2025 01:36

My employer once sent thousands of employees to sexual harassment awareness courses. It was not voluntary. This was decades ago but they were determined to stamp out the behaviour. The basic message was that you told the person directly how you felt about the specific behavior so they were in no doubt it was unwelcone. So in your daughter's case, she could say, "When you touch my shoulder and waist, it makes me feel very uncomfortable." Of course if the person continued, management would have stepped in. There is simply no belief in my organisation that this is acceptable behaviour.

He's trying it on with a young person because he suspects she is not going to call him a dirty old pervert or worse. If this was teenage me, my mother would have stormed over there and told him what she thought of his wandering hands and, if she didn't, my dad would have been giving him a very unpleasant time for mauling his little princess.

Edited

Oops - was meaning to quote this post!

nomas · 17/04/2025 02:21

Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:24

Police wont do anything. Its not illegal to touch someone's shoulder, and waist it depends on context - but also highly unlikely. From the man's perspective he might be trying to be extra reassuring and not have any idea he is doing this. Perhaps he sees her as young and wants to take her under his wing. Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

Unfortunately this is the shit side of being a woman. I'd probably encourage her to speak up to the owner and mention it. Or quit and mention this is the reason why she is quitting. I would then talk to her about advocating for herself and letting others know she has clear boundaries and she has a right to expect these to be respected etc...

Edited

Seriously, what a load of minimising harassment 🙄

And what do you mean ‘highly unlikely’?

Isawthesigns · 17/04/2025 02:30

I would have loved someone to advocate for me like this at that age. I put up with so much of that rubbish through my life. Such a good standard to maintain and so good for her self worth. 👏

Temporaryanonymity · 17/04/2025 02:46

Of course this can be reported to the police. I skips absolutely report it. This is how men get away with this shit.

k1233 · 17/04/2025 03:11

I have a woman who works for me who touches me and I hate it. I absolutely hate strangers touching me.

You need to teach your daughter how to respond. This will not be the last time someone is inappropriate, particularly if she wants to work in the services industry. Step away and say clearly "please do not touch me".

Hemlocked · 17/04/2025 03:33

It would be worth calling ACAS. They have a free helpline. It may be possible for your daughter to claim constructive dismissal due to sexual harassment. She has basically been forced to leave her job due to this man. As for the male employee, this may be considered gross misconduct and he can be suspended or his contract terminated over this.

Because your daughter is 15 it is also predatory paedophilic behaviour so may be worth mentioning to the police in order to have it logged.

Tbrh · 17/04/2025 03:41

Surely as it's her Dads friend you talk to the Dad who speaks with his friend? Why are you thinking of going to the police? Handle it like an adult and don't throw the friend who likely has no idea about this and did you a favour under the bus

JustMyView13 · 17/04/2025 03:55

If she wants to assert herself in that situation, I’m assuming this man is older, she can simply say:
Stop touching me. It is inappropriate and unwanted. Is this clear? (And she should slightly raise her voice too).

Also, please remind her that if she ever needs to physically defend herself - go for the nut kick & run technique.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 17/04/2025 03:55

Hemlocked · 17/04/2025 03:33

It would be worth calling ACAS. They have a free helpline. It may be possible for your daughter to claim constructive dismissal due to sexual harassment. She has basically been forced to leave her job due to this man. As for the male employee, this may be considered gross misconduct and he can be suspended or his contract terminated over this.

Because your daughter is 15 it is also predatory paedophilic behaviour so may be worth mentioning to the police in order to have it logged.

This I would go through the employer first on my daughter's behalf to ask them to take disciplinary action against this man. He should be sacked. The police if she wants to.

Redfloralduvet · 17/04/2025 04:17

Hemlocked I don't think she has any chance of a constructive dismissal claim when she hasn't raised a complaint with her employer and given them a chance to sort it out. I understand why she has chosen to leave but at this point it is a choice. If her employer fobbed her off, leaving her no other options to make it stop other than leaving, then she'd have grounds for constructive dismissal. Except she probably hasn't been working there 2yrs though and employees generally have very few rights until then, so maybe not.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 17/04/2025 04:24

Redfloralduvet · 17/04/2025 04:17

Hemlocked I don't think she has any chance of a constructive dismissal claim when she hasn't raised a complaint with her employer and given them a chance to sort it out. I understand why she has chosen to leave but at this point it is a choice. If her employer fobbed her off, leaving her no other options to make it stop other than leaving, then she'd have grounds for constructive dismissal. Except she probably hasn't been working there 2yrs though and employees generally have very few rights until then, so maybe not.

She hasn't quit yet. She has told her mum she wants to. She certainly doesn't have to go to work to do her next shift with this man though.

Jasmine222 · 17/04/2025 05:13

Similar things happened to me when I was young, comments at work from a much older man like "Do you have a boyfriend? Let me know if you guys break up wink wink"... touching my arm, winking at me, etc. I think the best thing you can do apart from reporting it (obviously), is advise your daughter on how to respond, because you never know when she'll come across some creep and they usually target people who are young, shy, vulnerable... it could help her in the future to learn to be assertive. A while ago in a fairly empty park some old guy came up to me, stood far too close to me and started telling me I had a nice smile. I got really angry and yelled "Don't you dare harrass me" loudly. He backed off and looked taken aback, I think he was expecting me to freeze and get anxious and I was proud of myself for shouting at him. Don't take this as me blaming her for not being assertive, it's really hard to know how to respond, especially at age 15, I really feel for her and I remember how creeped out I used to feel when that kind of thing happened to me and you should definitely report it. I'm just saying it's empowering to have confidence and assertivity at age 40 that I didn't have aged 20 and I wish I could help as many young girls as possible to have more confidence than I used to have.

OhWhistle · 17/04/2025 05:26

She's underage. Report.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 17/04/2025 05:37

11thofNever · 17/04/2025 00:43

Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

No they are not, there's not a chance he is touching male colleagues on the waist and shoulders and making them uncomfortable. Please don't make excuses for this behaviour.

Aye lay money he's not touching Billy the barman.
He shouldn't be touching her full stop , creepy bastard touching a child.

Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 05:37

Poor girl. I used to work in a taxi office with 3 old men when I was 16. The owner was clearly a predator, he used to drive us to the coast skipping school, gave us copious amounts of wine (that was pre pregnancy for me). One day when driving me home at 3am after a shift he put his hand down my trousers. I was 7 months pregnant at that point. He pretended to be touching the bump. My dad went to tell him I had quit the next day, but I never told my parents the real reason, just that I was too tired being pregnant. His wife had a go at my dad as it meant her pervert husband had to go into work that evening on his one day off. I felt quite bad about that. He is long dead now. I have a 17yr old DD and i’d never let her work in a place like that, but guess the early 90’s were a different time. I don’t recall my parents ever checking I was ok working late at night with these old men. To be fair the other 2 were fine, never said or did anything inappropriate. Just the owner.

GiroJim100 · 17/04/2025 05:49

It’s obviously really creepy and inappropriate behaviour. She’s probably best off reporting it to her employers as she’s unlikely to be the only woman he’s tried this on with.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 17/04/2025 06:06

She's 15. As a parent I'd be asking why my child was being sexually harassed in the work place.

itbemay1 · 17/04/2025 06:12

SquashedMallow · 17/04/2025 00:33

We have this misguided view in this current time that the whole world should be a "safe space". It isn't. Unfortunately. We don't live in a fluffy, sterile world.

We just have to teach our sons and daughters how best to navigate it.

What he did was inappropriate. But on the scale of inappropriateness, i don't think it hits the 'police' territory. It won't foster resilience or how to deal with unwanted attention for your daughter either.

He was however, in employment. He should know better. Therefore he acted in an unprofessional manner , and it caused emotional impact for your daughter. That should be flagged up to the most senior person employed there to pass on and deal with. He may well think twice before being smoochy with young women/girls, or he might be gotten rid of. It's their problem to deal with if you flag it

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This. 100%

Temporaryanonymity · 17/04/2025 06:37

I’m absolutely amazed how many people don’t see this as something to report to the police. At what point do you think men cross a line? Do we have to put up with predatory behaviour against a child and excuse it until what point? Who knows what else this guy is doing.

Some of you sound like you are living in the 70s in terms of your outlook.

TheaBrandt1 · 17/04/2025 06:38

Why is this thread full of handmaidens like huffle making pathetic excuses for this adult male lech? 🙄

I would report to the employer definitely at least.

Dd1 has worked since she was 14 the first cafe was run by my friends Dh so that was fine. Second a restaurant with a really good young male manager female staff treated with respect and unquestionally defended by management if a customer became difficult. Dd was really happy there. So this doesn’t have to happen.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/04/2025 06:40

She shouldn't have to quit to be safe.
Speaking up means he gets reprimanded and it doesn't happen to anyone else.

She loses out on a job whilst he carries on earning and behaving the same way.

What happens if similar employee at her next place, she can't keep quiting, but you have to build up her confidence to stand up against men like him, because unfortunately, they're everywhere.

Californianpoppy · 17/04/2025 06:43

It would be interesting to see some of the responses if this was a male teacher and 15vyr old student. Most men I know go out of their way NOT to appear as though their behaviour towards young girls were inappropriate.

Yes, you just took it as part and parcel of working with men back when we were teenagers, and yes you learned to shimmy away or deflect comments, but we shouldn't have had to then and shouldn't have to now.

YourFairCyanReader · 17/04/2025 06:55

Your exh's partner should want to know about this and to take steps with the man responsible to ensure he doesn't do it again.
Employers now have to take reasonable steps to prevent serial harassment at work, never mind deal with it when it happens.
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-protections-from-sexual-harassment-come-into-force

New protections from sexual harassment come into force

Employers now have a legal duty to take reasonable steps to prevent sexual harassment and create a safe working environment.

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-protections-from-sexual-harassment-come-into-force

Landlubber2019 · 17/04/2025 07:03

I would be urging your daughter to raise a complaint. She understands this isn't acceptable and she shouldn't walk away from a job without first raising this with her employers.