Based on this comment - have I been badly brought up?

[Canwehaveahotsummer]

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
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It’s your friends who are odd in this scenario.

I know somebody who died as a result of eating something they were too polite to complain about because their immune system was already compromised.

I would argue it’s your friends who were badly brought up because 1. They’ve been taught not to have an opinion and 2. Their parents don’t even know what food they dislike.

You should always be polite but it's perfectly ok to say. "Please don't make a lasagne I've really gone off it"

I'm not sure that it is ageism. Go back 100 or 75 years and things were different. Many people didn't have easy access to shops to replace foods they didn't readily have. There was limited availability of foods so people didn't 'know what they were missing' as they'd never had it. Also not the money available for quick or cheap options so what was made for the family was eaten by them as there was nothing else.

It's not ageist to refer to how things were, it's fact.

You can definitely tell your own mother you don’t like a particular food (if she doesn’t know already). Your mother-in-law might be different…..

You been brought up even worse if you can't tell your Mum that you don't actually like lasagne. Telling her when you get there is rude but mentioning it for a future visit is probably advisable. How hurt would she be if she found out from someone else?

My Mum always used to make my brother's favourite when I visited with one element I hate. I asked her why she made DBs favourite and not mine... She looked confused and asked me what my favourite was then?! 😂 She certainly didn't faint with shock at a lack of manners.

It's sad if you can't be yourself with your family. To not know what your child's food preferences are and to feel unable to speak honestly to your mum.

Hope my child never feels like that (at 3 he's very vocal about food likes and dislikes!)

You are absolutely fine. In fact, that you are able to take criticism and feedback is something that will do you great service and help you improve.

The problem in society is that there are far too many people, who either think they’re perfect (they’re not), or can’t accept feedback or criticism. They ar either ones that will struggle.

They are being odd. Also with you on the slimey poached egg thing. I like a runny poached egg but slimey makes me think of snot. Gross.

I do think you should be able to have food preferences and express them to your parent / friend / significant other. My mum a few years ago went through a period where she put cayenne pepper in everything. It all got a bit too much. So when she asked me to go for tea one day I said - only if there is no cayenne pepper. She took it on board and wasn’t upset. Not because she brought me up badly but because we have an actual relationship and communicate with one another. It’s a sign of being brought up well and connected.

I'd personally be mortified to think I was repeatedly making someone food they didn't enjoy, I know it can be difficult to bring up, for fear of hurting someone's feelings but ultimately I'd rather know!! Plus if they can't tell their own mother then I'd say it's them who have been badly brought up .

Christ. The amount of food my DH has made for me that I haven't liked, he'd be well within his rights to refuse to cook for me ever again 😂.

If it's family or close friends, I see no problem in saying "I don't like that" or "do you mind if we have something else?" If my DH says he doesn't like something I've made, I feel shit obviously because I want him to like it but I'd rather know so I can improve or change it!!

Your colleagues sound shit.

"Dh would still force something down if he hated it. If we were in a restaurant and the food was horrible or he was full up he’d clear his plate so as not to appear rude."

Mine is the same. The man eats anything though!

If we're at MIL for dinner and I don't like what she's made, I'll eat what I can and then pretend I'm full which my husband then gobbles up 😂.

They are talking about load of shit, they aren’t friends are they and they don’t sound like they know what they are on about either.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well

The badly brought up one is Hannah.

And how old is she??

I used to have Sunday lunch with my ex’s- mother every Sunday. She’d serve gammon sometimes -which I hate- but I ate it as she cooked it. Growing up if I had dared say anything about food, it would have been a screaming match. When my ex told his mother- years later- she was motifed.

It’s not about being bought up badly. You can say something in a nice way without being rude.

But on a passing note- your DH told you to shut up over eggs while dating? And you married him?

I’d say you were brought up well as you weren’t taught that your opinion matters!

I would always tell people about food preferences. I would not be able to sit and eat something I do not like.

I would never say if sometimes was badly cooked, I'm just grateful someone has cooked for me. My DH will quite bluntly tell me if he didn't like my cooking. But he came from a secure family where as mine was all over the place and I'm a people pleaser but I never wanted to upset my controlling father

This 100% and it is exactly what I would have said back to Hannah.

Hannah needs a good swipe of shite.

Hannah and Sam are peculiar to make up this stupid shit. Take no notice. Serves them right to have to eat lasagne if they can't manage basic communication.

I am 100% with you op.
I would be appalled if I found out one of my children had been gagging on the shit food I insisted on them eating.
Why on earth would anyone do this?
My family know the things I don’t eat and would never attempt to try and get me to eat them.
They sound a bit backwards to be honest.

They're the rude ones. Oh and also what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander- hope your husband realised that.

You have not been badly brought up. I’d say to your colleagues that you think it’s sad they are so scared of their parent they couldn’t tell her they didn’t like something. I’d also say that my mum was so well brought up she’d ask if what she was going to cook for my visit was ok.

As someone who was too scared to say stuff like this to my mum, @cramptramp, I agree with you.

Sadly the indoctrination of childhood is not easy to shrug off.

I'd say you haven't been brought up well if you dislike lasagne, it's lush.