Based on this comment - have I been badly brought up?

[Canwehaveahotsummer]

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
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I think maybe your tone isn’t well modulated Op, and you aren’t aware of it. Your dh being spiky about the slimy eggs and your work colleagues together saying this, suggests you are a bit brusque or charmless in your tone. As for not being able to say you don’t want lasagne, to your own mother… well… that’s just evidence of very very poor relationship.

I've got a work colleague in her late thirties, who's mum provides her lunch for her every day. Her mum often gives her crisps she doesn't like, but she won't say anything to her. When asked if she thinks her mum would get upset if she did, she says no, she just doesn't like saying anything. Maybe some people are so worried about appearing grateful to people like parents, they feel they'll be rude if they say anything about things like food preferences.

Then they are the odd ones. There’s nothing wrong in politely telling your own mother you no longer like or want a particular dish. I can only assume they have stilted relationships with people. You have a much more realistic and healthy outlook.

I think it's your husband who was being more insane about the eggs - it wasn't that he was cooking something you don't like, he was just assuming you liked ultra runny eggs without bothering to ask. That was really quite rude of him and he had no business telling you off.

I can see that your friend has a problem if her mother has been convinced for years that she's been doing a nice thing cooking her favourite food for her. Really the time to break the news was years ago, when this tradition first started. Mind you, if I was actually gagging at something I think I would be making up something about my tastes having changed since I reacted to something I ate or went on a diet or something.

Your mates are weird.

I would say to mum on phone before visiting that Iv really gone off lasagne so would to be OK to have something else or suggest I bring something

I have to confess, I can understand that people might think this is not a real situation. The comments by these ladies and the husband, and now we are learning that some work colleague ate something that was off and became unwell…

Hmmm. I think it’s silly to carry on eating the lasagna (although I have got myself into similar situations in the past, particularly when my grandmothers were alive). But I would probably say something like pasta upsetting my stomach etc rather than tell her directly.

I think it is rude tbh to frequently say anything other than ‘thank you, that’s delicious’. I cook for the family broadly every day and my au pair regularly says ‘oh that’s not my favourite of the meals you cook’ or ‘I despite Mac and cheese’ or bitches about takeaways that I include her in and pay for. It gives me the RAGE tbh

Who the fuck doesn’t like lasagne??

I think it’s far ruder to expect someone to eat food they don’t like, than to say you’d like your eggs a little less runny.

I think it's strange that her mum doesn't know she doesn't like lasagna. I feel quite sorry for the mother she probably makes lasagna because she thinks she likes it and it is quite a faff to make

It isn't strange if, like me, you were brought up with a mum who didn't listen to anything you said, and got cross if you disagreed with her, @Whoarethoseguys. I can easily understand how someone wouldn't feel able to tell their mum their preferences.

It's a worrying sign about her relationship with her mum.

As pointed out on this thread by people from "normal" families, her mum should know that she didn't like lasagne, and she should feel able to tell her mum that she doesn't. There is doubtless learned behaviour that you don't disagree with mum. Which she has assumed is the norm everywhere else, hence the "badly brought up" comment to OP, as the alternative is to face the truth of her own upbringing, which she might be be able to do at the moment.

My Dad on Sunday lunch growing used to say he ate the things he hated frst as he had as a child - I said this is your house why are there things on your plate you dislike?

I would phrase it tactfully and it would depend on which family member - would personally wouldn't be offended if anyone said anything to me - but haven't said anything to MIL.

Not wowed by MIL cooking but can eat but have been flummoxed by the huge plate of grey unflavoured mince in gravy with floating boiled potatoes in - kids manage to convey dislike politely but that wouldn't be acceptable from me - different relationship. So eat some and try and hide the rest - not really possible with that dish- and last few years managed not to visit. Ironically I'd have said her stroies about her mother poor cooking and her reponse - taking packed lunches round joking about food poisneing was rude - but given our relationship any hint I couldn't stand some of her dishes would go down very badly and not worth pushing - she not always polite back about my cooking/baking difference is I don't care.

Agree with this. Hannah is the one who wasn't well brought up if she has manners like that!

This is weird. The mother would be so hurt to know that she'd been making this for all these years and her child didn't like it BUT FELT UNABLE TO TELL HER.

If you are at a dinner party, it's a one off and you'll never see these people who have made effort for you again, fine suck it up out of politeness.

Your own mother - nah! Tell her but it should have been done years ago. Never too late.

Not if you're in the sort of family where telling your mother that she is "wrong" will prompt a negative back lash. You learn to keep your mouth shut.

I think OP should be grateful that she's been brought up in a family where they didn't have this sort of toxic relationship.

You are not being at all unreasonable in this case.

I was brought up to eat what you are given and complement the cooking when in a social situation and someone has cooked for you. But you say that this is exactly what you would do too, so you have perfect manners.

But with a loved one? With a mother? I suppose it depends upon the relationship and how long someone has kept up the lie that they like lasagna. But if you can’t (nicely) say to a parent or a partner, ‘I’m so sorry but actually I’m not very keen on x’, then who can you say it to? Obviously, in the situation your friend brought up, it would be far better to have the conversation in advance than when sat down at a table and presented with a lovingly cooked meal.

I wonder whether the upset you caused your - I think you said, relatively new (at the time) - partner was more to do with it being that you were only recently together and he was presumably trying to impress and it was a bit of a knock. And these things are often heard as criticism even when the person saying them isn’t wanting to criticise the cooking, only sharing their preferences.

Relationships - family, lovers and good friends - should be about openness and honesty wherever possible. Sometimes we absolutely have to suck things up, but usually it is far, far, better to be honest than to cause a situation that means that you have to lie and grin and bear it. Because doing that means that you’re not going it to a situation feeling comfortable.

I’ve had to tell friends in the past that I’d rather not do something or go somewhere - often things we may have loved when younger but that I no longer enjoy, like heavy nights out - and how about doing something else instead. My stag party years ago was mostly joyous because I had that very conversation with my best friend in advance of his planning it: ‘I don’t want to dictate what we do as I know you have some plans already, but I can no longer drink as I used to and the idea of some boys night out trying to recreate our youth and then waking up the next day feeling utterly awful, sounds like hell. Can we not do something like a long walk and a good dinner and maybe some games and good conversation afterwards?’
He breathed an enormous sigh of relief and organised one of the loveliest weekends I’ve had. Long walks, a boat trip, some exploring, great food, roaring fires and brilliant company.

As a teenager and through my twenties I smoked. My parents - both secret smokers themselves - urged me to keep it secret from my grandparents. It would disappoint them. Of course, smoking is an addiction and when you’re forced to spend days not doing it it makes you very grumpy and rather fixated on how to find an opportunity to sneak off somewhere for a secret smoke. Smoking also stinks and so I’m sure they secretly knew! I now wish I’d just fessed up to my grandparents, coped with their disappointment, but been able to have much more relaxed and less resentful times with them in my last decade or so with them around. Honesty is so often the best option.

I do think there are tactful ways to tackle this (not that I worked this out while my mum was alive) - maybe @Canwehaveahotsummer could think of something else her mum cooks well, and ask if they could have that, the next time they visit?

"Mum - I was remembering the chicken pie you cooked when we were kids - I can't make a pie half as good - could you make it the next time we visit, please?"

Of course you are NBU OP. This is all to do with communication. Surely between close family members you can be frank about your likes and dislikes. With anyone less close, you can be polite and appreciative but still be honest. In fact imo being dishonest is not polite or considerate - and certainly not "well brought up". Sam could soften the blow re lasagne by telling her mother that she has gone off it a bit, and suggest something different. There may be cultural differences of some kind between you on one hand and Sam and Hannah on the other, causing them to see this issue differently but not being honest is not polite, and they should not be suggesting you are not well brought up. In fact anyone who says that to someone else, unless joking, is seriously want of "proper" upbringing themselves.

All of these things were totally different people years apart.

The thing with dh and the eggs was years ago, but it reminded me because he strongly felt that if someone has cooked for you, you should eat it and be grateful, whether you like it or not, and never suggest that you don’t like something incase you offend the cook.

He wouldn’t say that now, but he would still force a meal down if in a restaurant for fear of looking rude. He’s even finished off mine or one of the dcs food because it’s ‘rude’ to leave it.

The other colleague who ate something gone off, that’s a bit of a running joke in the office. It was milk, he was out of milk and someone offered some of theirs. It was gone off but he was too nervous to say so he drank the drink with the clearly gone off milk. Obviously that is just ridiculous. But it does make you wonder how far people will go for fear of upsetting someone.

Did Hannahs parents not teach her manners? She was very rude to you
i would rather my DC tell me they didn’t like something( they have!) politely than choke it down
someone other than parents would be different ofc

I don’t know if it’s right or wrong but if my child didn’t feel comfortable enough to be open about something that simple with me I’d feel like I failed at parenting.

yup, if there was something I didn't/wouldn't eat, I would certainly mention it at the point of invitation....its maybe a different issue when you don't get that opportunity. Even then unless its a one pot meal, its usually possible to avoid a part or parts of the meal and I say this as someone who has a short list of common foods that I cannot eat.

sounds like "sit till you finish" upbringing to me. have you asked him?

Your husband sounds mental 😂