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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Based on this comment - have I been badly brought up?

219 replies

Canwehaveahotsummer · 15/04/2025 07:38

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
.

OP posts:
NeedSomeComfy · 15/04/2025 07:41

They are being ridiculous. Of course it's OK to express likes and dislikes to close family members.
Wouldn't your DH/DM prefer to know that you can be honest with him about what you like? It's not a matter of being polite or badly brought up, it's a matter of being confident enough to speak up for yourself.

SoftandQuiet · 15/04/2025 07:42

I'd think it sad if you couldn't tell your mum you don't like lasagne and nothing to do with class. If you'd been choking it down for years though you'd have to come up with a polite way to tell her so as not to hurt her feelings!

doodleschnoodle · 15/04/2025 07:43

I’d absolutely hope my children were assertive and confident enough in our relationship they would tell me if they didn’t like something! They certainly do currently as kids and as long as it’s done politely, ‘Thank you for making this but I dont enjoy it’ for example, I would never be annoyed or offended.

i think there are times when you just suck things up, but with family members and husbands etc. it’s absurd to repeatedly be in a situation where you don’t like something but force it down because you feel unable to say otherwise. I think fostering that type of atmosphere is far more likely to fall into the ’badly brought up’ category!

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/04/2025 07:43

How rude of them to say you're not properly brought up!!

Your mum should know what foods you actively dislike- of course it's OK to say something!

Theunamedcat · 15/04/2025 07:44

The fact that they don't feel they can tell a parent they don't like a certain food shows THEY are the ones badly raised

You should always be able to talk to the parent

Jennalong · 15/04/2025 07:44

I don't think your remark is about good / bad parenting and how you were brought up.
Why should anyone eat a meal makes them " gag " ?
I've known my mil over 20 years and I've never eaten a meal at her house .
I've seen the food she serves up and dh says it's bad , so why would I ?
I don't think you said anything wrong .

Youaremythtaken · 15/04/2025 07:44

I would say Hannah has been very badly brought up to say something like that to you. Did her parents not teach her any manners??

I also think the idea that you should keep eating stuff you don't like is insane. And as a child of the 80s I was indeed brought up to clear my plate - regardless of whether I liked it or not. I'm an adult now though and would absolutely feel it's appropriate to raise it tactfully with a close family member..

Muchtoomuchtodo · 15/04/2025 07:44

Bonkers! My MIL often makes cheese and tomato or cheese and pickle sandwiches when we are there for lunch. I prefer plain cheese which I told her not long after I met them, when they first offered us a lunch like this. My BIL has the same preferences as me but has never told his mum. Then he complains every time that I get the plain sandwiches and he doesn’t! I can’t understand it tbh. Nobody was offended that I was honest all those years ago.

SodOffbacktoaibu · 15/04/2025 07:45

She can't have been brought up that well herself if she thought that was an ok thing to say to you!

It's all a bit weird. My mum wouldn't make something I don't like. She'd know. I'm fact, she always asks "shall I make xxx when you come?". But then she's a sweetie.

Sistatrouble · 15/04/2025 07:46

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has been identified in real life, so we've agreed to take this down.

Gremlinsateit · 15/04/2025 07:46

I agree with @Youaremythtaken - it’s Hannah who has been badly brought up, to say something so rude to OP.

BlueOysterCultGroupie · 15/04/2025 07:47

YANBU

BlueSkyBeing · 15/04/2025 07:47

Yes of course no problem to say something. If I was your mum or a friend I'd be aghast to learn you had been eating things you didn't enjoy just out of politeness.

I have friends who feel the same way as your colleagues and have eaten things I've made out of politeness and when I found out after the event I couldn't understand why and felt way more upset than had they have just been open with me.

Don't get me wrong this is a situation where I gave them the choice and asked them if they would like to eat such and such before I'd cooked or prepared anything.

Just seems bonkers to me and nothing to do with being well brought up. Which is surely more about treating others with kindness and respect.

Stanleybeach · 15/04/2025 07:48

your H was very rude to you. I would dump someone who spoke to me like that. I don’t want a H who demands I put up and shut up.

I think Sam and Hannah grew up in HH where no feedback, other than positive, was tolerated. There may be reasons for this. They may have lived in poor households where what you were given is what there was. I grew up poor and it was like that. Didn’t matter if you liked the meal or not, it’s what there was.

On a wider point, if you have been eating a meal for years it’s too late to start complaining about it.

daisychain01 · 15/04/2025 07:49

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

these people are all living in the dark ages where women were told to shut up and do as they're told like a dog being disciplined.

thank goodness we no longer have to put up with being 2nd class citizens.

If my DH had spoken to me like that, I'd be telling him I'm not a 5 year old and his concept of how women should be spoken to needed serious attention if he wanted to stay married to me. Thankfully he always asks for my opinion about the food he cooks for me and recognises I have a choice about whether I eat it or not.

Lundier · 15/04/2025 07:49

Every time I go home my dad makes me coffee with milk and I thwack him and remind him all his children are lactose intolerant and have been for 20+ years (and in my view so is he). But it's all in fun. I don't tell him his coffee tastes bad, which it does, because, well... why, hm. Because I don't care! He's my daddy and he's caring for me and I love his bad coffee because he made it for me.

So I don't think there's a known rule or that you can make a blanket statement like that. You have to take each case on its own terms.

TappyGilmore · 15/04/2025 07:49

No I don’t think you were badly brought up. As you say, you wouldn’t say things like that to certain people, it would be rude. But you should be able to say it to your mother or your partner.

In fact I would say it is Hannah who hasn’t been brought up well. Surely it is the height of bad manners to say to someone “you would think that because you haven’t been brought up well.” I mean seriously, does it get any ruder than that?

The lasagne example is actually a bit weird. Most mums are happy to make whatever you want on request. Sam doesn’t even have to tell her mum she doesn’t like lasagne, she could just say something like “I was just remembering how you always used to make xxxxx, can we have that next time I come over?”

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2025 07:50

If Sam and Hannah don’t know how to deal with this situation tactfully and kindly then they are the ones that have been broadly brought up

“Ooo mom, remember that xyz food you used to make when I was a kid - could you make that for me when I next visit. I’d love that!”

NewtPond · 15/04/2025 07:50

Hannah is a loon if she thinks it’s rude to not go along with things you don’t like in perpetuity. However, she’s going to be the one who suffers for it.

Sulu17 · 15/04/2025 07:50

I wouldn't bother be as friendly to those work colleagues if I were you, OP. Your DH sounds aggressive, too. I also couldn't eat snotty eggs - absolutely stomach turning.

WhatNoRaisins · 15/04/2025 07:52

I think that they're being ridiculous. I sort of understand not being picky and being grateful for whatever food you have in times of scarcity but even then it's hardly a big deal to want a firmer cooked egg.

Miloarmadillo2 · 15/04/2025 07:52

I think when it’s a close relationship like a parent then of course you should be able to say you’d prefer something different next time “Mum please can you make that delicious sausage casserole? It’s my favourite” without offence. The only rude thing to say would be the toddler-esque ‘ yuck - that’s 🤮 disgusting’. I do have vivid memories of having to choke down angel delight at a great aunt’s house because ‘that’s what children like’ which has left me with a lifelong hatred of wobbly desserts.

Bippityboppityboo67 · 15/04/2025 07:53

So your husband showed you how to make scrambled eggs which is just another way to way he doesn't like yours .
Nothing wrong with saying you don't like something and I'm surprised at mothers that don't know their kids preferences.
I always ask people what they like and would never expect anyone to eat something they don't like. I certainly wouldn't.

ConnieSlow · 15/04/2025 07:55

I’ve read this exact thread before

Sassybooklover · 15/04/2025 07:57

Well that's crazy, why wouldn't you say something to close family. I may not come out and say 'Mum, I really dislike lasagne, please could we have something different', but I may say 'Mum, could we have something different than lasagne, next time we visit'. It can be worded, so it's not so blunt and critical. You were right to say something to your husband about his poached eggs! As long as it's done 'nicely', surely it's better to say, than put up with it???? Clearly, we're all badly brought up on here!!!! 🤣