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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS go on a scouts trip so DH and I can have a weekend to ourselves

234 replies

JambonetFromage · 16/04/2025 07:12

It’s finally happened! 8 years of parenting with no family help and both our DC have been invited to away overnight at the same time on respective cubs/scouts trips. Giving DH and I the glorious prospect of a child-free weekend.

But DS 8 doesn’t want go. He is scared of spending the night away - he is been on a previous camp and been scared at night time and didn’t sleep well.

The scouts group he is with is brilliant and organises the most fantastic trips with loads of activities. Going on camps are really the whole point of scouting. So I’m really keen for DS to attend for his own benefit, because I think he will get a lot out of it.

But I would also really really like a weekend with DH!

Would I be unreasonable to talk DS into going on the trip?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 16/04/2025 07:14

You should try to get him to go, for his sake not yours. You'll end up with a 'snowflake' if he can opt out of things that are a bit difficult.

Sometimeswinning · 16/04/2025 07:20

He’s 8. I wouldn’t send my 9 year old if she was scared/worried. I would however, spend time convincing her to push herself to go.

DUsername · 16/04/2025 07:20

Of course you won't end up with a 'snowflake" if you allow your 8 year old to miss one Scout camp. That's ridiculous.

Could you address his fear by suggesting things that could help him sleep this time? A lavender spray on his pillow or a new toy to take or something. I totally get you with the never having a child free night so personally I'd be doing my best to encourage him. I'm not sure how I'd feel about forcing an 8 year-old though. It's still pretty young and I'm not sure if enjoy the night if I knew he was miserable.

Han86 · 16/04/2025 07:22

I have tried this with my child and on the last occasion we had to collect them early as they said they were ill. I am not sure they were ill and I think they just wanted to come home.
Editing to add: like you were don't get much child free time and had planned to go out while both kids were at camp, but we got called early in the afternoon to say child wasn't happy and they would keep an eye on them, so we cancelled dinner which was just as well as that is when they called to say they wanted us to collect them as they were still unsettled and complaining of feeling unwell.
So if you know your child might be unsettled and you do send them, I wouldn't go making any plans as you might end up in a similar position.

We also have another camp coming up and they don't want to go (but their sibling does) but as they don't want to go I am not going to make them this time as there are clearly reasons for not wanting to go and I don't think it's fair to force them into something they really don't want to do, especially as it's meant to be fun (I think it's the noise and lack of sleep they don't like).

Purpleturtle43 · 16/04/2025 07:22

I would encourage them to push themself out their comfort zone but definitely wouldn't make them go. I don't think anyone should be forced on overnights before they are ready.

Personally I wouldn't have a nice time knowing I had made them so something they weren't comfortable with/ready for. Also not fair on the staff either.

drowninginsick · 16/04/2025 07:24

Yes I think doing things outside of your comfort zone is really important, especially something like that. I’m really glad my parents pushed me to try things it made me say yes to so many important experiences in my life

unevenwalls · 16/04/2025 07:27

Another who disagrees with the snowflake comment.

as someone else who had little to zero family support when mine were little I can see why you would want to send him but when DS was 8 he hated sleepovers and would have hated something like this. It does get better and now he’s older he’s up for anything. 8 is still very young and I am sure there will be other opportunities when he’s a bit older.

PermanentTemporary · 16/04/2025 07:29

Yes I would talk him into it. Bloody hell, zero family support for 8 years?

Yes I think he might bail out early. Enjoy the first night and breakfast in bed at least. I would have a lovely time and there's a good chance he will too.

Tbrh · 16/04/2025 07:33

I wouldn't do that for his first experience, especially if he's scared. Can't he have a sleepover with a friend or a babysitter in his own home? Start small

Motherknowsrest · 16/04/2025 07:33

I wouldn't. Mine had a bad experience with scouts, nothing like the level of organisation or fun that school trips bring.

Danascully2 · 16/04/2025 07:35

I really get it, we haven't had a night off for many years and am going to look into pgl weekends when younger one turns 8 as I can't see other way of them both being away at once.
But they do change - when my older one was 8ish he was going through a really anxious phase and worried for months about the yr 4 school residential (did go though and had a good time). He is so much better now and skipped off to the year 6 residential with barely a backward glance... So you might find it changes a lot?
Agree with trying to discuss whether there's anything specific that bothers him and whether there's anything that might help with that.

pinkdelight · 16/04/2025 07:35

He’s only 8. No way would I make him go. The snowflake fear is ridiculous and I think sending him to overnight camp when he was even younger was too young and hasn’t helped. They don’t do overnight school trips till y6. It’s perfectly normal to want to be home at age 8 and there’s no unassailable value to scout camp that means he needs to go there when he doesn’t like it. You just want a date night. Get a babysitter. Get an overnight babysitter and stay in a hotel, or indeed go camping if you’re so keen on it. But I couldn’t enjoy myself and nor could DH if we’d made our DS go away when he was scared just to suit ourselves.

Candleabra · 16/04/2025 07:37

I would encourage him to go but wouldn’t force him if he really didn’t want to. 8 is still young for overnights, and if he’s really upset you may be asked to pick him up early anyway. You don’t want one bad experience to put him off future trips, if he’s not ready then he shouldn’t go. Are his friends going?

Delivery · 16/04/2025 07:38

LlynTegid · 16/04/2025 07:14

You should try to get him to go, for his sake not yours. You'll end up with a 'snowflake' if he can opt out of things that are a bit difficult.

This is absurd. The poor kid’s 8. Even if you want to use the term ‘snowflake’ (which I’m not sure any reasonable person ever seriously would) it doesn’t apply here as Scout camps aren’t compulsory.

In adult life there are plenty of optional, hobby-related things people choose not to do cos they don’t fancy them.

The OP should let her boy be at home, and suck up not having a weekend away.

AlmosttimeforChristmas · 16/04/2025 07:40

i also think 8 is young to be away when they don’t want to be. Totally get why you’re desperate for some adult time though! Maybe they’ll be ready next year….

Normandy144 · 16/04/2025 07:42

I would encourage him to go but don't mention the fact you are looking forward to a child free weekend. He's been before and this time his older brother is going too right, so he'll have a sibling there which changes things. Perhaps request if they can bunk together? I think these opportunities are great. Builds resilience and gives them experience of an overnight before they go on a big year 6 residential trip which are often for 4 nights. Focus on the positives and try to build his confidence.

SunnySideDeepDown · 16/04/2025 07:43

LlynTegid · 16/04/2025 07:14

You should try to get him to go, for his sake not yours. You'll end up with a 'snowflake' if he can opt out of things that are a bit difficult.

I can’t respect the views of people who say snowflake.

Xyzz82 · 16/04/2025 07:43

Our son who is autistic tried one of the Cubs day camps and came back traumatised by the number of people and how loud and chaotic it was. Have you seen the number of people who attend these events??

He still goes to Cubs but would never do a camp again. I can't blame him at all as I detested staying out when I was a kid too. Camping would make it even worse. Some people love it but it's not for us.

We hardly have nights without kids either so I wouldn't make them go.

GuidingSpirit · 16/04/2025 07:44

I'm a brownie leader and with some of our nervous ones, we offer them to come along for the day activities, stay for tea and then go home before the others go to bed. Could you see if the scout leaders will facilitate that?

At least then you and your DH would get the day together and child free. You could book a nice lunch somewhere and make the most of the afternoon.

It also means the next year, they are usually happy to stay over as its all less daunting for them.

2Boiledeggs · 16/04/2025 07:45

I can see your dilemma but it’s a risk that if you make him go and he doesn’t want to go again you’re in a worse position in the future.

If it’s just quality time you want then maybe take some AL of with each other. If you have no overnight support have a look at the dayuse app. You can book a hotel room and facilities for the day at a cheaper rate if you wanted to “connect”

WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady · 16/04/2025 07:53

If he has never tried it then it would have been different but given he’s already done one and hated it I think it’s a bit mean to insist he does another just to allow you some time (which I completely understand btw). He needs to come to terms with it in his own time. Also if it was me I’d just end up worrying until he was home.

If you do send him personally I wouldn’t give him a lavender pillow spray to take!

YouRemindMe0fTheBabe · 16/04/2025 07:53

If it was his first camp I'd encourage him to give it a go but given that he's been before and didn't enjoy it I wouldn't try to make him go again until he feels ready.

YouRemindMe0fTheBabe · 16/04/2025 07:56

Also, going on camps is not "the whole point of scouting"! My daughter has been at beavers/cubs for 3 years now and has been on one camp in that time. She loves the weekly sessions and has had a great time at those. Some kids don't want to go on any of the camps and that's fine.

Doingmybest12 · 16/04/2025 07:58

I would say that you know your child best and how much he will enjoy it when he gets there or will it put him off trying again. If one goes and one doesn't then it will be a different dynamic at home and that might be nice for you all. If I genuinely felt my son wouldn't enjoy it I wouldn't make them go. I wouldn't be factoring in my need for a break as hopefully at these ages they are pretty independent day to day at home.

IButtleSir · 16/04/2025 08:02

I think forcing your 8 year old to spend a night away camping, especially when he has already had a miserable experience of this, would be incredibly selfish.