To make DS go on a scouts trip so DH and I can have a weekend to ourselves

[JambonetFromage]

It’s finally happened! 8 years of parenting with no family help and both our DC have been invited to away overnight at the same time on respective cubs/scouts trips. Giving DH and I the glorious prospect of a child-free weekend.

But DS 8 doesn’t want go. He is scared of spending the night away - he is been on a previous camp and been scared at night time and didn’t sleep well.

The scouts group he is with is brilliant and organises the most fantastic trips with loads of activities. Going on camps are really the whole point of scouting. So I’m really keen for DS to attend for his own benefit, because I think he will get a lot out of it.

But I would also really really like a weekend with DH!

Would I be unreasonable to talk DS into going on the trip?

It doesn’t hurt to try to talk him into it, but if he’s adamant that he doesn’t want to, you can’t force him. Especially as he’s been before, so he does know what it’s like - this is not a kid refusing to try something new.

The idea of wanting time for you and your husband is not a good reason to force it. Many parents never manage to get a completely child-free break.

I opt out of nearly everything, every day of my life. There are always a lot more things I am not doing than doing, many of them very difficult indeed. For example this morning I didn't set out on an expedition to climb K2, I didn't go parachuting and I didn't try and row across the Atlantic Ocean. I'm just a snowflake, clearly.

Encourage him to try. And be prepared to collect him at midnight or 3am if necessary, he might stay if he knows he can go home.
But don't book a hotel 200miles away and tell the volunteers that you aren't coming back early to collect your distraught child. I was a Brownies leader once, never again.

Trying again should be encouraged, though. Actually reading the OP again I think a 1 night camp would be a far better start.

So you would rather have your 8year old scared and upset away from home than miss out on a some free time?

Thats shocking and appalling parenting.

by all means try and build his resilience for next time but to force him to go is cruel.

Encourage him to go but tell him if he really doesn't want him to you won't make him go, tell him you will be at the end of the phone if there are any problems.

Is there any friends from scouts that could come over and have a sleep over at your house? Stick them in a tent in the back garden, give him a taster while you are right in the house next door?

Yabu - your desire for a child-free weekend should not trump your 8 year old’s fear of spending the night away. That is still so young, and completely normal to be worried being away from home overnight, especially as he has already tried it and felt uncomfortable.

I’m all for coaxing kids out of their comfort zone and encouraging them to do things that might seem scary at first but if he’s really scared then sending him away overnight at that age against his wishes is cruel.

YABU. I understand wanting him to give things a go, but he's already tried it and hated it. So this isn't a case of "I'm sure he'll enjoy it once he's there", you openly admit you're putting him in a situation you know he won't enjoy because you want a childfree weekend. That's not ok in my view. How could you possibly enjoy yourself knowing he was likely miserable?

Resilience doesn't come from being pushed into situations that make you feel shit, it comes from feeling secure in your relationships. Personally, I would want to send a message to my child that his parents will always listen to him and consider his feelings, that's how trust is built. If you ignore his feelings at 8, don't be surprised when he doesn't confide in you about his feelings at 15.

Think of the AIBU your 8 yo would write?
How does that make you feel as his parent?
Pushing your young children out of their comfort zones is something you can do yourself NOT by packing him off to camp.
Find some childcare if you want some time alone with your DH.

Even without the prospect of a childfree weekend in front of you, I'd be encouraging him to go.

As it stands, if you have no family support, chances like this are incredibly rare/virtually non existent. It's a weekend away with the scouts FFS, not borstal... he'll be fine.

It's so hard parenting without a break...you deserve a night off

I'm erring towards no. Dh and I are similar in that we have a lack of family support so we actually got our first night without children in the past 10 years last month thanks to Scouting. It was a Group Camp so dc1 went with Cubs, dc2 went with Beavers and we had a lovely night in a hotel close to where they were camping. But both mine have been camping with Scouts since the age of 6 and they absolutely love it.

However, I've also helped at camps and sometimes the kids pushed into being there get very little out of it. Fear of the night time can ruin their enjoyment of the activities during the day.

All the parents on here who think their need for a child free weekend trumps their child’s feelings please don’t come on here in a few years time moaning you have no relationship with your kids or barely see your grandchildren.

@JambonetFromage I spent loads of time on camps as a child, and later as an adult volunteer. There is always someone who's homesick, but the trick is to make sure they're with their friends. Guaranteed, your DS will be fine as long as he's distracted and feels safe. They basically need a support system to get them out of the door, and to make them feel safe while they're away from home. (Dumping them and running is a guaranteed midnight phonecall asking to be picked up!!)

I'd speak to his pack leader and just mention you're keen for him to go and feel part of the group. Having someone outside of the family convince him it's a good idea may be more effective.

Camps can be so good for building confidence and getting children to try independence in a safe environment.

I think earlier suggestion of sleepover outside is a good place to start if he really doesn't want to go.

home sickness is horrible.

Really?! People cut off family because they were sent on a weekend away with the scouts once in their childhood...?! Crazy stuff.

I’d try and encourage him as he’d ultimately enjoy it

💯

If it’s doesn’t work out this time, OP what about you and your husband booking of a day of annual leave and going for a spa day or lunch and cocktails, whatever you like to get some adult only time! @JambonetFromage

I am quite surprised how many people are saying to send him.
Imagine if this was a school trip and the poster said their child didn't want to go but school insisted they would be missing out and they would be fine once there. Everyone would be outraged..

Also suggesting the parents bribe him is also wrong. Imagine you have been asked to do something that is meant to be fun as an adult and you know you will hate but are being forced to do it. Would you still do it? Would it change your mind? Think about whether you say no to things because you know you have tried before and didn't like it. If a friend said come on, I will buy you a drink if you do this does that make a difference?

I think if they have clearly said they don't want to go and have tried before and the parents have told them what they are missing out on and they still don't want to go then they shouldn't be made to. I would feel upset at my parents for not listening to me.

Scout leader (younger sections) here. OP, I get it - I have no family help either and it can feel relentless when you're parenting in that setup. I also agree to some extent that once a kid is actually at the camp, they usually settle and enjoy it - I've had many nervous campers who've got stuck in and had a lovely time after the initial wobbles.

But: if they don't get over those initial wobbles, it's pretty disruptive managing the situation. It takes adults away from supervising the other kids (because of course we cannot be 1:1 with a Scout), and it can upset the other kids too. Selfishly, as an adult volunteer, I would feel like there were already enough demands on me without having to deal with that as well.

Could he attend for the day - with no pressure to stay the night - so as to get him comfortable with the whole camp thing? Then next time, maybe he'll be confident enough to stay for the duration. Ask your leaders what they think.

I came up with a different solution - encouraged DH to become a scout leader. So now I get weekends to myself!

It really isn't fair to do this to the leaders on the trip. They are volunteers and I know from my experience as a Guide leader that sending kids who don't want to be there is bloody hard work. Plus if he's overly upset they will just call you to come and get him anyway!

@User2346

must be so hard for parents like you, constantly fearful that your kids are going cut you off and go no contact. It’s a scout weekend. Get some perspective.

My DS hated sleepovers etc. He wasn't clingy or homesick he just liked sleeping in his own bed, alone.
We did push him a few times to do Scout trips and school residentials and he hated every one. Even now at 16 if one of his mates stays they sleep in the spare room. He is most certainly not a "snowflake", he is pretty independent and resilient but if he has any choice he will not share sleeping space with anyone.

I can see where you are coming from but I wouldn't do it OP

And we see this so often these years.
We have decided to call the parents first thing now and not spend hours on homesick crying children not wanting to take part in activities.
We have spend soooo much time dealing with this. Voluntary.
I have been thinking of quitting as a girl guide leader because of girls taking part in camps against their own will.

I would start with a sleepover at a friend.