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Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour towards my 15 year old daughter

179 replies

Jemski39 · 17/04/2025 00:07

Sorry, this probably isn't the correct chat to post but seems to get a lot of traffic and really need advice. My 15 year old daughter has a job as a waitress in a local restaurant. My exh partner knows the owner and got her the job. She told me tonight that she wants to quit, which I am fine with. When she messaged her dad, he was annoyed that she was quitting her job without giving a reason. She became very upset and told me that an older male member of staff there makes her feel really uncomfortable. He asks her questions about her boyfriend and has said things like "don't forget I'm your number one". He has also touched her waist and shoulder numerous times without her consent. She will obviously never be going back there again. But what can I do, if anything? Can I go to the police? I am so upset for her and feel like I've let her down for letting her work there in the first place. I'm going to speak to her dad about it tomorrow.

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 17/04/2025 07:12

I think it is worth telling the police. They might not charge him but two uniformed officers coming around to ‘have a word’ will put the fear of god into the creep like nothing else.

AlisounOfBath · 17/04/2025 07:28

Not exactly advice but when this happened at the pub I worked at (15 year old pot washer), the girl’s very no-nonsense dad went round and thumped the offender. He didn’t do it again.

Your poor DD. I feel for her.

Brunts12 · 17/04/2025 07:29

Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:24

Police wont do anything. Its not illegal to touch someone's shoulder, and waist it depends on context - but also highly unlikely. From the man's perspective he might be trying to be extra reassuring and not have any idea he is doing this. Perhaps he sees her as young and wants to take her under his wing. Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

Unfortunately this is the shit side of being a woman. I'd probably encourage her to speak up to the owner and mention it. Or quit and mention this is the reason why she is quitting. I would then talk to her about advocating for herself and letting others know she has clear boundaries and she has a right to expect these to be respected etc...

Edited

You are incorrect.
This is very much is sexual abuse/ assault. Sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person's body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person's consent.
They are absolutely not clueless, they know very well what they are doing 🙄

OP speak to 101 and see what they advise, don’t let in slide.

rebmacesrevda · 17/04/2025 07:31

Please report to police. He may be on the sex offenders register already, in which case they’d definitely be interested to hear he’s targeting children. Your daughter is safe, but his next target might be too scared to say no to him.

Brunts12 · 17/04/2025 07:37

OP, the employer would need to be informed too. Remind them about the recent legislation (from October 2024) regarding sexual harassment in work place, where employers have a legal duty to take reasonable steps to prevent sexual harassment and create a safe working environment, which in this case they’ve failed to do so.

Humpsr · 17/04/2025 07:40

My daughter has just started her first waitressing job at 17.
It is great that your daughter has spoken to you.
This is a very serious matter.
He should not have touched your daughter.
He absolutely was testing her.
Men know fxxking well they should not be doing that.
Tell the owner.
Tell her father.
Call 101 and ask for advice.
I would tell the owner you have spoken to the police.
Apoplectic is what I would be in your place.
Your poor poor pet.
I know my resilient 17 year old would be upset too.
Absolutely awful that she feels driven from the job.
We would be so upset for her if it was our daughter.
There is NO excuse for this.

Funnily enough she told me that the manager groups the employees with their age group which is interesting.

Maray1967 · 17/04/2025 07:42

Zanatdy · 17/04/2025 05:37

Poor girl. I used to work in a taxi office with 3 old men when I was 16. The owner was clearly a predator, he used to drive us to the coast skipping school, gave us copious amounts of wine (that was pre pregnancy for me). One day when driving me home at 3am after a shift he put his hand down my trousers. I was 7 months pregnant at that point. He pretended to be touching the bump. My dad went to tell him I had quit the next day, but I never told my parents the real reason, just that I was too tired being pregnant. His wife had a go at my dad as it meant her pervert husband had to go into work that evening on his one day off. I felt quite bad about that. He is long dead now. I have a 17yr old DD and i’d never let her work in a place like that, but guess the early 90’s were a different time. I don’t recall my parents ever checking I was ok working late at night with these old men. To be fair the other 2 were fine, never said or did anything inappropriate. Just the owner.

Edited

On the other hand, I worked in a shop in the early 90s and one lunchtime in the staff room a bloke leaned across and rubbed my knee. The deputy manager (male) witnessed it and ordered him into the office and gave him a verbal warning. When he did something similar a couple of weeks later thinking no one else was in sight my floor manager saw it (also male) and he then got a formal written warning. Other female staff then said he’d done similar. The manager was very concerned about whether he’d done something to the Saturday girl who was 16 - apparently not.

This behaviour was regarded as wholly unacceptable thirty years ago. OP needs to talk to the owner about what has happened. I would insist on him receiving disciplinary action or I’d go there and bollock him myself.

LoopyLou94 · 17/04/2025 07:43

Creepy as fuck. I'd go to the police.

Blinkyy · 17/04/2025 07:45

I would see if she can speak to the boss and mention sexual assault is a police matter. Good practice for her to handle this herself.

Okthenguys · 17/04/2025 07:46

I don’t think I would be able to stop myself marching into the cafe and tearing him a new one. He knows exactly what he is doing. I’m so sorry OP - agree with PP that the manager needs to be made aware.

Tbrh · 17/04/2025 07:47

TheaBrandt1 · 17/04/2025 06:38

Why is this thread full of handmaidens like huffle making pathetic excuses for this adult male lech? 🙄

I would report to the employer definitely at least.

Dd1 has worked since she was 14 the first cafe was run by my friends Dh so that was fine. Second a restaurant with a really good young male manager female staff treated with respect and unquestionally defended by management if a customer became difficult. Dd was really happy there. So this doesn’t have to happen.

Absolutely report to the employer, but I'm shocked at all the people who want to go over the owners head and go to the police. Talk about blind-sighting someone who has done you a favour. In my late teens I worked with an older man who was similar, he obviously got away with it far into his 60s and proved forever so I hope the guy is nailed and fired, or at least learns that its unacceptable and stops thinking he'll get away with it

ViciousCurrentBun · 17/04/2025 07:48

I had the touching the waist issue when I was volunteering, he would come up behind me so I had no idea he was there. I’m in my fifties, he was in his sixties. I told the man doing it to stop. On the third instance I reported him to the volunteer coordinator. They spoke to him and it didn’t happen again but I felt uncomfortable so left. They did inform the safe guarding officer who spoke to me about it. My friends DS is a police officer and said it actually is an offence and I could have reported him to them. She is actually a child which makes it so much worse.

RealEagle · 17/04/2025 07:50

Similar Happened to my daughter years ago she was 16 at the time ,I went to her place of work told them she won’t be back and told the owner what a fucking creep he was perving over young girls and said your lucky it’s not her dad who’s here.I still remember his scared pathetic face .But seriously I was glad my daughter could tell me.

Teenybub · 17/04/2025 07:58

Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:24

Police wont do anything. Its not illegal to touch someone's shoulder, and waist it depends on context - but also highly unlikely. From the man's perspective he might be trying to be extra reassuring and not have any idea he is doing this. Perhaps he sees her as young and wants to take her under his wing. Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

Unfortunately this is the shit side of being a woman. I'd probably encourage her to speak up to the owner and mention it. Or quit and mention this is the reason why she is quitting. I would then talk to her about advocating for herself and letting others know she has clear boundaries and she has a right to expect these to be respected etc...

Edited

Nobody has the right to touch another person. Are you honestly saying a grown adult touching a child’s waist might not be aware of what they are doing. Or his strange comments about being her number one, why would you want to be a child’s number one?

Ive managed 10 years working with teenagers and I can confidently say I have never, ever touched any of their waists because it is weird and predatory. I have also never made them feel uncomfortable with comparing me to their girlfriends or boyfriends.

Why are you so accepting of sexual harassment?

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 17/04/2025 08:00

He knows exactly what he's doing.
Every woman and girl who's worked in service industries knows.
I work in public transport and sometimes my staff get sexually harassed. Admittedly they aren't 15 but I am right in there, shouting at the top of my lungs, asking if they truly believe their behaviour is appropriate. I wear a body worn camera, and DGAF.
I'd tell all of your daughter's family and they can go to this restaurant to "have a word" with this creep.
The police won't do shit. Women and girls have to mete out their own justice, unfortunately.

Ughouchargh · 17/04/2025 08:00

She's a child and this type of touching, especially as accompanied by the comments, could fall under Indecent Assault. If she wants to go to the police then I'd support her to.
A bit disappointing to see some posts that minimise adult men harassing children.

Sierra26 · 17/04/2025 08:10

Please do say something to the employer.

I and my colleagues had similar experiences as 14-16yos working in a pub restaraunt (mid 2000s), but from the regular customers rather than the staff. We told the owners, they didn’t care as the culprits were regulars. One got barred after physically assaulting one of my colleagues but he was back a few months later.

I’d be cat-called and have things shouted at me like prostitute. I was tall and looked older than I was, which often made me feel shy and self conscious at the best of times. I didn’t know how to bite back or respond to their comments or leers so I would just go red and quiet, giving them more ammunition to tease me.

We would ask not to have to go through the main bar area to deliver food where the worst customers sat, but were told we had to. I was petrified doing so but was left assuming this was normal adult behaviour that I had to learn to tolerate.

It definitely affected how I thought men should be allowed to treat me as a teen and young adult. But in later years it gave me the fuel to better stick up for myself and others when needed.

The owners and older employees (some middle aged women) knew full well how old I was and didn’t protect me or stick up for me - this is the worse bit. I’m also sure I told my parents but I don’t think they themselves really appreciated that it was inappropriate.

Supersimkin7 · 17/04/2025 08:13

Tell the owner she’s leaving and why.

Seventree · 17/04/2025 08:19

Hufflemuff · 17/04/2025 00:24

Police wont do anything. Its not illegal to touch someone's shoulder, and waist it depends on context - but also highly unlikely. From the man's perspective he might be trying to be extra reassuring and not have any idea he is doing this. Perhaps he sees her as young and wants to take her under his wing. Some guys are just so clueless about how they come across! Honestly!

Unfortunately this is the shit side of being a woman. I'd probably encourage her to speak up to the owner and mention it. Or quit and mention this is the reason why she is quitting. I would then talk to her about advocating for herself and letting others know she has clear boundaries and she has a right to expect these to be respected etc...

Edited

This is such a bizarre take. No, it's probably not a police matter, but no decent man thinks touching a 15 year olds waist and telling her he's her number one is appropriate.

Acting as if men are poor misguided souls doesn't help anyone.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 17/04/2025 08:20

Jewel52 · 17/04/2025 01:12

Making excuses for men who are touching up 15 year old girls under the guise that they are just “clueless” is enraging to me. It’s in line with those who think that men sexually assault and rape women just because they’re not loud enough in saying “No”.

Particularly aggravating is the cutesy “Honestly!” Like this is some silly misunderstanding.

No misunderstanding - this is a grown man groping a child . Spare us the cutesy explanation marks and understand how hard this is for a mum to know that her daughter has been touched up in her place of work

Show quote history

'Touching up' 'groping'

get a grip, he touched her shoulder & waist.

@Jemski39 you need to teach her how to deal with any unwanted behaviour, not to just quit a job when anything awkward happens.

Member869894 · 17/04/2025 08:26

That's awful. Your poor daughter. At least she knows it's not right which is positive. I would look for a local assertiveness course for her to teach her how to deal with creeps like him who rely on the embarrassment and confusion they cause by sexually harassing someone in this way.

SheridansPortSalut · 17/04/2025 08:36

"From the man's perspective he might be trying to be extra reassuring and not have any idea he is doing this"

Asking about her boyfriend and saying he's her number 1? He knows exactly what he's doing.

Newmumhere40 · 17/04/2025 08:38

Tbrh · 17/04/2025 03:41

Surely as it's her Dads friend you talk to the Dad who speaks with his friend? Why are you thinking of going to the police? Handle it like an adult and don't throw the friend who likely has no idea about this and did you a favour under the bus

What a ridiculous comment.

RealEagle · 17/04/2025 08:42

SpringIsSpringing25 · 17/04/2025 08:20

'Touching up' 'groping'

get a grip, he touched her shoulder & waist.

@Jemski39 you need to teach her how to deal with any unwanted behaviour, not to just quit a job when anything awkward happens.

Show quote history

She’s 15 ffs why should she be made to feel uncomfortable at work,As she gets older she prob will learn to speak up for herself but she’s still a kid .