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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS go on a scouts trip so DH and I can have a weekend to ourselves

234 replies

JambonetFromage · 16/04/2025 07:12

It’s finally happened! 8 years of parenting with no family help and both our DC have been invited to away overnight at the same time on respective cubs/scouts trips. Giving DH and I the glorious prospect of a child-free weekend.

But DS 8 doesn’t want go. He is scared of spending the night away - he is been on a previous camp and been scared at night time and didn’t sleep well.

The scouts group he is with is brilliant and organises the most fantastic trips with loads of activities. Going on camps are really the whole point of scouting. So I’m really keen for DS to attend for his own benefit, because I think he will get a lot out of it.

But I would also really really like a weekend with DH!

Would I be unreasonable to talk DS into going on the trip?

OP posts:
Bushmillsbabe · 16/04/2025 08:04

As others have said, encourage but don't force. Are any of his close friends going, that may make a difference?
I run a Rainbows unit and in dozens of sleepovers and overnight trips we have never had a child ask to go home, I think most are fine once they are there even if they have a few wobbles before. But they aren't for everyone, and we have a few that have never done an overnight trip, and that's ok, they still get lots of benefits from attending the weekly meetings.

user2848502016 · 16/04/2025 08:04

Try and persuade him by talking positively about it but if he still doesn’t want to I wouldn’t force an 8 year old, he’s still quite young.
Also better to just not send him than to get a call late at night because he won’t settle and you have to pick him up!

faerietales · 16/04/2025 08:04

Would you really enjoy your weekend knowing your 8yo wasn’t enjoying themselves?

Changingplace · 16/04/2025 08:05

drowninginsick · 16/04/2025 07:24

Yes I think doing things outside of your comfort zone is really important, especially something like that. I’m really glad my parents pushed me to try things it made me say yes to so many important experiences in my life

Totally agree, it’s good to try new things and realise they’re actually fun.

My parents never made a fuss about things like this but it was very much ‘off you go then’ no nonsense and I’m glad of it now.

TheNightingalesStarling · 16/04/2025 08:08

Encourage yes.

Make him... no. You'll just put him off completely. Children who don't want to be there upset all the other children as well.

LuluDelulu · 16/04/2025 08:10

Honestly I think that’s really cruel to your son. Some are ready for overnights earlier than others. Forcing him is just mean, however you try to excuse it to yourself.

Nostalgic80s · 16/04/2025 08:11

No I wouldn’t. You said he’s been on a camp previously and didn’t like it. So he has tried it.

My ds1 went to all the camps, but he actually wanted to go. Ds2 wouldn’t like it.

Neither is wrong. I don’t think at 9 you need to worry, he’s just not ready.

I do get the wanting a weekend to yourself, but I wouldn’t do it at the cost of ds bring unhappy. It’s not like packing them off to grandmas for the night.

Pigeonqueen · 16/04/2025 08:11

How could you enjoy the weekend knowing your Ds was miserable?

We have no family support at all, Ds aged 13 has autism and complex needs. We haven’t had a night to ourselves since he was born.

LuluDelulu · 16/04/2025 08:12

LlynTegid · 16/04/2025 07:14

You should try to get him to go, for his sake not yours. You'll end up with a 'snowflake' if he can opt out of things that are a bit difficult.

Nonsense. True independence comes from supporting kids to try things when they are ready. I travelled solo throughout my twenties, but as a kid, I was scared to stay away from home till I was 11 or so. So glad my parents cared about my wellbeing and happiness enough not to force me to go away.

Nostalgic80s · 16/04/2025 08:13

Changingplace · 16/04/2025 08:05

Totally agree, it’s good to try new things and realise they’re actually fun.

My parents never made a fuss about things like this but it was very much ‘off you go then’ no nonsense and I’m glad of it now.

Show quote history

But he has tried it and he said he was scared and didn’t like it.

Hes only 9, just because he doesn’t want to stay out overnight now doesn’t mean he never will.

i think that forcing things before your child is ready can actually make them more nervous and break trust.

Dollshousedolly · 16/04/2025 08:14

Encourage but don’t force or guilt-trip him.

SpanielDaniel · 16/04/2025 08:18

Scout leader here - encourage attendance. It’s so worthwhile for them!
We recently came back from our joint cub and scout camp, they were too tired to be upset in the evenings. On the second night they were asking to go to bed.
Our group of leaders do lots of reassurance, patting, comforting on various camps with cubs and beaver aged young people.

statetrooperstacey · 16/04/2025 08:19

I think going to camps is the main point of scouts for parents! I would try and persuade him , if it’s still a no I would stop mentioning it to him and big up the camp to his brother hoping that his fomo might kick in. If still a hard no I would try for the day and arrange to pick him up in the evening as a compromise if that’s at all possible . Also would it be an option for you and DH to book a hotel near the camp you could have a weekend away and ds might feel braver if he knows you’re nearby? Can I also suggest army cadets for the future , they have to be 12 but the camps are brilliant , similar to pgl activities but about £80 for 10 days. Just something to look forward to for you! My dd could dismantle clean and reassemble a rifle at 13. She. Got her marksman skill at arms on a camp which was fantastic for her confidence.

Talipesmum · 16/04/2025 08:20

Talk to him about it and see what might help him feel comfortable to go again. Definitely don’t force him - but I am pretty sure you weren’t suggesting doing that, despite many of the replies!

We had the same situation and were keen for youngest to go off with his brother to a weekend camp - but youngest was always way less keen than brother on these camps and in the end, 10 mins before we were about to take them to the coach, younger one bottled it and was crying and upset. We’re not going to force a crying child onto a coach! Hasty negotiations and we ended up taking him for each of the days activities and collecting him at the end of the day. We agreed with scout leader that this wouldn’t be the “new normal” but it was a great way of getting him more accustomed to the idea. Next time, he went on the camp. Still not as big a fan as older brother but he is much happier if he knows the people who will be in his tent well.

Jessica5678 · 16/04/2025 08:20

He’s only 8 and he’s already tried it once and really didn’t like it. I think you have to respect that and I wouldn’t be haranguing him into going now lest he’s put off scouts entirely. He’ll probably want to go again when he’s older - there will be other weekends.

andtheworldrollson · 16/04/2025 08:21

He’s quite young to be strongly encouraged to go - 10 I would really push but not 8

WhereIsMyJumper · 16/04/2025 08:22

YANBU
My DS was 6 the first time he went camping with scouts. I think he should go, it’ll be good for him and definitely good for you and DH. Just talk it through with him and speak about how to cope if he gets scared etc.

hhtddbkoygv · 16/04/2025 08:23

I'm a single parent and haven't had a child free night or day ever. Dc is 6. No way would I force them to do something they didn't want to do especially an overnight stay.

YourLimeScroller · 16/04/2025 08:23

We have experience of varied camps and trips both with 2DS and DH as cub leader. There has been an option for the younger ones with similar first time fears to your DS to be collected after camp fire in the evening and brought back early for breakfast. If your camp is close by this could be an option that keeps DS as part of the group. You get the daytime together and an exhausted DS overnight who should sleep very soundly. Might be a way to ease him back in without fear - he also may change his mind once there. Be flexible, take what you can and enjoy without feeling guilty. Good luck 😊

republicofjam · 16/04/2025 08:25

IButtleSir · 16/04/2025 08:02

I think forcing your 8 year old to spend a night away camping, especially when he has already had a miserable experience of this, would be incredibly selfish.

Not to mention very unfair on those running the camp, the majority of which will be volunteers giving up their own time. The other children taking part are also likely to be impacted negatively.

YourLimeScroller · 16/04/2025 08:25

Further thought - is there an option for your DH to be a volunteer parent helper for the camp? DS gets a full experience, comfort of having his DD there and you hit the jackpot with a whole weekend to yourself - the possibilities!

ThejoyofNC · 16/04/2025 08:28

You are being incredibly selfish. I understand your reasons why, but to me they're not good enough to purposely upset your child like that.

brettsalanger · 16/04/2025 08:29

Encourage - don’t force.

for his sake, not for the sake of you and DH having a weekend off

Middleagedstriker · 16/04/2025 08:30

We had the same issue of no family help (and 3 kids). Can you instead get him in a weekend sleepover. We used to do swaps with other parents, quite often ending up with about 8 kids at ours and then get favours back. Sleeping over at someone else's is much less daunting. We went a couple of times for two nights.

Nameftgigb · 16/04/2025 08:33

LlynTegid · 16/04/2025 07:14

You should try to get him to go, for his sake not yours. You'll end up with a 'snowflake' if he can opt out of things that are a bit difficult.

Oh get to fuck. He’s 8 years old. Funnily enough, putting a child into a situation they find frightening does not ‘toughen them up’, it leaves them more frightened. He’s already done it before and hated it.
Op if it was some sort of day camp I’d probably say go for it. But forcing a child to a place they don’t like and not letting them come home overnight is a bit cruel. How far is this camp? Could you take him but pick him up if he gets overwhelmed or scared?