Inappropriate behaviour towards my 15 year old daughter

[Jemski39]

Sorry, this probably isn't the correct chat to post but seems to get a lot of traffic and really need advice. My 15 year old daughter has a job as a waitress in a local restaurant. My exh partner knows the owner and got her the job. She told me tonight that she wants to quit, which I am fine with. When she messaged her dad, he was annoyed that she was quitting her job without giving a reason. She became very upset and told me that an older male member of staff there makes her feel really uncomfortable. He asks her questions about her boyfriend and has said things like "don't forget I'm your number one". He has also touched her waist and shoulder numerous times without her consent. She will obviously never be going back there again. But what can I do, if anything? Can I go to the police? I am so upset for her and feel like I've let her down for letting her work there in the first place. I'm going to speak to her dad about it tomorrow.

I'm sorry but are you okay? She has been taught this but didn't feel able to speak up to him. Instead she has told me, her mum. Because she knows that it is wrong and that I will protect her. Almost sounds like you're blaming her for not saying something to him directly.

And the whole point of the touch on the shoulder; accidental on the waist, is so he can step away and say he didn't mean it. Just like those blokes who would stand so close to the hatch by the bar that you'd have to squeeze psst. "Oh, sorry love, am I in the way?" Dh was a bar man in his youth. He never had to squeeze past anyone.

And as for she should be able to speak up... she's 15. I know a lot of teenagers. Even the bolshiest ones are different in work. Which is why we protect children.

She (not you) needs to write a formal letter of resignation to the restaurant and state exactly why she is going.
This is not a police matter but yes, it’s creepy and the man needs to be dealt with.

So if a teacher did it, you wouldn't say go to the police? At what age do we make children responsible for seeing off child sexual predators? At what age is grooming no longer an offence?
"Remember I'm your number one" after asking about her boyfriend could be seen as the start of grooming. I'd email the police for advice. This man is dangerous.

I would give the owner the heads up, if the police are going to attend. One day there'll be a girl who hasn't got anyone behind her and he'd take advantage of that.

Why isn't it a police matter?
Do you know the laws around inappropriate behaviour?, grooming? Engaging in sexual behaviour? (Which includes talking about what she might be up to with her boyfriend, which you can put money on was coming next).

Well, that’s exactly what’s happening here. She knows to speak up, she’s done it, spoken to her mum, who is reinforcing her understanding that he was in the wrong to do this. Her mum is working on next steps and she’ll learn from this how to deal with this sort of situation.

If you can't figure that out, I can't really explain it to you.

People can't even secure rape convictions....

It's all very well advertising these laws , but being able to prove them and convict is a whole other matter.

We're living in unusual times where instead of our first thought being "hey !I'll deal with this !" It's "I'll report this !" Which translates to = a parental figure (the police) can deal with this. It infantalises us all. We're so used to feel indignant that a "wrong" occured and are searching for the nearest "mummy/daddy" to sort it out. I'm sorry, that's how I see It.

Some things (not all) are best dealt with by our selves as a first line.

Report to management? Definitely!

Report to police ? Not so sure about that one

Sometimes a warning shot needs to be fired off before getting the big guns out.

She is a child! What is wrong with you?

Exactly this is a situation that a lot women would struggle with let alone a fifteen year old girl.
She needs mum's help and hopefully this will set her in good stead for the future.

I'd go and have a chat to the police and obviously your daughter hands in her resignation via email, explaining why.

Infantilising an individual is such a non-risk. This girl is underage. Who knows how far his age range extends. Who knows what behaviour he is enabling towards other children. It's obviously a police matter. A man like this working in hospitality/tourism is a weak link in the safeguarding chain at the very least. Sounds like a great pub for groomers to hang out in and discuss their strategy or sick thrills without getting caught by the jolly staff.

There's nothing wrong with me.

She's 15, it's an age where she needs to learn how to handle unwanted attention and reporting it to her manager is a good lesson to learn. She shouldn't be losing out on opportunities in life when she can learn to do things like tell her manager so she doesn't walk away from an opportunity.

I disagree that she's learning from this, at least she's not learning what I would be teaching her.

Her mum talking about telling the police because she was touched on the shoulder it's not the lesson I'd be teaching.

It would be far more useful for her to be taught that reporting to the correct person (i.e. her manager) & having them deal with him, while she keeps HER job is the lesson I'd be wanting her to learn. Not giving opportunities in her own life.

Well, for starters, a teacher is in a completely different position than a coworker. You can't possibly compare the two.

But even if the teacher touched her shoulder I would be going through the school if she felt uncomfortable, not the police.

I think it's a massive overreaction to call it sexual abuse when he's touched her shoulder.

In less than a year she will be old enough to legally have sex, I don't think repeatedly calling her a child is very helpful in this situation. It's not like she's 5/10 and many girls her age are already having sex.

I don't see the advantage to calling her a child as opposed to teaching her how to deal with unwanted attention.

if she's old enough to be working in a restaurant, she's old enough to be dealing with stupid comments like 'remember I'm your number one'. There is no value in wrapping her up and cotton wool at 15, if she doesn't have the attitude to effectively tell him to fuck off 'yeah right' ' I don't think so Gramps' or whatever, she needs to be helped to learn, treating her like a five-year-old is not going to help her deal with the real world.

Yes, I'm perfectly okay, thank you.

i'm not blaming you or her for anything, I'm simply saying that she's 15 not 5 & needs to learn how to navigate the world around her, she should have been told to tell her manager and get it dealt with, not to just walk away from her job. Why should she give up her job and this opportunity because he is making her feel uncomfortable?

she only told you because her dad was giving her grief for quitting for no reason.

You have said she will obviously not be going back... I personally disagree with that because it's her job and her opportunity and he is the one that needs to be spoken to by the management. Why should she lose out on the opportunity???

you said you felt guilty because you let her work there in the first place, in my opinion that's ridiculous. She's 15, there's no reason she shouldn't have a part-time job in a restaurant.

It's a shame she didn't feel able to tell you the first time something happened that made her feel uncomfortable and it's a shame you didn't encourage her to tell her manager

This is my opinion, you don't have to agree, but you did ask for opinions.

It would be helpful to know the age of the man in question also. By older that could mean a youngster age 16 to 20 as well. If as an example it was a lad of 19, learning to navigate flirting like this from your peers is common sense.

He's not just touching her shoulder though, he's touching her waist and making inappropriate remarks TO A CHILD. Children her age may be having sex, she may only be a year off age of consent but she is still a child.

I wss a 17 year old who was groped and had inappropriate remarks made to me by a much older co worker. I didn't have the confidence to tell him to fuck off because it wss my first experience of being in a workplace, I was worried about not being believed and he was much older than me. I wish I'd had told my parents about it because damn right they would have helped me in the same way that the OP is looking to do - and I was 17!

No one should be putting up with sexual harassment in a workplace and certainly not a child.

How patronising, do you feel better for it?

So many comments, so to answer a few - she is a child, that's why I'm referring to her as one. No, she shouldn't have to quit her job, but that is her choice. I'm not going to force her to work somewhere that she feels uncomfortable. We teach our children to speak to an adult they trust if anything happens to them that they feel uncomfortable with, which she has done. I am not wrapping her up in cotton wool, I'm supporting her and advocating for her. Which is my job as her parent. The man in question is in his 50's, which is quite frankly disgusting. He didn't "just" touch her shoulder, he has repeatedly touched her around her waist and made comments that make her feel uncomfortable. The real issue here is that there are adult men that feel they have the right to behave in this way. I have spoken to her boss, who was horrified and agreed that his behaviour is totally inappropriate - she is going to deal with this. I have also spoke to my friend who is a detective in the police for advice, she confirmed my concerns and said that he is potentially a risk to young girls and although the police can't do anything, I should absolutely speak to her boss. My eldest daughter has spoken to her friend that previously worked there, and had similar experiences with this man. She left her job for the same reason, but without telling an adult. So there is a pattern here, which is not acceptable.

Can't believe posters above thinking that being harassed is an 'opportunity' and a teachable moment. Do they not understand trauma responses that kick in at an animal level. The young woman's brain is getting rewired. Hence the hesitancy in telling. Fight flight freeze fawn and flop are all trauma responses; they don't come out in order.

Life is not merely a series of personal improvement situations.

Smash the patriarchy. That doesn't mean, hate men. It means investigate incidents like this fully, and change the culture.

It means teach the child not to be a 'hero' acting alone against an adult, but draw on the systems that exist, bring the abuse into the open for collective awareness, and know that officers of law and justice exist for a reason.

Actions have consequences that aren't 1 on 1. We are part of society. This man damages our social fabric by preying on a female child trying to enter the world of work. The child can learn that society will or should respond.

@Jemski39 You honestly sound like a fab mum, your daughter is lucky to have you in her support network and as an example to follow.

I can’t believe the direction some of these comments have gone in. But I am at least now clear how peado’s and nonces exist in plain sight. Because it seems they have an immense support network willing to justify their actions. Everything starts somewhere and if women don’t stand up to creeps like this, it escalates. And they’re asked why they didn’t say something before. Cycle repeat.

I really hope that with your support, your daughter and her friend will feel able to talk to the restaurant manager, and that she'll contact previous girls/young women employees with the goal to sack this fucker.

When I was in my early 20s we had a similar twat asking nearly all young women creepy questions. We teamed up, told a manager, and they got rid of him. Strength in numbers - just look at the fallout of Al Fayed/Harrods that is finally happening.

I'm surprised that your friend says the police can't do anything though? Surely they'd be interested in talking to a man who routinely touches children without their consent and makes sexual-adjacent comments to them?

OP, I am not sure at all what the police can do, but they might call to speak to him and tell him a complaint has been made against him and his behaviour and it has been duly noted.

That alone would no doubt mortify him.
Hard to believe the owner isn't aware of the scuzball they are employing.

They have the responsibility for their employees safety, most especially that of minors.

Id be talking to the manager and suggest he puts his adult staff through a safe guarding or other course about appropriate behaviour in the work place.