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Original poster

Based on this comment - have I been badly brought up?

219 replies

Canwehaveahotsummer · 15/04/2025 07:38

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
.

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 15/04/2025 10:12

Gremlinsateit · 15/04/2025 07:46

I agree with @Youaremythtaken - it’s Hannah who has been badly brought up, to say something so rude to OP.

Agree! The absolute rudest thing you can do is correct someone else's manners!

If you were invited to a friends house and they had cooked lasagne I can see the argument that it would be more polite to just pretend you like it. But not your own mum, ffs, that's ridiculous!

BobbyBiscuits · 15/04/2025 10:12

Nobody who was brought up with decent manners would say what Hannah said about you, its incredibly rude! You could have responded with 'In my family we tell eachother our feelings and opinions. I thought that was fairly normal'. Then leave it at that.

As for the poached egg situation, I think you're connecting the two unrelated incidents unnecessarily. And I'm with you about runny poached eggs. I prefer them soft.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2025 10:13

I don't think you've been badly brought up, its ok to express preferences like saying you don't like lasagne.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/04/2025 10:17

OP, I’d certainly speak up (politely!) about any eggs with slimy, uncooked white. The mere sight of them makes me feel sick.

researchers3 · 15/04/2025 10:18

NeedSomeComfy · 15/04/2025 07:41

They are being ridiculous. Of course it's OK to express likes and dislikes to close family members.
Wouldn't your DH/DM prefer to know that you can be honest with him about what you like? It's not a matter of being polite or badly brought up, it's a matter of being confident enough to speak up for yourself.

Edited

Agreed. If it's your own parent/partner of course you can say these things!

Or maybe I'm badly brought up too!!

Missj25 · 15/04/2025 10:19

doodleschnoodle · 15/04/2025 07:43

I’d absolutely hope my children were assertive and confident enough in our relationship they would tell me if they didn’t like something! They certainly do currently as kids and as long as it’s done politely, ‘Thank you for making this but I dont enjoy it’ for example, I would never be annoyed or offended.

i think there are times when you just suck things up, but with family members and husbands etc. it’s absurd to repeatedly be in a situation where you don’t like something but force it down because you feel unable to say otherwise. I think fostering that type of atmosphere is far more likely to fall into the ’badly brought up’ category!

I bring home dinner & sometimes I get
”oh I’m not eating that “ 😂 😂
I certainly don’t get offended .
infact , Sat night , I made chicken , potatoes & broccoli & my 14 year old took the broccoli off of her plate & said “ I don’t eat broccoli “ , I said “ since when “ ! as we did only have it about 3 evenings before that, & she ate it all 😂

GinAndJuice99 · 15/04/2025 10:29

Your husband's reaction to the eggs thing sounds insane. Also just the description of the eggs he cooked is making me feel queasy

Comtesse · 15/04/2025 10:30

Flobby poached eggs are horrid - I couldn’t force one down!

it would not be rude to say to your parent “actually could you cook your fish pie / roast chicken / bangers and mash etc please? I’d love to eat that”.

messybutfun · 15/04/2025 10:33

My kids have absolutely no problem telling me if they don’t like something I cooked. They will also tell me what I should cook because they like it. Isn’t it normal to have this conversation with kids about what they like/not like? I couldn’t imagine going through life thinking my kids like something when they hate it.
That reminds me of that ad about dementia with the daughter always giving her father nut chocolate and him saying ‘don’t tell my daughter I always hated it, it makes her so happy’.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 15/04/2025 10:34

I think you pick your moments for telling someone you are not keen on a particular food. You don't wait until a dollop of it is about to be served on your plate. It's perfectly possible at an appropriate moment though to tell someone that they make a great lasagne and for some reason you just have come to not like the taste of lasagne any more. Not their lasagne but lasagne in general. Then make a request for - next time you visit - one of the other dishes they make that you really do like.

I think Sam's badmouthing her mother's lasagne secretly to friends and eating it up dutifully at the time is disrespectful and a betrayal. Either eat it up and say nothing or find a relaxed time to explain your preferences to Mum.

henlake7 · 15/04/2025 10:39

I just think it's abit sad for someone to have that kind of relationship where they can't even say they don't like a meal. Makes me wonder if they talk about anything of substance.
In my family it has always been brutal honesty.....with a side of piss taking!😁

Lemonyyy · 15/04/2025 10:43

I remember as a child going to people’s house and being fed food that did literally make me gag, but forcing it down “to be polite” it was miserable! It’s much easier just to say “oh sorry mum actually I’m not keen on lasagna” than to keep forcing it down.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 15/04/2025 10:47

It is not you, they were weirdly brought up. Forget about it.

Rollonsummer2025 · 15/04/2025 10:49

Your friends are weird.Why woulnow talk open and honestly with their mum?

iAlso would have very annoyed at being told off like a naughty child by my DH. 😡

Embarrassinglyuseless · 15/04/2025 10:57

I have by, literally every mad metric, been well brought up. Present loving parents, mother at home with us until secondary school, good manners drilled into me, been stood over while I write my thank you notes, piano lessons, language tutors, ponies, family meal times at the table with proper silverware. Etc etc etc.

I wouldn’t dream of enduring endless meals I didn’t like without mentioning it. It’s not rude to politely express a preference at all. My mum knows I don’t like red meat + my husband isn’t keen on heavy pasta dishes. I know she isn’t wild about pastry. We are happy to cater to each others preferences.

I don’t think your friends are well brought up - I think they have weird / dysfunctional family communication.

Original poster
Canwehaveahotsummer · 15/04/2025 11:05

BunnyLake · 15/04/2025 09:55

Is it even real? It’s reads strangely to me. In what world would colleagues tell you, in this scenario, you were badly brought up?

Anyway, assuming it is real, no you weren’t badly brought up, your colleagues are weird and rude, as is your dh. You’re the only well brought up one amongst you.

Show quote history

Yes it is real. Why on earth would I make up something like that. It’s hardly an exciting/shocking tale.

This particular group of colleagues have always been very outspoken, socialised a lot outside of work and a lot of chatter in work.

She didn’t say “you’ve been badly brought up”, she said that I wouldn’t understand because I haven’t been brought up well like Sam has, you can’t just say things like that. This was because San was complaining about having to eat the lasagne and I said “why don’t you just tell her nicely that you don’t like lasagne”.

The thing with dh happened years ago. At the time we’d only been together maybe a year at the time but he got very offended.

i had another work colleague that actually ate something gone off and became unwell because he was too polite to say. He realised it was off but was too nervous to say.

So there is a bit of a theme.

OP posts:
ForestFox44 · 15/04/2025 11:18

Wtf of course you can tell your mum that without being rude. And no one wants a slimy egg either, absolutely nothing wrong with saying can I have it a little more done please. It's not rude at all

TwoShades1 · 15/04/2025 11:35

I think the situations you describe it’s perfectly fine to say something. I could definitely ask my mum to cook something else/say I preferred a different meal. If I was invited to a friends house for a meal I would politely eat it and thank them for cooking, even if I didn’t like it or thought it could be made better.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 15/04/2025 11:43

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

How extraordinarily rude.

These people aren't your friends, they look down on you and are extremely rude. They most certainly have no genuine courtesy.

Hastentoadd · 15/04/2025 12:04

Canwehaveahotsummer · 15/04/2025 07:38

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
.

Your colleagues are being bitchy

I was very well brought up and I would say it (nicely) to my mother if she continued to made me something that I didn’t like,

If I was a guest in someone’s house I wouldn’t say it but that’s completely different, I think your should mention this to HR so it’s on record

Your colleagues are also bullies, they saw a certain insecurity in you and are feeding on it, are there other instances where they have been nasty to you, they obviously think they are superior to you they don’t just think it, they have verbalised it

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/04/2025 12:05

For those saying you'd eat something at a dinner party even if you didn't like it...why? If I was served any form of cheese I wouldn't eat it because I really detest it. Wouldn't it be better to thank the host when accepting and let them know then that you don't eat certain things? A good friend/holistic would do this as a matter of course, I know I would and my family/friends would

user2848502016 · 15/04/2025 12:05

They sound like horrible snobs OP, anyone with a good relationship with their mum should be able to tell her they don’t like lasagna!

DrSeuss · 15/04/2025 12:12

I never told my late mother that some of her cooking was vile and frequently made me worry about a risk of food poisoning ( I’m not neurotic. Would you want to eat fish that had been out of the fridge all day, especially in July?). But it was that or face the most astounding toddler style tantrums from a grown woman who reacted with extreme behaviour to the slightest criticism.

if your colleague’s mother is like mine, it’s easier to just shudder it down. If her mother is actually capable of being reasonable, could she develop an allergy?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/04/2025 12:13

Theunamedcat · 15/04/2025 07:44

The fact that they don't feel they can tell a parent they don't like a certain food shows THEY are the ones badly raised

You should always be able to talk to the parent

I'm not sure it is always to do with someone being 'badly raised', @Theunamedcat. It might be to do with the relationship they have with their parent. My mum was always the scary parent, and believe you me, it took a lot of courage, even as an adult, to say something to her that she didn't want to hear.

As a child, I never contradicted my mother. Even as a teenager, I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I stood up to her (even slightly) about something - and it was never successful - she always told me I was wrong, and ignored what I said. She refused to stop smoking in the car, even though I told her it made me feel ill. She ignored me crying about being badly bullied at school, and made me feel like it was my fault, and my issue to solve - and failed to notice how depressed I was, as a teenager, due to the bullying.

Even as an adult, I didn't stand up to her or disagree with her - I didn't dare, and anyway, I knew it would do no good. There's a reason I'm glad we moved a long way away from her, and went fairly low contact.

TL:DR - some people don't have the sort of relationship with their parents where they feel able to tell their parents things they might not want to hear, or where the parent will listen to them.

ShaunaTheDitzySheep · 15/04/2025 12:14

Badly brought up? No way! Badly brought up would be "yuk! Lasagne again! You're a rubbish cook (Vomit noises)" but you were being polite in the way you worded your complaint.