Based on this comment - have I been badly brought up?

[Canwehaveahotsummer]

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
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Sounds like Sam and Hannah might be snobby tits.

Of course it's ok to speak up if you don't like something to your mother or partner/husband. How will things change if you don't talk about it?

I’d say it definitely sounds like they have a really unhealthy dynamic in their families. My mum is a horrible cook. Honestly, I can’t really remember much of the meals we ate growing up. I think she largely didn’t cook at all. I ate at my grandparents during the week as she didn’t collect me til after 6pm. The weekends we got takeaways or ate out. I vaguely remember boiled plain chicken breasts and veal grilled to within an inch of its life. By the time I was a preteen and no longer eating at my grandparents, I was mostly existing off rice and kidney beans from the tin covered in hot sauce because I could make that myself. Christmas and Easter we went out for Chinese. She’s literally never in her life cooked Christmas dinner.

Anyway, my mum is a really shit cook. It’s not an issue now because we are NC (unrelated to her awful cooking), but if I went to her house, I’d say how about we cook X together as I really don’t fancy lasagna? Or I’ll cook for you. Or how about we go out for a meal. Maybe if I really didn’t care I’d just eat the lasagna. But I certainly wouldn’t find it rude to be like, let’s have something different as lasagna isn’t my favourite.

You're not a people pleaser and they are

I like my cup of tea a certain way, which is awkward when I was tradesperson, I take my own kettle, cup, milk and tea bags. Sometimes they insisted. I would tell them how to make it, if it was rubbish I would look at it, say I can't drink that and pour it down the sink.

"When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.
I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’."

So it was ok for your husband to say something but not for you??

I would be reluctant to tell my parents something like that, but I see it as a sign I don’t have a good relationship with them. I’d be mortified if my son thought he couldn’t tell me he didn’t like something and kept eating it for the sake of it, I’d hope we had a better relationship than that. It’s not about how you were brought up.
i was, however, brought up that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Maybe Hannah could learn from that.

Hannah is the only one who was very badly brought up in this.

Sam clearly comes from a dysfunctional family.

I hope your H doesn't serve not quite cooked poached eggs any more, and if he does, I hope you don't eat them.

It's not rude at all to talk to your mother, as an adult, about a dish they make that you don't like or prefer a different way. To avoid the awkward conversation, Sam should offer to bring a takeaway or take her mother out to eat when she visits. Choking down lasagna at every visit while building resentment is not how grown up deal with their problems.

mother and daughter thing - no your not rude by the way just suggest a polit pre visit phone call to the mother to explain .betterr than dropping it out at the table as a surprise . just get her to explain she has really gone off it - for some reason

plain shooting works better

Of course you can kindly ask your mum to make something else!
Hannah and Sam sound like they were brought up poorly to be so opinionated, judgy and rude to you.
also, FWIW, your husband sounds awful how he went off about the poached eggs. I am assuming you asked nicely and weren’t moaning rudely.
i feel as women ( esp non private school educated) we often second guess and blame ourselves and lack the confidence to self advocate. Gets better with age when you stop giving a shit ;)

Number of things strike me about the message.

Doubt there's anyone among us who doesn't have any 'doubts and insecurities' about their background. Some more than others. Unfortunately the number of people with unpleasant baggage seems be rather large.

Neither do I like the way Hannah and Sam ganged up on you on this point. To point fingers at and disparage the way anyone was brought up is a disastrously insensitive and incriminating thing to say. It would unsettle anyone. I detect class sniping there.

It's not 'strange' to be upset by that comment. It would prey on my mind too. It would have me sternly re-evaluate my relationship with these two colleagues. I think there's something unpleasant going on with the relationship between these two, and I would gently keep my distance from them.

Everything you said is perfectly reasonable. Sam and Hannah are the issue. Not you.

Feeling safe enough to express yourself and your preferences growing up is a very very good thing.

How would your own mother not know you hated something,?

My mother wouldn't have cared tbh.

They should be communicating better with their loved ones instead of living a life of suppressed resentments.

My ( adult) kids would absolutely tell me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Edit

Exactly. When my kids come for a meal I make stuff I know they’ll enjoy. I know what their partners like too (more or less) and I consider them too before choosing what to make.

To me, it seems completely fine to tell someone you don't like lasagne...Especially if that person is your mum.

So, she is well-mannered enough to 'respect' [not really] her ma, but rude enough to talk down to you.