Based on this comment - have I been badly brought up?

[Canwehaveahotsummer]

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
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Thankfully with dh it was years ago and both our cooking skills and everything else have come a long way since ans we both know what we like.

Dh would still force something down if he hated it. If we were in a restaurant and the food was horrible or he was full up he’d clear his plate so as not to appear rude.

Like I say I wouldn’t never go round slating anyone’s cooking, but if there was a meal that I strongly disliked, or something I preferred tweaked slightly such as eggs a bit more fine, or no pickle on a sandwich and it was a close family member. I’d think it was ok to say.

Wow, how weird! YADNBU OP!

As long as you put it politely and diplomatically, it’s fine to suggest eating something else. (Not sure if I would go so far as saying I didn’t like lasagna if she had been making it for me for a long time, but would suggest eating something else.)

Your partner’s reaction to the request for firmer eggs was BIZARRE

And this:

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

ironically is far, far ruder than saying you don’t like lasagna! What an utterly rude thing to say. It’s very unpleasant. Your colleagues sound like bitches to be honest.

Be assured OP, you are the normal one.

Why, in your DH’s mind, was it okay for him to show you his (superior) egg cooking method, but not for you to request slightly more well done eggs? Did you ask him this?

I’d be considerably more pissed off about that than random nonsense from colleagues.

There are ways of saying things, perhaps mention a meal your mum has made before and ask if she could make it again.

personally I would prefer my children (adults now) to say they would rather something different so long as they asked before I cooked !. I make toad in the hole a lot because I thought it was a safe mid week option with everyone until my son mentioned he’s off sausage at the moment. I wasn’t offended just wish he had told me sooner.

I think a close family member you can gently ask for your food to be cooked how you like it a gently “these eggs aren’t as good as you used to do did you do something different “

I think this is an ask/guess culture thing. Did you ever see that old forum post that used to get shared about it?

Basically some families have a culture of fairly straightforward communication where you can say what you mean and nobody is offended if you're not being outright rude. You can ask for what you want and it's ok for the person you're asking to say no.

Other families have a more context dependent communication style where it's considered the height of rudeness to say no, so equally it's extremely rude to ask for something directly, as you're putting the person in the position of having to say no (and be thought rude) or put up with something they don't want to do.

If the others were brought up in the "guess" culture then they would think it's rude to just ask for what you want. But I don't think it is. My family must be "ask culture" because I would find the guess thing very stressful and baffling.

Hannah was really rude. It’s very ungracious to comment on someone’s upbringing like that. I would have been really upset.

Sam sounds like a martyr. Let her crack on with the shit lasagne. I would distance myself from the pair.

Given that TWO people have now said something similar to me makes me wonder if it's not so much what you say but how you say it?

If not, then your husband has double standards and your colleague must have been positively dragged up in a roadside hedge.

Are they much older than you? This 'eat what you are given' attitude is the sort of thing my ancient Edwardian era father would have said. I can imagine if they were brought up with that, it might still influence their views. I have spent decades fighting against it in my head to not eat things I am not enjoying to avoid being perceived as rude.

When I first started dating my husband, he used to get the train to my house and I always knew if he was 10 mins late he was buying flowers. I told him it was getting predictable and could he buy me goats cheese instead. Probably rude and blunt but he did buy cheese instead and next month have been married 11 years. Life is too short to not enjoy it and why would someone want to put effort into something that the recipient doesn't enjoy (poached eggs, lasagne).

They were incredibly rude to make any sort of public judgement about how they think you were raised! 😳 Speaks volumes about them.

I tell my boys to try their best with meals they don't like if they are at a friend's house and always say thanks and not to say they don't like it. If someone made an effort for you you should show gratitude.

However that's with friends parents / one off acquaintances. With my own mum I would definitely say something. Not in a rude way of course. Maybe her mum is difficult?

I think it's perfectly normal and healthy to be able to speak to your mum and tell her what you do and don't like. I wouldn't think twice and I know my mum wouldn't be offended at all, she'd rather prepare something I'll enjoy if she's going to the effort of making it.

My husband is the opposite. Won't tell his mum he doesn't like sweets she's been buying him at Christmas for years. Also won't tell her that one particular style of clothes she buys for our son isn't really our thing so she keeps buying them over and over and they go to waste. I think she'd rather know and buy something that'll get used and that they'd enjoy but seems that's not the way they work 🤷 I really hope my son never feels like he can't tell me something, especially something as trivial as not liking lasagne or a pack of sweets!

Think it's fine to be honest. My children are honest if they don't like something (they're not rude) but I'd rather know than waste my time cooking something they hated.
I can't remember my mum ever cooking a bad meal, she was an excellent cook. My dad on the other hand, well there were a few meals we suggested he didn't cook again!

Your DH nasty, as is your colleagues.

My DH and I discuss all the time waht we would prefer or change and many meals have gone on "The List Of Doom" haha.

Same with my mum... She tells me if she doesn't enjoy something I cooked and I do the same with her.

If you can't have polite, respectful and easy honesty in a relationship then it isn't a good relationship.

How could you ever trust anything they said without assuming they were just going along with things to keep the peace?

I bet they sweep all sorts of generational trauma and conflict under the rug too, to avoid "unpleasantness".

”Dh would still force something down if he hated it. If we were in a restaurant and the food was horrible or he was full up he’d clear his plate so as not to appear rude.”

Your DH is odd / stuck in a childhood loop. If the food in a restaurant is actively horrible, ie not cooked properly / off / over salted why wouldn’t he say something and send it back, or not eat it if he’s too pathetic to assert himself. If he’s full why on earth would he keep eating? It’s not rude to not clear your plate of a meal you’ve paid for if you’re full!

And if you’re at someone else’s house you make sure you don’t help yourself to more than you’re going to eat or you tell the person serving that you only want a little thank you.

If you’re a guest at someone’s house then sure you might eat something not to your taste that they’ve made for you because manners. Not being able to tell your own mother that you’re not keen on something is mad but I can see how people get themselves into a place where their parent loves making “your favourite” which in fact they hate and it’s gone on too long to say anything!

enough with the ageism please.

Sounds like their families are weirdly formal. I would eat food that was served if I was a guest at a dinner party etc. But my mum knows what foods I dislike and I know what food she wouldn't enjoy. I actually know what foods to avoid if anyone from my family, DH's or my friend group were coming to mine.

With some parents it's not worth the bother of telling them that you don't like lasagne.
You must like it because you ate it 35 years ago/ were mistaken for a sibling that does like it/ you forced it down for a quiet life or not to go hungry...

Feedback is not encouraged and often not retained because the parent's idea is The Correct Version and family is not a democracy. Children remain children and aren't accepted as autonomous adults even when they've been adults longer than children.

In healthy relationships, polite feedback is fine.

It's a relationship quality issue, not class.

It’s how some people are brought up. DD has a friend who has to eat everything on her plate even if she dislikes it. We’re quite strict about children having a bit of everything (especially veg) but that could be eg one sprout, certainly not having to shovel down a whole serving. So when I gave the friend her dinner and said “eat what you want and leave the rest” (she’s quite small so wasn’t sure of portion sizes for her) she was very shocked! I do have to say it makes her easy to cater for as she eats everything 😂

Bonkers. I think it's a sign of a good relationship to be able to have a conversation about these things!

Although I've discussed how I like my tea with my in-laws a few times. My DH has also encouraged a better cuppa out of them too. They try really hard and even ask 'is this ok?' but after 20 years they've still not quite got it so I do just say 'oh yes, that's great, thanks!' 🤣

They are being daft, I know my eldest daughter doesn't like Bbq sauce so don't make things like pulled pork or Bbq based pizza when she is here. I know my next daughter hates gravy based things so if we are having something like mince, stovies il make her something else. It's fine to express your likes and dislikes in the way you suggested.

This exactly.

They were being rude, not you.

“ Hannah” was rude in the extreme to say you hadn’t been brought up well. It is one of those comments that you just don’t make. Sounds like she hasn’t been brought up well. Did she use those actual words?

I bet Sam and Hannah also put up with bad sex.

There’s a way of wording things and maybe your colleagues haven’t got the hang of it and like to avoid it!

The way I look at it, is that you’re comfortable with your relationship with your mam and you would have that conversation.

You will probably find that these people don’t like having difficult conversations for example illness and death etc and just avoid it all. It’s not a healthy way to be.

As long as you’re not being rude then I don’t see the problem!