Inappropriate behaviour towards my 15 year old daughter

[Jemski39]

Sorry, this probably isn't the correct chat to post but seems to get a lot of traffic and really need advice. My 15 year old daughter has a job as a waitress in a local restaurant. My exh partner knows the owner and got her the job. She told me tonight that she wants to quit, which I am fine with. When she messaged her dad, he was annoyed that she was quitting her job without giving a reason. She became very upset and told me that an older male member of staff there makes her feel really uncomfortable. He asks her questions about her boyfriend and has said things like "don't forget I'm your number one". He has also touched her waist and shoulder numerous times without her consent. She will obviously never be going back there again. But what can I do, if anything? Can I go to the police? I am so upset for her and feel like I've let her down for letting her work there in the first place. I'm going to speak to her dad about it tomorrow.

Because she is a child and he is an adult male. It's my ex husbands, partner that knows the owner, not him. But even if it was him, I don't think it gives this man the right to behave this my towards my daughter!

Mistakenly calling your colleague by the wrong name is awkward. Accidentally spilling coffee on their desk is also awkward. What happened to the OP’s underage daughter in the workplace was not awkward—she was subjected to sexual harassment and assault.

It’s because of people like you, who downplay such behavior, that many victims don’t report it and continue to suffer in silence. Frankly, I think it’s you who needs to get a grip.

Thank you x

It is good that she recognizes the inappropriateness of this behaviour and has voted with her feet and talked with you about it. I hope she will feel able to let you speak to the owner, on the grounds that this guy might do this to others.

When I was a similar age many years ago I had a holiday job in an Italian ice cream parlour on a seaside pier and the staff used to pinch my bum .... hmmm ....

Of course I have spoken to her about how to respond if someone is inappropriate, but obviously she hasn't felt able too. Nobody knows how they act until something actually happens. She said he does it in a "jokey" way. She is quite a shy person and part of the reason she took the job is to improve her confidence.

This was my worry too, she is a child. There are a few young girls that work there.

The thing is, this sadly probably won't be the last time she encounters inappropriate behaviour in the workplace and as she gets older and in a proper career job, she won't just be able to quit.

So although it's understandable to walk away at 15 from a part time job in a small place with no HR to support a complaint her, it is an opportunity for the Op to talk to her DD about how to handle these sorts of situations in future, with formal complaints where necessary.

Women shouldn't have to deal with this shit at work or learn these lessons, but it feels like it will never stop as there will always be lecherous men abusing their power.

Edited to add. As she is under 15 she is a minor and I would like to think the police would take a complaint about sexual harassment by an older man seriously.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Don't be ridiculous.

I suggested the OP taught her daughter how to handle it & not just quit her job. She should have reported it to the manager if it made her uncomfortable not just quit her job.

But yeah, I also do not agree that being touched on the shoulder is sexual assault.

This sort of behaviour was all too common years ago when I was a young girl working for pocket money. Back then you just shrugged it off and ignored it but I appreciate times are very different now.
He probably meant no offence but it would benefit him for the future to be spoken to and informed about the inappropriate manner he's behaving in and the impact it had on your daughter. On the other hand he may be a sleezeball so needs to be told in no uncertain terms by his employer to back off.

Perhaps help your daughter to undersrand that if somebody touches her she is absolutely right to say "please don't touch me, it makes me feel uncomfortable".

I was in a situation as a teenager where somebody was most definitely touching me inappropriately. It took a lot to say it but it stopped it in it's tracks.

Of course it doesn't. I'm just saying it would be unfair to go behind the owners back straight to the to the police. At least give the person a heads up.

@Tbrh didn't say it the behaviour was ok.

No one is saying it's ok, people are giving suggestions on what you do next as you asked.

Not everyone will have identical advice, if the advice given doesn't work for you, ignore and focus on what works.

Thanks for all the replies. I am going to talk to my daughter again this morning and then speak to her dad. I am also going to speak to the manager of the restaurant and get advice from my friend who is a detective and has worked in child protection.
My daughter shouldn't have to leave her job because of this, but that is her choice. She took the job to improve her confidence and it has sadly done the opposite. His behaviour is inappropriate and I won't minimise it and I won't just leave it. It is not okay to behave like this, and he shouldn't be touching anyone. Especially an underage child.

Had he only touched her shoulder OPs daughter might not have thought twice, but he hasn’t only touched her shoulder. He might have also wished her a good morning, does that mean any other behaviour can be ignored?

She is a child that felt uncomfortable, it’s great saying how she should have handled it but she doesn’t have the life experience. I do have life experience and thought I would tell someone where to go if they did something like this but when it happened at work it took months of it building up before I dared speak out. Not once did I tell him myself to stop touching me because I froze everytime.

She's 15, not five, she needs to be taught how to handle unwanted attention, irrespective of where it takes place.

This! I wish I'd been brave/equipped enough to say something as it happened a lot when I was growing up.
Jobs, school, in the street, night clubs etc.
Some men think it's acceptable and once I began saying something, it gave me a confidence boost I'd lacked for far too long.

Some can never speak up unfortunately, but for those who could, it's good to get their confidence up so they can.

I was a teen in the 70’s and being groped by older men was standard. It was utterly vile and I find it sad and sickening that young girls are still being treated in this way. Touched up by lecherous, usually much older, men for their sexual gratification and power is utterly abhorrent and needs to be addressed. I am confident enough now that I would speak to the lech face to face on behalf of my daughter.
I understand OP that your daughter has had this job ruined for her but really she shouldn’t have to lose her job, the sleaze ball should.
Any chance your dd could work on different days to him and therefore not have to see him again?

Unfair!? How!?

Yes but not all 15 year olds are confident enough to speak up.Also it should not be happening in the first place.

I would argue that it’s unfair that a creepy old
man is making a 15 year old uncomfortable and would prioritise that over the owners feelings. I would also let the owner know but for all anyone knows he is known to the police for this or worse behaviour and OP could be protecting both her DD and other children in the future.

Yep, definitely her at fault for not shutting this down when she’s fifteen and he’s an adult.

Ridiculous really to have an expectation that men could go about their daily work without getting handsy with minors.

And touching isn’t “unwanted attention”, it’s sexual harassment.

Exactly

Sexual assault is when someone touches you sexually without your permission, using an object or a part of their body. This can involve any part of the body.

This link should help you better understand the concept:
https://reportandsupport.sheffield.ac.uk/support/what-is-sexual-assault

Once again, you've minimised the situation. He didn’t just touch her shoulder — he also touched her waist.

He is an opportunistic sexual predator. He knows what he is doing. Definitely report him.